Wishing for a different life tonight…

I am very blessed but have been really stressed lately with internal struggles. I got sick (not covid) and it knocked me on my ass. Been struggling to get motivation back to get back in the good groove I was in and have a plan which is the way I start.

Usually I would give in to this feeling of wanting a different life and run away. But there is no where for me to run to because I would just be there anyway and much of my struggles are within still.

I fight with myself constantly at times, to embrace my character defects, my insecurities, my feeling of not being ok. It is tiring tonight. But had an amazing date with my husband at a restaurant on the beach and even though smoke and fog conditions prevented us from seeing the ocean, my husband could hear it and I know it’s there, just like I rarely forget that God is with me all the time too. It was delicious food and good conversation with my hubbie.

Still feeling screwed up currently partly due to my relapse on alcohol the other day. I think it messed with my meds so must really steer clear from alcohol which for me is pure evil. Others can imbibe and have fun but it isn’t fun for me. This is progress recognizing it, and I am not saying I will never drink again. But just one and very rare.

Feeling screwed up because mentally I am just not content. My schizophrenia/scizoaffective disorder is always there waiting for a misstep and something like getting sick, and the ramifications of the current state of our country is overwhelming at times. I like to joke about it but seriously it isn’t funny at all. It’s scary. Talking about Marshall law in November!

How can 2020 get any worse I ask myself and then it does. Is this the end times? I am prepared if so but worry about others in a sad state of evil.

Sorry for depressing post but it is where I am at. I promised when I started this blog in 2013 that I would share the good and the bad. So I withdraw my apology.

I quite frankly think it is pretty amazing that I can go to dinner with my husband and be like all normal when deep down not very far I feel so out of balance. I Feng shui’d my room today. Desperate for some change. The days all blur together and I feel like I am living in the movie Groundhog Day.

Tomorrow I am starting fresh with my diet, exercise plan and anything else I can manage. Must fight for sanity amidst the chaos.

God bless

pax

Victoria

Learned mirth…continued

So sad story, both my parents are in care facilities different ones and it’s really hard not seeing them anymore. Done crying 😢

I thought up an idea to make a clue board for my mom who is pretty with it which is great 👍 I’m putting little clues that I hope she can get but anyway it will be good for her to stretch her brain 🧠 and she’s looking forward to it!

She even gets a prize!

One of the clues is a penny with a date on it significant to her life. I get to dig through hundreds of pennies to find the year of her wedding and my dads birth year etc…

Fun mirthful activity!

Did a scavenger hunt last week at the house for my adult children. Hey gotta at least try to make life fun during this pandemic!

Thinking about funny things is hard when you’re trying. I say the wittiest things when I’m not trying! So I’m gonna stop trying.

Pax

Victoria

Learned mirth…

I have not always been a person full of mirth, but have read that it helps with mental state and go me always trying to improve my mental state.

Having a mental disorder can be challenging and the last few days I have been really trying hard to keep it together. But ever since covid hit, I have done so well despite the constant changes in all our lives and the many difficulties brought about by many factors many we are well aware of. Some of my own internal struggles have been surfacing.

I don’t have a therapist right now, but do have people to talk to. Tried a few but having a master’s in psychology makes me very picky and being an empath makes it hard too to find someone who can help me.

What does this have to do with mirthfulness? Well, I have decided to make it a part of my day to find the lightness in everything, through making jokes or just doing creative fun things that bring others joy.

Right now I was messing with my husband and it was great. Just one example of making a hard situation easier by making light of it. It really does help. I watch Jimmy Fallon often and love his jokes and demeanor while telling them. I listen to concerts when the singer talks about positivity about their music and life and my unconcious is having fun processing these listenings and making them a part of who I am.

Don’t take life so seriously I have heard many times in my life and finally I’m not, by choice.

I am sick of my duties lately though, oh I wish I could joke about that. My husband gets to go camping and I don’t go anywhere far or for a few days so we have plans to fix the pop up trailer and go camping before winter. This makes me happy but I want to go somewhere now. Still impatient, yep that’s me.

Must share this as it cracks me up to think about it but the other night I totally scared my adult daughter. She was mad at first and it wasn’t entirely intentional but gave us a good laugh.

What makes you laugh?

pax

Victoria

Events can be powerful…

My time in NY was filled with various emotions. And today being 9/11 it is fitting that I have been writing about my time of homelessness in NYC. I often do that, write about something that I don’t connect until later. Such a sad day.

My time in NYC taught me a lot; not to take for granted that God has my back, not putting myself in dangerous positions anymore and to forgive myself for the things I did when I was pretty much insane.

My mom thinks that I had schizophrenia all my life or at least since 8th grade but I am not so sure about that really. I rebelled and ran away first to AZ and then to NYC. I was an atheist and did not want to live one more minute with my controlling parents. I was ready to see the world.

In fact I did, I visited Rhode Island and Philadelphia, New Jersey and much of New York. It was fun seeing these new places but I have no desire to return, even though I do in my dreams.

I was hoping for a release of something by writing about it and it did help.

I must fight negative thoughts about the time in my life when I didn’t give a flying fuck about anything. I must forgive and try to forget to make room for positive experiences even though not traveling at all right now.

It may have been prodomal symptoms at age 13-20 but who can say for sure. Once I started having children, I gave up my crazy life for the most part and really settled down. But then after getting really religious, I was given the gift of schizophrenia at age 36, so that is a long time in between to wait for the schizophrenia to arrive I think at least.

When did your symptoms begin? OR is it hard to narrow down like mine. Hoping for some feedback.

Feel free to email me at: victoriamariealonso@yahoo.com with any comments on this or any topic,

As usual

pax

Victoria

Homelessness on streets of NYC part two…

So where was I?

Oh yeah, the tragedy…

But first there is a caveat~

I make friends easily and when I do I try very hard to keep all my arrangements. I was taught this and find value in it and this tragedy came about because I didn’t keep it.

So, I was supposed to meet my friend Carrie a fourteen year old run away from New Jersey but didn’t. I was confused about something but I was supposed to do her hair or something and it didn’t happen.

The very next day I was coming to the squat and it was on fire, arson by a neighbor gang. The whole place burned down and Carrie was in there. They carried her out in a body bag.

I was stunned. Reality hit me hard. I felt so bad for not meeting her the day before thinking that somehow if I had kept my plans with her things might have turned out differently.

I flew home soon after. My parents bought me a refundable ticket which I could have cashed in on but didn’t know till later. I came home with frostbite on my toes, a hole in my nose and my tail between my legs to my parent’s house. I went to rehab and got clean and met my husband and settled down.

My question to the universe, how can I fix this?? I still feel bad about my friend…. I try to keep all my arrangements and do so consistently but some days I’m not fit for going out but it is rare now thank God.

So that is my time of homelessness on the streets of New York City, lower east side Manhattan. I did have fun though but ended on a sour note so don’t talk a lot about this time in my life much.

It has been on my mind a lot though for various reasons so hoping by blogging about of it releasing some of the negative experiences associated with this time in my life.

Here’s to keeping appointments and to better days.

pax

victoria

My homelessness on the streets of New York story…

I don’t know when my prodromal symptoms started but I was a crazy teenager to say the least. I was a punk rocker on drugs and at the age of 18 I decided to fly to New York and try my hand at theater…

I was born and raised in California and knew nobody there but my high school drama teacher convinced me I was a natural for stage theater, so ran with that. I went on one audition and forgot my singing lines because I was stoned ha ha! Didn’t get the part.

I had 800 dollars from a car accident so went with that and hope to get “discovered”. But the thralls of the punk rock scene, drugs, sex and anything outrageous appealed to me so off I went with a one way ticket to La Guardia airport.

This is not fiction. I arrived at night and ended up staying at the apartment of the cab driver who was very nice but wanted more for him allowing me to spend the night so I was out of there. I did not believe in God but looking back I see how much God protected me during this very insane time of my life.

I found a cheap hotel, Hotel 17, in lower side east Manhattan. And from there I set up camp. I panhandled for money and did what I had to do to survive but ended up on the streets in a squat (an abandoned condemned apartment building) with fellow punk rockers. We were a tribe and did everything together, well mostly.

We had fun getting high and living off the kindness of others, whether it was to take a shower or to receive a meal. We panhandled for drugs or a slice of pizza and I used a Swedish accent to feign the need for help which was real. I looked for a few jobs and would rotate between the cheesey hotel and the squat.

But then tragedy struck…

part two tomorrow

pax

Victoria

Releasing negativity slowly…

So many mistakes or missteps I like to call them…

I would never intend to hurt anyone; but yet this part of my body, my mouth, says things sometimes that just are not helpful. I am not perfect, and trying not to be anymore. Letting things go is what I need to do.

But my OCD along with my schizophrenia/schizoaffective disorder prevents this at times. But I am learning as I go.

The problem is that I joke around a lot and sometimes the truth in the joke is just not a good vibe…

But I believe in the power of the mind even though mine may have a disorder. I choose to release these thoughts when they arise and just repeat the mantra, I am good, I am holy, i am humbled. And then think about something good and positive

I surround myself with positive energy. My son is a huge positive force in this house and is spreading his positivity getting paid to play video games on twitch. I observe at times with his permission and i am just so pleased with how he interacts with others and always tries his hardest to answer all the comments. He is an inspiration to me and the many who pay to watch him play.

I don’t need money yet today find myself in murky waters due to switching banks. new bank has a hold on all checks. Today is a holiday, so no one I can call. Life can still be challenging for sure but doing much better these days than ever.

So much helps me!

I am finally free from religion and loving my new blog http://www.allformycreator.com peace love and joy. It charts my spiritual progress or interests as I navigate through new ideas mainly alchemy, the physical, spiritual and mental aspects of life. Felt like this blog needs to focus more on the disorder where my other one is all about God and connecting with Him though nature, animals, people and the mundane.

Check it out if you are so inclined.

Back to topic.

RELEASING NEGATIVITY AS YOU READ THIS

there is so much negativity in having a mental health or brain health disorder. so much misinformation and stigma. it sucks really but must rise above. The fact that I can’t work a real job does not mean that others cannot. I work hard around my house and gardens and manage some personal real estate.

Its mainly fun for the most part but days like today that are hot leave me feeling drained and bored. Nothing is fun! But life is not supposed to be about being fun all the time. That would be boring really. Imagine living at Disneyland 24/7 that would get old and would lose its magic.

So I am taking this time today to do some reflection on my routine. With covid so much has changed, so must roll with the changes. I’m a work in progress and it just keeps getting better. As long as I can stay out of the hospital and function well I will be content.

As to the negativity I fight, well that was learned from my mom. I must unlearn it and fight this pattern that has held and served its purpose for long enough.

Positive thoughts, vibes, prayers and peace to you all!

Pax

Victoria