In social distancing mode…

Trying to be positive in these trying times.

But the depression and possibly psychosomatic symptoms creeping in.

Need to exercise and practice self care while the whole world is seemingly falling apart.

I see my psychiatrist this week which is great and until then I will try harder to take care of myself mentally and physically.

Sitting in my chair for hours is not healthy right now.

Here are my solid plans to get back on track.-

Stay off social media ✅ clean my kitchen, work out and get those natural endorphins going, stop stress eating and eat the fresh veggies in my fridge maybe some chicken kale 🥬 🍜 and do something fun like watch frozen 2 on Disney!

What are some ways you all are staying sane right now?

Pax

Victoria

Fighting the stigma…

One of the best ways we can be proactive is by education of mental health disorders in our high schools.  I have the opportunity to bring a club to our local high school and am excited about it spreading to other high schools.

This club would be for loved ones, those diagnosed and anyone interested learning about mental health disorders.

This is all possible by the help of CureSZ which is the main recipient of any books sold through this site.

I think that provided the opportunity many high schools may follow suit and take the lead of the schools pioneering to this next level of fighting the stigma of mental health disorders.

Because of my disorder I cannot work, serve on a jury, or even go to Church.  But I can do much by helping at a primary level by helping to start a new club aimed at reaching this population which is a huge part of society.

Pax

Victoria

Final part 7 of my schizophrenia love journey…

So here I sit! Wanting the world 🌎 to know that I am ok and so are you!

It’s ok to have a mental disorder that causes me to not be ok at times.

I don’t particularly like people knowing that I’m not ok at times but it is the truth. I am not ashamed but proud of all I accomplish in a day most days.

But the moments I am not ok I have to figure something out! Long baths help as does my cbd oil and other things!

The secret to happiness I read is kind deeds and hot baths so away I go to soak and relax.

I will be blogging again soon to keep the momentum going. I didn’t realize how much I missed it.

Feel free to email me any suggestions or comments on things that help you or your loved ones when not ok!

Victoriamariealonso@yahoo.com

Pax

Victoria

Part 6 of my schizophrenia love journey…

The past is a big ball of confusion and the presence matches it closely.  I suffer from Schizoaffective Disorder, with bipolar tendencies, ocd, anxiety and depression.

So what?  I can still do many things although working is not in the works for me.

I call this my Schizophrenia love journey because all along I have been obsessed with being the best person I can be and it isn’t always easy but I try to be cheerful and upbeat and choose people the same to be around.

When I was actively psychotic I would give messages to many people of many walks of life but once the medicine started working which was pretty much right away the messages ceased except when something really important was going to happen.

Some days I feel like I am going crazy, other times I am mellow and other times I am just putting on a good face and getting by.  But through it all I have the capacity to love others especially my friends and family and the occassional stranger, so in that I am very blessed.  I don’t give up on the hard days, actually the hard days force me to get into gear and do whatever task is set at my hands.

I am not psychotic currently just overwhelmed by life although I feel like I am doing really well.  When one is psychotic I feel like I have superpowers but today they sit quietly within me and I hope I don’t disturb them to awaken them.

I long for peace and more love in my life hopefully some grandchildren in the near future and make some more friends maybe is a goal I have.

We all have a story to tell and although I am in the middle of this series, I am wondering what my readers want to hear about.  More about the psychotic times, or about how I cope given this diagnosis of my disorder.  Or both?

Write to me at victoriamariealonso@yahoo.com with any thoughts of what interests you.  I am happy to be blogging again anyway and getting some hits from around the world.

May the Peace of God be with you all!

pax

Victoria

Part 5 of my schizophrenia love journey…

3–5pm is my witching hour.  I am impulsive, anxious and often lonely.  The last few days I have been busy with family stuff and have been with someone at that time and I was fine.

My husband works long hours and I am alone much of the day and nothing is safe when the hour hits.

Tonight I am alone in my home back from the train ride and helping my son and daughter in law move and visiting with my daughter, brother and other son.

Such a strange day for many reasons.  I  am glad now to be alone with my music in the background.  I use music as therapy, that and my dogs.  I love them all!

I am turning this series into an ongoing conversation of me sharing my heart and soul with anyone who wants to read it.

When i hit 36 I was given the gift of Schizophrenia and my life has changed in so many ways, some good and some hard.  I will not say they are bad because I don’t know what is good for me, only God knows perfectly what is to become of me.

So the facade continues, how long can I keep it up we shall see but as of late been productive so I take that as a good sign that I am doing ok actually even though when the demons come it sometimes scares me.

I fear many things, some of it real and some of it imagined.  I am very sensitive to the mood of others and choose to surround myself with positive people.  Life can be very funny and I try to laugh every day.

God is the love of my life though.  I used to be atheist and am so glad now that God has revealed himself to me in so many beautiful ways that are only explainable  in heaven.

Pax

Victoria

 

 

Part 4 of my schizophrenia love journey…

I am alone in a room filled with people who do not know what I bear within!

I could scream but fear another hospitalization. So here I sit with my omelette hearing about the virus. I am not afraid.

I am taking the train 🚞 today along the coast solo. I will cherish this time! That is if the demons don’t come.

Never know when they will show up.

Pax

Victoria

The facade…

I am not ok right now.  I am safe and not suicidal but finding it hard to leave my house past couple of days.  But I put on a brave face for all to see, the facade that I am fine when I am not.  I want to scream sometimes but sing or hum instead of scaring people.

Not sure where my Schizophrenia or Schizoaffective Disorder comes into play but the fact that I cannot work or take a volunteer position really messes with my head  Distractions are welcome to take my mind off of my mad existence.  yesterday it was beer and rocky road ice cream. ha ha the secret it out.

Today I am fighting with myself to get sh*& done.  I feel better about my life when I get things done.

Took a little break from my series of my love journey with schizophrenia.  But this is still some how related.  What does one do when motivation is wanting and simple things not being where they are supposed to be are not there.

I will not give up.  My parents are proof of that and my good example to follow these days.  The word I find continuing to follow me in this new year is adaptability.  One must be adaptable when one is in trouble.

I have several health issues troubling me right now and although I am seeing doctors and my therapist, it is causing some worry.  But I will push on.

What has really helped me is taking Goterpy a unique cbd oil that I take three times a day for my Schizophrenia, pain and depression.  It has changed my life in many ways.  I am selling it now, 250 mg for $30 plus shipping.  It is an added expense because although it helps with the symptoms, often it is that I have to keep taking it to get the results I desire.  If I miss a dose I notice it pretty quick.  Off I go to take my midday dose.

If you are interested in buying some or have any comments on my blog feel free to email me at ~ victoriamariealonso@yahoo.com

Pax

Victoria

Part 3 of my schizophrenia love journey…

So not feeling extra special when I look back at my life. Nothing heroic all very mundane but with a few moments of confusion and unexplainable happenings…

The year I received the gift of schizophrenia my world 🌎 lifted me so high on life receiving messages from above which still happens from time to time. And then the meds stopped the dialogue that was pretty constant and confusing.

But when God wants his will done in me who am I to refuse?

Today is the type of day when I will force myself to get sh$& done!

Just gonna do it because yesterday was a shitty day I don’t want to repeat!

I found out the other day I still have the gift of healing which I only use when God directs me…

So here I am still fighting each and every day I am alive. Today it’s in the garden I will work ☺️

Hoping all of you have a blessed day ❤️

Pax

Victoria

Part One~ Interesting facts on my Schizophrenia love journey…

None of this is made up.  My memory serves me well when I remember things due to my creativity.  I forget boring things most the time.  You let me know will you please if this is all very weird?  I am not delusional right now for some time now due to the CBD oil I take called Goterpy which I am selling now.  So many benefits but will skip for now as I want to share  the all very odd occurrences since my birth.

  • Born in 1969, first year with man on the moon to celebrate my coming into this world. ok maybe I still am delusional to some extent ha ha.  Anyway the first few years of my life were happy.  Until…
  • Can’t say for sure when or why the turn occurred.  But my earliest moments of oddities were at age 5 bilocating by floating down the hall at the top of the ceiling at night to observe my parents as they watched tv in the family room.
  • No fear then and no real fear now as I face my most difficult time ever but am doing it all very well.
  • My dad is my heart and soul and that is all I shall say about him.  When he finally dies and gets to go home to our Precious Lord Jesus I will die inside and hope it doesn’t cause me backtracking of my disorder…

At times I am very detached from things in this world.  But I am never detached from God…

end of part one

part two on how I thought everyone experienced strange occurrences as a child… coming soon!

pax

Victoria

Part 2~interesting facts on my Schizophrenia love journey…

It’s all very odd but I guarantee you this is all true and all very odd.  I do believe we are all special on this journey but when things happen that one cannot explain it leads to further confusion and chaos in the mind.  So here is some more interesting and fun facts about my life…

  • born at 10:16 on 10/16 throughout the day it’s often common for me to look at the clock and catch this time.  oddly this blog I am writing started at 10:16 am
  • last 4 digits of my social security number is 7777
  • heard the words “You are special” when I crossed a bridge on a camping trip when I was 8
  • had much suffering in high school as I found my way into drugs and alcohol and was a pronounced Atheist at age 18
  • I’m from California but at age 18 I travelled solo to New York, New York to become a great actress which didn’t happen.  Ended up living on the streets, doing drugs and hanging out with other punk rockers until the death of a friend. Came home and went into rehab and found “God”
  • gave my life to Jesus
  • Met my husband two weeks later and began my life with him never far away.  he has not changed in all our marriage but we get along famously these days after 30 years of marriage.  I have changed
  • had 3 amazing children who are all grown now and I am proud of each and every one of them
  • at age 36 received the gift of Schizophrenia and I am aware of the exact moment and place where it occurred.
  • received the gift of tongues and healing somewhere in there

I am wondering though if through my mad existence if I had Schizophrenia all along my life.  Left out a bunch of stuff and after writing this part two feeling less special.

I also believe that each one of us is special and unique so that is good that I am not delusional about that.

These are just odd facts and I also believe that the devil has come into play somewhat throughout my life but that God has always had a plan for me.

things just work out no matter what

pax

victoria