The tide feels like it is turning in my favor

After meeting with my therapist today I have more hope that I will do better in the future.  I have not been doing great, even not working, although this last week was pretty good minus getting hurt the other day.  I have blogged this and feel like I have lost a few followers sharing how I still have bad days when I feel very unwell.

I don’t mind losing followers if my blogs don’t resonate anymore.  When I was doing well I got lots of likes but now that I am struggling again not so…  I am just very honest how I am doing and will continue to blog even if no one reads my blogs or likes or comments on it.  I do this selfishly, it helps me to get it out.  And I like to think that my blogs do help others who are not doing so well too although they may be quiet on the comments.

This is a serious disorder.  I can’t even get life insurance easily because of it or it is very expensive my broker has told me recently.  This is nothing to joke about.  Having Schizoaffective Disorder means I can’t work outside the home, means stress is my worst enemy, means socially I feel like an outcast most of the time and so much more.

But I don’t give up the fight and today’s session meant more to me than a whole lot of talking with various people about nothing.  I believe my therapist gets me and my disorder which is great and was worth the wait recently to know if I will be able to see him or not.

Today was great because I came to terms with how God made me.  I am extremely sensitive and take criticism very negatively of any sort.  In the past I have seen this as a great defect but today my therapist helped me to realize something.  That it is because I am sensitive I am the glue that holds my family together.  I will try to remember how it was said.  Forgive me if I don’t share it perfectly but it went something like this…

Therapist: So you want to be less sensitive?

Me: Yes

Therapist: That would mean you would be have to be harder

Me: Then I don’t want to be less sensitive.  Inside I scream to myself that I don’t ever want to be harder like others who  don’t show compassion….

So I’m stuck and stuck I like today.  Because I am sensitive I help my folks a lot, I help my family, I help myself.  I happen to have a lot of time to myself and I really need it, to pray, to reflect, to veg out for a little while before I get busy with the business of helping my parents.

I also read part of a Buddhist book recently prior to my appointment that really made sense and goes along with what I learned from my therapist today.  All the craziness (or insert whatever you are that you don’t like about yourself) makes you who you are so don’t wish it away.

Instead I will embrace it.  And no longer feel bad when my sensitivity bothers me.  But it will take a while to get used to because I have hated it for so long.

I often laugh at myself.  Laugh or cry I say, I choose to laugh and not take anything too seriously even having this disorder.

Pax

Victoria

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