Dedication and thoughts tonight…

Bittersweet day, celebrating and such sadness for my brother-in-law who is on the verge of passing. I don’t do well with mixed emotions.

Happy that I am proud to be an American again!

But sad at the thought that my sister will be alone and that she is ok during these last few moments of her husband’s life on this earth.

I am ok though but not doing much today or yesterday as I am holding my own vigil over here for them since I can’t be with her or talk to her right now. The end is coming quick yet it is delayed. Hospice is surprised he made it through the nights. God’s timing and nobody else’s. God is good. I shall praise him in death, birth, and all in between.

For a minute I thought I wanted to be a death doula. But I can’t I know now and that’s ok because I can pray at least. Hard to pray right now. I feel like every action, every key I stroke and every breath I take is for them and for our nation, to no longer be divided.

Shall I publish this post?

Sure why not!

I dedicate this post to my brother in law and my sister.

peace, love, joy and light to all,

pax

Victoria

Protective factors preventing suicide from my schizophrenia…

feeling very low today…but promised to post this in the am and it is 11:57 so have 3 minutes my time ha ha

My daughter and boys are my main protective factors. They need me and I need them. Especially my adult daughter who is doing really well right now, a serious boyfriend, a new job in her field, might be starting law school next year…I made a crystal life grid for her and I really think it is working. She is such a blessing to me and I just love and like her so much. Oh she can be annoying too but I much prefer when she is home even if I am tired of her. She brings life wherever she goes and she is gone today at her new job.

Tonight I am supposed to hang out with my husband. He is a protective factor. I think we are soulmates if one believes in them.

The thought of suicide is enticing today but because of these people and of course my mom and dad, sister and brother, pups and some family that I am close too and the fact they would be so sad if I took my own life. Wouldn’t, couldn’t wont be that selfish.

I am really fucked up today

but tomorrow will come and I will have to busy myself with something instead of just reflecting on how much I want to be with God and no longer suffer.

Having schizophrenia/schizoaffective disorder is to me the hardest thing in the world. The negativity, the stigma, the lack of support from others when if one has cancer everyone rallies around but with mental health it is so different.

I CANNOT FIX THIS PROBLEM

but may others who sympathize and empathize with the mentally disordered do the necessary work. and prayer please from me and all of you reading this now. can i get an amen?

heres to better days

pax

victoria

Love, love, love…

It is all I have right now but mixed feelings of love and confusion over a friendship that may be ending.

Is family all I really need? When friendships continue to not work out all I can do is look inwards and hope I have been a good friend.

It’s weird though when a friendship is ending possibly because I have beome so dependent on this friend and have been such a support to her through the griedf over her husbands recent death.

May God guide. I love her but am very hurt right now. I was angry but it has turned to pity. I feel like a shit show right now. May God give me love and understanding and patience in all that I do today.

I have not been very productive lately. Today that must change. Lots to do around the house and gardens…may I not fritter my day away but grief is hard. I don’t feel like doing a damn thing. But if I just sit I get very bored and disinterested in life. So off I go to make a list. Lists really help me to focus.

Can’t wait till this election is over. Very exhausting.

pax

Victoria

Morning musing cont…

Morning, as it does, has become evening and I am quite somber tonight reflecting upon the gift of life that God has bestowed upon us all. He can take this gift away or not, it is up to Him. When He wants us home, I shall not delay but jump in His arms and finally get to see Him face to face.

It has been a long day as I sit her in the peace of the night, dog breathing softly next to me asleep in her bed and the other one, my princess, is atop the bed in my meditation room where I sleep and spend much of my day reflecting upon life and listening to the usual, Jason Mraz in his beachlife festival in the Philippines 2019. How I pray for you Philippines!

Not a usual day but got something done and fed me and the family so that’s good. Much sadness mixed with this anticipatory grief at my brother in laws impending death. Pray with me for a miracle. I do want him to remain a while longer for my sister’s sake especially. He is magnanimous and I love him. He’s a good one for sure.

I no longer welcome death, no I send out to the universe vibes of longevity for all to be in God’s will. I used to want to die but I have many protective factors that reduce my chance at suicide among people with schizophrenia. Tomorrow I will write in the am about protective factors.

pax

victoria

Morning musings…

Life is hard again due to the impending death of my brother in law, but I must remember my coping skills and not overdo anything in excess.

I used to write a lot, no more

i used to read a lot, no more

i used to walk a lot, no more

What do I do? Lately not much other than tidy the house and try to make life fun for my loved ones. I try to bring joy whereever I go but it alludes me at times.

Been fighting negative thoughts using crystals. It’s magickal. I have a quartz crystal I use and through the power of God It really works.

I have noticed a pattern with my thoughts, behavior and overall how I am feeling. I get bad news and it takes me three days to be ok. The first day I am numb, the second I it comes in waves and the third I don’t do much but take it all in and pray and listen to my Jason Mraz music which helps almost always, 99% of the time. I am on my third day today. Acceptance is occurring but slowly. Can’t rush these things.

grief sucks!!!

Today is the day of the dead! I celebrate my grandma especially, and others. Without a car today so can’t run errands.

I can’t finish this post today. Need to relax and feels like I am just rambling.

Morning musing to be continued tomorrow or later today.

peace, love, light and joy to all of you!

pax

Victoria

Writers block…

I am at an impasse- to write or not to write is the question for tonight.

My sister’s husband is dying at home surrounded by loved ones and near my sister who is his best friend and soulmate. They think the same and if they don’t he will adjust. My sister can be very controlling but I love her and feel just so terrible for her at this time.

So the dilemma I face is if I should write her a letter or not. When I was psychotic I wrote prolifically and have since destroyed it all. I haven’t written much since… did write a book that took 8 years or more really not sure but no matter, I did complete something. I have such strong emotions still that I am afraid I will betray myself. Dear God please guide.

I am just so sad today. I got to see my bro in law and got to pray with and for him. Tears were not held back today…prayed for a miracle. He said it was a good prayer, “a good one” verbatim. I wish I could do more…

pax

Victoria

The veil is thin…

Death will come to us all; that much is true…

But as people with this disorder we must fight for better days so we don’t give in to the stats about suicide and having schizophrenia. We must work hard to take care of ourselves and never never give up…

Going to start a morning ritual of writing upon waking.

Today is a sad day for our family; a loved one is losing his battle with cancer. Troops are rallying around him. Blessed be God forever ❤️

Pax

Victoria