14 year anniversary of receiving gift of Schizophrenia…

It was 14 years ago that during Easter Vigil Mass 2006 I received fully the gift of Schizophrenia.

Why do I call it a gift though?  Delusional perhaps but I know it is my way to heaven.  The suffering, the mysteries, the unending  confusion between my thoughts and what is reality.  I am a great sinner and I believe my Schizophrenia to be my purgation.

I don’t embrace it every day as I ought but some days like today I do.  It is Easter Sunday and I have much peace in my heart amidst the suffering from Schizophrenia.

Made a good breakfast for all, cut my finger, burned my mouth, relaxing listening to Elvis gospel music.

My musings are relaxed today.

With much to be grateful for it is with a heavy heart that I learned today that one of my daughter’s friends’ dad has covid 19.  He is doing well though and is at home getting better.  But this is the first case I have of someone I know getting the virus.

I have a special place for my prayers for this war between us and this virus.  It is my zen garden and it represents all the people who need prayer.  I move a stone into the little space once I am moved to a prayer.  It is very full right now.  I know many who are at the front lines with essential businesses including my husband.

May Easter blessings be upon you all!

He is Risen!

Pax

Victoria

Good Friday commemoration

At 3 pm (the hour of Jesus’ death on the old rugged cross) today, I was on a walk with my adult daughter and son.

We acknowledged the day that it was and paused for a moment to pick something up.

This is all that matters to me.

Tonight we are all watching Chronicles of Narnia a fitting movie for such a sad day.  But peek preview, He will rise on Sunday.

Not feeling very disordered today happy to report.  The delusions have lessened and I am glad to have gotten in a decent walk with my children.

Pax

Victoria

Plan for the day, some new, some old…

Woke up this morning not having a clue what day it was.

Wow!  Time passes so weird, neither fast or slow but just this weird pace that I am not getting used to.

Yesterday was a very hard day for many reasons.  But I managed to exercise and felt better.  I was bored with myself, my music my sad existence.

But today I am inspired to look at things differently.  Today I looked up an old band (10000 maniacs) which spoke to me many years ago and still does today.  It reminds me of a dear friend named Terri who I used to hang out with and lost touch.  We used to listen to this band on our many adventures…

I will share my fondest memory.   It was me, my future hubbie and Terri and we went into a busy Jewish restaurant. in Hollywood.  Can’t remember the name but the best matzo ball soup!!!  We walked into the front and Terri just collapses on the floor as a joke.  Everyone was so worried and the mater de was freaking out.  My husband who is much more conservative than us was in shock.  It was hilarious!!!!  I love you Terri where ever you are today if you are still alive.

Anyway, one of the songs I enjoy is called “The Painted Desert”.  I love New Mexico and have driven through the painted desert on more than one occasion .  It just goes and goes and is so peaceful, un-moving and beautiful.

So I found an image of New Mexico Painted Desert and printed it and am making a desert collage.  I love the desert.  Last year me and my daughter went to Joshua Tree and had such a peaceful and wonderful time.  I could live there.  I love the desert heat and could just imagine myself in self quarantine there instead of here where it is cold and unimaginative.

But I would never leave my children to go be a hermit.  But if things continue as they are going it might be an option.

Wondering if this country and world will ever go back to normal.

Today I am also working out and have a phone meeting with my grief therapist.  So for now the collage must wait.  The fun part of making collages is that you can take things from your past, and from the internet.  All you need is a printer.  But you can also use old post cards.  And if you are an artist can draw your theme.

Since my theme is the desert it will surely have a Joshua Tree on it.  Not sure what else.  Must go get dressed and take my supplements…

Will share a pic of my collage when it is done.

God bless and be safe.

and as my husband advised last night, “Carpe Diem”.  Seize the day.

pax

Victoria

 

What is the delusion?

Ok, I am willing to share this deep secret that I have only told some random therapist about.

I believe I am the cause of the Coronavirus!

God gave me a sign a week before to stop vaping.  Very clear and one other person witnessed the message to me.  And then in a song God confirmed his will

The messages have been clear and timely to what I am thinking about.

So do I quit?  No!  I tried and went crazy.

So I am sorry world.

Part of me knows that the world does not revolve around me.  But this delusion persists and there is nothing I can do about it.

I feel so guilty.

God gave me the gift of Schizophrenia in 2006 and I had no idea then what i know now.  I am on medication but the main delusion at the time of 2006-2008 and off an on since is that I am the most special person to ever live.

Well this delusion that I am causing the virus as some sort of punishment for my disobedience is a lot to handle.  Wondering if I should share it with my psychiatrist in a couple of weeks.

I don’t let it affect my every day life though, just have my moments of regret and justification.

Delusions can be so deep and I haven’t seen any more signs as of late but the world isn’t getting better and here I sit vaping…

Today was hard, I was bored with myself, my music, my life but not my dog.  Dressed her in a red bandanna left over from the large pack I bought for masks.  But instead today drove an hour each way to pick up some nice ones a kind lady made that I met on FB. Was with my son so got in some new music.

But seriously people I need some ideas   I will search my own mind.  It has failed me before but now I am desperate to find a better way to spend my days while in self isolation with my hubbie, and two adult kids.

Did take a walk with my pup which helped.  Sun and wind in the same short walk.  Haven’t felt much like exercising as of late.  But know I must for my mental health.  Must, must , must.  It is not an option no it is a prescription for me from me.  Exercise to feel better even if I don’t feel like it!

Off to walk a little, wait, need to eat dinner first.  Miss a meal, not I!

pax

Victoria

Wow!!!! Will this ever end?

Every day it gets worse and today I am fighting for my mental health.

Not exercising really impacts me physically and mentally. Today I will force myself.

Checking back later today on my efforts.

Wishing you all peace ☮️ and love ❤️

Pax

Victoria

experiment failed…

so i did something stupid.  i stopped exercising for a few days and then ate a bunch of junk food. i feel like crap. only thing getting me through it is kroq 106.7 fm radio station.  they give me the news along with my favorite music…

mentally down but forcing myself to get busy today.  running out of things to clean or at least what I am willing to clean.  The overhead light in my kitchen has never been cleaned. pure grease. blogging is helping my mood.

Favorite song right now- Running up that Hill, made a deal with God by Kate Bush.  I must make a deal with God to end the corona virus. at least that is one of my delusions. Not really in the mood to share it today as promised.  Too raw,, too person, too global.

Time is as nothing

days on end

stuck in the new pattern of life

pax

Victoria

Hard day but fighting still…

It’s late…I’m relaxing with earbuds and kroq playing loud. A station I have loved for 30 plus years. Alternative music with spurts of weirdness and sometimes offensive… I just ignore those brief comments.

But anyway they are a great positive station that has a great vibe and uplifting messages throughout the music. Love chilling with them.

On to my day… it sucked. Covid stuff. Afraid of germs so much and that my husband who went back to work Tuesday might catch the virus and bring it home.

I read today that fear and hope cannot exist at the same time so choose one! I choose hope, hope that the world 🌎 will return to normal or at least a new normal one day..

Tomorrow will share my most recent delusion. It’s crazy so I hope you check back tomorrow but I’m tired 😓

Good night and God bless!

Pax

Victoria

Warning~Religious post with no apologies…

Jesus died for us, plain and simple, He rose from the dead in expiation of our sins and lives today at the right hand of the father, filled with love and mercy for us all.  All we have to do is ask Him in and He will graciously accept!

Even though we may be disordered or know a loved one with a disorder God loves us all the more.  he knows all our sufferings and difficulties and knows the deepest thoughts of our estranged at times minds.

I wish I could write in Spanish… just pondering these thoughts today on another day in physical distancing mode.

To keep busy I have been doing the mundane and even brushed my dogs and brushed their teeth!  Gave them extra treats because I am rationing their dog food until it is safe to go out and buy it.

May order some on line but I like to get a good kind and I’ll have to look that up but for now I am good with spoiling them with extra treats.

Back to Jesus.  If you are despairing right now or are unsure if you believe in God or heaven or anything say this simple prayer and watch the Holy Spirit work wonders in your life.

“Jesus, I ask you into my heart.  I love you and thank you for loving me.  Please send the Holy Spirit to guide me and all my loved ones and the whole world right now when the devil is happy we are apart. ”

Solidarity is unity through Jesus!!!

But the devil won’t be happy if we pray this prayer.  Say amen and really mean it and your life will change.  And if you already have done this, can I get an Amen and a prayer for all of those who really need a prayer right now even if they are not yet ready to accept Jesus into their life.

God bless

pax

Victoria