can’t fight with God and win…

I want nonmaterial things. And God doesn’t give them to me.

I want grandchildren now. Still waiting…

I want to work, not in the cards for me and I already am working just not getting a paycheck… I give up on this one God at last. My disorder is not conducive to working outside my home except for volunteer work.

I want Inner Peace. I have it at times but it comes and goes like the wind. Hate noise, except for music, disturbs my soul.

I want to not worry about things like money, but right now am taken care of so should not worry about tomorrow right?

I want to lose weight. Have lost 35 pounds in a year. Pretty good me thinks. Got 30 to go and doing it. Love love love working out with my daughter in our homemade gym out of an old shed.

I want crystals. All kinds big and small. I guess that’s material though but hey gotta learn more about the different ones and I have a birthday coming up. My family would think I was weird if I didn’t ask for something other than inner peace. that was a joke.

i’m tired so ending this rant.

I love you God. Thank you ahead for all you have already given me and for all that is to come. I pray for good times for me and for all my readers and their families.

pax

Victoria

Dream big they say but impossible for me due to my disorder…

I am not cured by any means but have been thinking a lot about the fact that I am doing really well right now but my condition is fragile and I had to set some boundaries this week, which was really hard to do.

Dreams for the future are bleak at times. I met with a financial advisor yesterday and am thinking about my life in the next twenty years. I cannot think I will be content doing what I am doing now. I feel the need to work and make my own money again but have no idea what I would like to do.

I don’t need to work but find it enjoyable just saying “I have to go to work”. The perfect job for me would be being a teacher again so going to look into online courses I can teach. I really enjoyed my last job teaching sociology at the community college level. I did a great job until stress took me out.

I know I will be fighting with God as the delusion remains that I shouldn’t even be thinking about working. My husband makes bank but having something to call my own is really calling to me right now.

I am on permanent disability since 2015 but did work in 2018. I can still work and earn my disability. I beg with God to allow this. I have the energy and putting my attention on students again feels right. Going to do some research and check into it.

I mean there has to be a great need for teachers right now right? I’m thinking sociology again as I love that subject matter. I earned my bachelors in sociology in 2010 and my Master’s in psychology in 2012 post diagnosis schizophrenia/schizoaffective disorder and being a student is easy to me but working is a different story.

I have been doing this thing lately though where I write out what I want and then it comes true. I have written down furniture, and stuff for my garden so I am writing now that I want a job.

I am following the recent meme that I saw on my empath group that said to make an imprint on the universe rather than letting it make an imprint on you. So instead of just waiting around for things to happen to me and you, making a conscious choice for things to be different.

I like that!

Finding my balance in life ain’t easy but now that I have so much more focus thanks to supplements I now take, feeling brave and fearless for the moment ha ha. That’s me, never a dull moment.

pax

Victoria

Spreading the message of positivity…

Hope for this city, state, country and world.

In a world full of negativity how does one stay so positive? It’s not easy at times, and having a diagnosis of Schizophrenia/Schizoaffective Disorder and being on permanent disability leaves me with a whole lot of free time to do whatever the I please.

I find my days interesting to say the least; mental health is good for this season of pandemic and political discussions, trying to find the good in all despite the many people who aren’t. It’s that simple for me.

I hate drama. My husband and daughter thrive on other peoples and I avoid it at all costs because I am an empath.

I do not know when I first had prodromal symptoms of Schizophrenia. Looking back I made a lot of decisions that were questionable.

But I have always been headstrong and demanding of myself to be in the best shape, physically, mentally and spiritually. I try not to preach with words but it is hard on here, so I must say that since starting out with strength training for a month, four days a week, I am very happy with the mental results and feel my body getting stronger every day, even on rest days like today.

I have learned to make the most of what I have, even if it isn’t much. And I see potential in every life upon the earth.

Am I strange to have such hope? I believe I am. I am not naive. I see the corruption. But I will vote and do my part.

Positivity surrounds me all day, music, people, dogs and cats, plants and all of nature that of which God created for us to enjoy not to abuse. So every time I water or take care of my pups, I feel blessed to be able to take care of them.

I want to have it all and won’t settle for less.

I am not my diagnosis. I am much much more. I can think clearly now that I am no longer psychotic and life is good because I choose to say that.

I make my imprint on this universe rather than allow it to make an imprint on me. I put out there all that I wish to come to pass. And today I decided I wanted to spread a message of hope. I hope I have succeeded. Hard days still come, but it is rare now rather than the rule.

hope this blog finds you all well

Peace, love and joy to all!

pax

Victoria

Overcoming social anxiety…

Ever since the pandemic hit I have barely gone out for fear of my daughter who is immune compromised. I have used all the service platforms and curbside whenever possible. I still do curbside but have now started going to the store.

At first when I tried I had severe anxiety attacks and a really bad day. Then I learned to go to the store at off times and it is actually feeling good to be out and everyone almost is wearing a mask and social distancing.

Today I did a lot of errands in the morning, got a burrito which I ate quickly and then fell asleep. I missed my therapy appointment because my phone was charging and I didn’t plan to nap so long. But it’s been super hot here too in Santa Maria, Ca and feeling lethargic during the hottest times of the days. Our weather is usually 70’s so we are melting at 89 degrees.

So I finally woke up and actually was relieved I didn’t have to talk about my anticipatory grief with my dear dad. I think I will go to once a month from here on out. It brings me down more than lifts me up but it is helpful to process occasionally what I am going through. I know he will die but he just keeps going which I love but it’s hard and takes a toll.

He is my lifeline right now in many ways…that’s all I will say about that.

I did try a new therapist who was Gestalt. I don’t recommend this type of therapy for people with schizophrenia. I heavily disliked it and canceled my following appointment.

I’m pretty good most days. Still getting fit and losing this dastard weight I gained on Risperdal. Down 35 pounds since Sept 2019.

Hope and pray you are all well.

Drop me a line anytime at: victoriamariealonso@yahoo.com

pax

Victoria

Hope for mankind…

Been so focused lately on strength training that I have been thinking about how as my muscles tear and repair, so does the world.

Jesus is still my all!

Without Jesus, I have no hope in eternal life,

without Jesus I have no reason to get up in the morning,

just saying.

Today was a bit of a rest day.

My body needs to heal and parts of it are aching tonight. Only workout 4 days a week for thirty minutes at a time. But I am fifty so I guess I have a long way to go before they get easier.

of course I am impatient and pushed myself this week and paid the price with two days of just rest.

I love the days I get to workout though because I get that runners high from simple exercises guided by my fit daughter. Bought some resistance bands on amazon for ten bucks and was money well spent. Also picked up a couple of kettle bells and was pricey but the view where I picked them up was fantastic and I love the kettle bell swing…

My excitement lately; although still gardening, meditating, and reading my favorite Thoreau and autobiography of Gandhi books.

pax

victoria

Been taking extra of the goterpy for muscle fatigue so in a great headspace lately. I take so many supplements now but I test them out and don’t take them one day or for a few days and really notice a huge difference.

Deep talks…

It is not every day that one finds someone they can talk to about all their weirdness…

I have found someone, actually my closest friend who lost her husband a few months ago, not to covid. I go to her house two times a week now and help her out with her house which is my sanctuary now.

I guess there should be a caveat to this blog.

Along my path of recovery from schizophrenia, I have had several friends who I thought were supposed to be in my life, but then God quickly sometimes slowly removed them. This is really hard because I miss them. I’m not sure why God does this but a while ago after my friend’s husband passed, my car broke down right after I turned on her street. I took this as a sign that I was supposed to spend the evening there. Now that I am going twice a week and God allows it, it is to great benefit that I get to go. I am afraid that spending too much time with her may cause God to end our friendship as has happened many times already.

So her home is up on a hill in a countryside. It is away from everything and when I get to go there I am always so moved by being able to help her out and our time spent on the sofa talking about deep things is priceless…

We learn so much from both of each other and there are often tears and laughs as we process life’s events.

Yesterday I really opened up to her about my last 20 years. A prophet had warned me that I was in for a hard time to put it mildly.

20 years ago, I became Catholic, lost many friends because of this, prayed to be able to suffer for God, was given the gift of Schizophrenia, became spiritual friends with a priest, left the Catholic faith recently, and now am on my own sort of spiritual journey or quest. Mix in there raising 3 kids, marital hardship and bliss and so much more as we all have a lot.

I was so mentally exhausted after sharing with her the progression of events from 2000 that my face hurt from talking so much. I have not opened up to anyone like this in a very long time. I love deep conversations though so this was great but exhausting.

I hate chitchat. Boring, superficial, a complete waste of time. Let me waste my own time on my phone. Even fiction bores me. But give me a book on Gandhi and I’m good.

I’m all over but this is my blog so there is no judgement hopefully. I don’t have a boss except for God and He continues to guide me. I have even started another blog about my spiritual journey with mainly alchemist. I will post the website soon but want to clean it up. But feel free to email me if you’re interested.

Pax

Victoria

What do we even know?…

Musings for the day…

Religion, how can one be sure? No one really can. The one downfall I have been thinking a lot about is how religion often shames. At least that is how I took it…

Just saying I’ve got some recovering to do from my twenty plus years as a Catholic.

I have been enjoying my studies of alchemy, creating my own spirituality really if one had to define it. It speaks of unification of physical, mental and spiritual well-being. I like this. I feel I am becoming whole again.

I feel the weight of the world off my shoulders for a few moments anyways.

Today was a hard day in the sense that I was tired and just couldn’t settle down to my usual good routine. I need to accept, honor and embrace these times that come more infrequently now. It was also a rest day from my new workout routine that I will be on my third week on Monday. Muscles are tearing and repairing and once again I look to Shaklee for muscle recovery.

I am so darn impatient. I want to be fit now! And not let it hurt my mental outlook. The days I work out I am in a great head space with the endorphins of strength training. So working out for four days and then resting for three days, but taking light walks and gardening feels ok. But not great. Anyone else love that high from working out?

Just curious.

Life it weird. I am weird. Ask my family. I say random things at the oddest times and they are like what did you just say? So I amuse them with my story of what brought on that thought. I love it though cuz it keeps them and me guessing at the next moment that will surely come…

My dearest friend and daughter think I am funny. I like that! I have been able to see the humor in life lately so that’s cool. Just saying.

Well, off to eat a healthy dinner and see what else I can’t do today. I was just like sitting there and I said to myself, just do it. Just get up and make dinner… so I did. My body feels like it is still in the chair.

Stay strong all of you!

Peace and love to all,

pax

victoria

Navigating murky waters…

Good evening all! or good morning or afternoon!

We are 93 million miles from the sun! Wow! Just in case one didn’t know.

I tried to do something diet wise without checking with my pdoc. It wasn’t wise. I tried to do a fruit and veggie cleanse but by today the second day I found myself not doing well with my psych meds on just those. So I stopped…

I do not consider this a failure except that I should have checked with him. But there was all this encouragement so I did and it was fun for one day. Lesson learned. I am learning to love me even when I mess up.

My theme for August is patience which is a virtue I am getting better at but have a long way to go. I realized tonight that I need to practice it with myself first…

I have a mental health disorder that needs to be babied at times. That is the truth. I say weird things sometimes and am totally uncomfortable in many social settings but do better one on one. I am learning things about myself just when I thought I was done learning.

I am starting to study again. Right now current studies are alchemy, empath energy and anything fitness. The home gym is coming along nicely and have used it for a week and a day! When I have a gym membership I have great intentions when I sign up but never end up using it. Now I have a free gym in my backyard my kids put together in an old shed and I love being out there especially when it is sunny.

Also been gardening quite a bit which is huge progress thanks to my supplements. Got my son to start taking it as he suffers from lack of motivation and can’t see I notice a difference. I felt it right away I think. Poor memory still at times…meds side effects stink.

Lastly, wanted to touch on a topic Fractured Faith recently blogged about. Recovery from anything really and in my case is recovery from Schizophrenia/Schizoaffective disorder. To recover means to return to normal. This is impossible to me, please share in the comments if you feel differently. I love to hear others stories! I will never be the same as I was before I received the gift of Schizophrenia in 2006 at age 36. 50 now and doing the best minus today than ever.

Thank you for reading.

Be with God,

pax

Victoria