Won’t give up

I won’t give up [Jason Mraz]

This is my fight song [?]

Shake the disease [Depeche Mode]

Music helps me to cope and these three songs I listen to often because honestly having this disorder makes me want to give up at times.

Some days I am really good mentally but some days are still really hard mentally…  I can’t figure out what makes a good or bad day.  I exercise regularly and eat healthy most days, sleep enough, pray and use my coping skills.  But sometimes it just isn’t enough.  My mind is very unstable at times and I don’t know what to do next.

I am tired of starting new things to entertain myself and then quitting them when it gets too hard or I lose interest.  But yet I still love starting new things.  It gives me purpose and reason to keep going.  And keep going I go.  I wonder if my fractured mind will ever settle down and just be ok???

Lately I have been having some tough days and I just want to cry.  I did cry today.  No one will ever understand what it is like to be me so I will stop trying to explain it yet here I am blogging and trying to explain it.  Ah, the mind is a terrible thing to lose.  My dad suffers from dementia and when he remembers me and something simple like my dog’s names I just get so happy.

But what it is like to be me…so difficult to explain.  And soon I will go before the hearing and try to explain why I can’t work.  I am not nervous.  I will just be honest.  Work stresses me out, following instructions is difficult and even though I am at a loss some days what to do next, I know I am better off not working  I often enjoy my days when things are going well and when they aren’t I just veg out and surf the web or read a good book.

Today I went cruising with my husband in his 21 window vw bus.  It was fun.  We had an early dinner at a cheap Mexican place.  I was present for him enjoying just being in his company with his favorite hobby, Volkswagens.  I love him and he has stood by me through all of this for ten years now.  He notices when I am out of sorts and lets me do my thing so that is good that he is supportive like that.

My faith has been a comfort to me lately… I remember what it was like to not believe in God, such a sad existence.  But I believe in God now and pray to Him often for help to get through each day, to be the best daughter, wife, mother and friend that I can be.  He gives me strength often and for that I am grateful.

Pax

Victoria

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2 comments on “Won’t give up

  1. Rebecca says:

    I have not been officially diagnosed with schizophrenia. My daughter has just brought it to my attention. The psychiatrist at the hospital disagreed. I think I can just hide it from others temporarily. I’m pretty scared. Your blog helps me calm down and trust God. Thanks for sharing your downs as well as the good. You’re married. I’m wondering if I will ever get married nie that I’m suffering with mental illness. It’s tough. I’m not getting any treatment for schizophrenia… Just depression and so on. The meds are not erasing a thing except exposing the true culprit ( in my opinion), which is schizophrenia. I may start a blog page, too. Blessings to yiu

    • Rebecca,
      Hi, you may want to get a second opinion. I went to UCLA and the lead psychiatrist said there was no way I had schizophrenia, wrong age and other things; after three days a team of doctors gave me the diagnosis schizophrenia and later my still now psychiatrist fine tuned it to schizoaffective disorder which is basically schizophrenia plus depression. I’m very glad my blog helped to calm you down. I shall say a prayer for you especially to get the right diagnosis. Medicine is amazing! It’s been almost ten years for me and I always take my meds no matter how I feel. It keeps the craziness away and the sooner you get on the right meds the better you will feel and plus your brain will stop disintergating. Good luck and feel free to write anytime to me at victoriamariealonso@yahoo.com if you want to correspond more privately. Pax Victoria

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