Let’s talk about suicide…

Many of us have been there, some of us are there now, contemplating a life ending the suffering that seems so unbearable at times…

Protective factors help, these are your reasons to live such as children or pets. Mine are strong but they do not always help me when I am at my wit’s end thinking about taking my own life.

I have a disorder (schizophrenia/schizoaffective disorder) and the odds are not in our favor concerning suicide rates. Do I let that statistic bring me down or fight?

I’m a fighting woman! I will not give up because life is a gift and we don’t know the day that gift will be taken away to move onto the spiritual world.

Depression can cause these thoughts too and situations which are temporary. I am currently depressed but being proactive about my mental health because I cannot let myself go again and go down that deep spiral of a staircase into the land of the dark and ugly, which would be to actually to take my own life.

I woke up today and went to bed last night thinking about all the wonderful things that have happened to me this week. There were a lot of highlights and I am now in the habit of making some more.

It is hard right now because we can’t do things we normally would have done. But somehow we can find a way to improve our situation and want to live again.

I have written this blog since 2013 and was diagnosed in 2008. 14 years since receiving this gift that can also be a curse. I am planning on cleaning up this site over the next few days and really trying to get in some good content again.

My life has fallen apart with the death of my brother in law but he would not want me to be somber and teary eyed all the time but I f#$%#ing miss him.

Today is a new day and my mantra once again is I won’t give up! Even better I won’t give up and I will give life my all, starting last night when I deep cleaned the kitchen. There is always something to do but I don’t always feel like doing it.

Yesterday was different. I didn’t feel like doing anything albeit there was much to be done so I played hooky. I went to my best friend’s house and we hung out and drank some wine and sang, cried, laughed and had a grand time! I cam home and because I took a 5 hour break to have some fun I was able to come home and focus on my house and paperwork.

It was easy because I did the fun thing first. Kind of like eating dessert first before the entree. The entree will still be there as will the work and drudgery so might as well enjoy ahead because truly we don’t know if we will even get to the dessert right? So dig in, enjoy what makes you happy or at least not so sad.

Peace love light and joy to all of you.

I can be reached at victoriamariealonso@yahoo.com for any questions or comments. My email has been active again and I like that. I don’t have all the answers but I have just a bit of understanding and love to share.

Pax

Victoria

I am calm within the storm of my schizophrenia…

The world is wrong, I am right, I know everything and how it should be. I do not doubt anymore., no I am a libra, well-balanced and eager to please.

Yes, I am delusional today but that’s ok because maybe tomorrow will be different. I am under a tremendous amount of stresss right now causing these delusions.

Happy to report I am not driving. Yes I have had some wine. But the truth must be told. I am not ok most of the day. I a unhinged, unable to do the simple things required of me. But somehow I get them done. Not with ease though.

Too much to do today.

I speak to and for the dead. Does that freak anybody out? It’s a gift I believe in and others believe as well. I channel for my friend not my sister. Will be speaking to her dead husband later tonight about things. Thanksgiving will be fucking hard. That was their day to entertain. To give thanks to God almighty for all He has done. I give thanks too. But tonight i will live in my delusions and do the next thing whatever that may be.

pax

Victoria

Who I am…

I am a daughter, wife, mother, friend and hopefully a good person. I do not hurt others on purpose. Never have, never will. I am the type of person to put others needs ahead of mine.

This is just how I am. But no more these days. My needs have to be taken care of in order for me be able to give back.

Life is great but then it isn’t…

the is the life of one with this dastard disorder schizophrenia/schizoaffective disorder. One minute I am fine because all my needs are met but then the anxiety or messages come although as of late it has been quiet from heaven and I like that.

Tons of paperwork to get through before the holidays! Just saying I have to get my ass in gear and get er done.

Push, push, relax, this is my M.O. So much to do but going to chill now and just relax and take it all in.

Everything is up in the air these days. Not sure on Thanksgiving this year, cars are all broken except the truck. I am stuck at home with my husband who is off the next week. Which is great but hard too with him observing my habits lol.

Anyway praying for all of you

pax

Victoria

The facade continues…

I put on a brave face, do what needs to get done minimally but I am suffering so much right now with the loss of my brother in law. I am not numb, no I feel the sadness and wish I could be joyful and fun for my sister but alas I am not that kind of person. I have a glass of wine with my meals but other than that don’t really party much.

Grief is tough. one moment I am fine and the next i am in the pits of despair. Losing a loved one right before the holidays is extra hard. I think of all the people who died of covid this year. May their souls rest in peace and their families be comforted. There are many…

I have lost two significant people this year and it sucks. I miss them both like crazy and wish they were still here. But they are gone so must make the most of my time without them.

Here is to better days of laughing again, maybe tomorrow…

pax

Victoria

I think I will never doubt again but…

life happens

people die, people suffer, people celebrate, life keeps going even after a very sad event such as my brother in law passing last week…

i am fighting depression, not exercising at all but have been getting fresh air and sunlight. Too low to put in any effort but making dinner tonight.

I get to take care of my sons new puppy four days a week so that gets me out. In lockdown mode once again because of covid.

I am stuck on a few levels currently. time will tell.

praying for all of you and me and my sister who is doing so well…

pax

Victoria

Am I the only life I can save?

Or am I responsible not out of duty but rather a pure love for others and firstly God almighty for all to be saved?

I believe in Jesus and many do but not all. I do not believe that a benevolent kind God would ever cast anyone into hell.

I do pray for the whole world though just in case starting with my loved ones and all.

I do believe in an after life. am i the only one. this comforts me in times like these.

and then their is the communication with the deceased spirits of my dearest friend and my brother in law…another post for later…

amen

pax

Victoria

The world as I see it…

It, the world needs a lot of help. We can choose to give or take or just stay the same it is up to us. Today I gave in big and little ways. Most people are kind i have found and am happy that my family is so close and giving…

but this is not always the case. jealousy and strife run amidst many families but mine is not one. we are all rallying around my sister who lost her husband one week ago . my heart goes out to her and i think I may be doing worse than her because of my health disorder.

My daughter has been very sick these last 3 days showing improvement today. I take care of her when she is sick but have the night off because she is with her promising boyfriend. He will make sure she takes it easy so I am not worried but it has been some week for sure.

I don’t do well with change but losing my brother in law is so huge for our family. He was here one day and then gone. Life is short so be sure to tell everyone you love them often. Make it weird.

I am glad to be alive today even in these times of stress and much uncertainty. I love music and my vices help me. Back at it sad to report. oh well at least I know that abstinence is possible. but today is not the day to give up things that bring me much comfort.

Life….

God is good…

pax

Victoria

Feels as the world is awakening one by one…

Time passes slowly these days but I am not alone, no I have two deceased people who visit me from the dead in spirit. I love them and they love me and care and protect all my loved ones. I am sad tonight, melancholy if you may, being polite tonight, can’t be angry anymore, as it doesn’t suit me so I am told by Larry and Jim, my deceased loved ones.

One simply cannot argue with God and win. He gives and He takes away. And He took away last Saturday night, such a man as Jim. He is greatly missed especially by my sister as it was her husband. God bless her tonight and every night to come as the holidays are particularly hard for our loved ones who have lost someone…

I get to visit my dad this next week and it has been 8 or 9 months! I am so flipping excited! We get to hold hands through a glass with gloves on. And how I will hold him so tight. I haven’t dreamed of this in a million years!

God is good to allow me to still have my parents. and if they are gone tomorrow I will suffer a while but life will go on and i have much prepared for the time of their demise. I have my husband and children and best friend during all of this.

But i have felt the craving for death to be quite honest.

But I am not actively suicidal so happy about that.

Joy for time with my children today. Joy for celebrations of being a mom for 29 years tomorrow! Happy birthday Matthew Christian! and Gary….

pax

Victoria

In a quandary…

I’m stuck right now…

things were moved into my meditation room and it is really upsetting me, the dogs don’t know where to lay down. One finally chose the bed ha ha

In extreme grief over my brother in law. It’s not the same as a friend passing. No it is much more for me and especially my sister…this man carried the family especially since my father had his stroke and the baton had been passed down to Jimmy my brother in law who happens to be messing with me from heaven. Oh Jim! How I miss you so much already. But let me be about my business.

I unashamedly communicate with the dead. I know i know I need to see my psychiatrist sooner rather than later. I did call today to get an earlier appointment than 11/17. we shall see…

I’m not hearing voices but am very aware of Jim’s spirit filling the house with love and life and messages to all of us. Please help my daughter Jim. Or is this how it is supposed to be?

Chess games with my adult son, some talking, strategy developement discussion and the like. good yet sad times for our family right now…

My life is discombobulated if that be a word. checking, it is. a mess, so much to do and thrown off the usual path today.

My eldest son’s birthday is Saturday. Must pull it together to help make it special.

Blessings peace to all of you

pax

victoria

R.I.P. JAMES 11-7-2020

Jimmy was a magnanimous man, big guy, full of love and heart, who loved my sister with all that he was…

He was always full of antics whether it was falling in the pool from the upper rock and everyone yelling SHAMOO, egging him on, and he would mostly happily oblige and get everybody and everything all wet. and then do it again. God I loved that antic.

There were more too. Always making funny sounds with my sister’s and his funny language. They were something else how much they would dote on each other. I don’t ever remember which one of them who would dote on the other more. They took care of each other, watched out for each other. They were soulmates.

How my sister will go on without him I am not sure but she is one tough bitch if needed so hopefully she will let us all know. I hope we get closer but don’t like the way that this might come about. I didn’t want him to die. No I offered my life for his but too late me thinks. I offered more too, we shall see if God accepts my offering.

It’s funny though as I sat in vigil the past two or 3 days at my house with candles lit and incense, just praying, while my sister sat at her house next to Jimmy. Either last night or this morning I felt the knowledge that “it is over, it is over”. I checked facebook this morning and there was a post there from his daughter , a tribute to her dad. And that was how I found out but I already knew. My sis in law called shortly after and in shock all day.

Took a trip around town with my dear daughter. Brought the pup and it was good. We laughed and cried and got starbucks with a puppercinno for my dog Butter. and i sang for her a sarah bareilles song…bittersweet moments with my favorite people on earth. Told my sons. hugged one of them for five minutes…

Hoping that by getting some of these thoughts out on here I will process my grief faster. It takes me three days to get over bad news. My husband said don’t grieve too much. I said how much is too much? he said he didn’t know. so I am fighting between the tears and lack of movement. And it is a cold day plus our heater broke! ordered one on amazon but it hasn’t arrived yet.

I have found my mission I believe, we shall see how the planets align. I want to spread a message of hope for all those with schizophrenia to fight the statistic that stands against us. I don’t want to die by suicide but still at times suicide does cross my mind. I don’t want to ever put my kids through this or my husband or family so I am going to take the next month to really research ways to fight this statistic. Does anybody know how high it is for people with schizophrenia?

let the research begin…

peace, love and light and joy to all

pax

Victoria