Won’t give up

I won’t give up [Jason Mraz]

This is my fight song [?]

Shake the disease [Depeche Mode]

Music helps me to cope and these three songs I listen to often because honestly having this disorder makes me want to give up at times.

Some days I am really good mentally but some days are still really hard mentally…  I can’t figure out what makes a good or bad day.  I exercise regularly and eat healthy most days, sleep enough, pray and use my coping skills.  But sometimes it just isn’t enough.  My mind is very unstable at times and I don’t know what to do next.

I am tired of starting new things to entertain myself and then quitting them when it gets too hard or I lose interest.  But yet I still love starting new things.  It gives me purpose and reason to keep going.  And keep going I go.  I wonder if my fractured mind will ever settle down and just be ok???

Lately I have been having some tough days and I just want to cry.  I did cry today.  No one will ever understand what it is like to be me so I will stop trying to explain it yet here I am blogging and trying to explain it.  Ah, the mind is a terrible thing to lose.  My dad suffers from dementia and when he remembers me and something simple like my dog’s names I just get so happy.

But what it is like to be me…so difficult to explain.  And soon I will go before the hearing and try to explain why I can’t work.  I am not nervous.  I will just be honest.  Work stresses me out, following instructions is difficult and even though I am at a loss some days what to do next, I know I am better off not working  I often enjoy my days when things are going well and when they aren’t I just veg out and surf the web or read a good book.

Today I went cruising with my husband in his 21 window vw bus.  It was fun.  We had an early dinner at a cheap Mexican place.  I was present for him enjoying just being in his company with his favorite hobby, Volkswagens.  I love him and he has stood by me through all of this for ten years now.  He notices when I am out of sorts and lets me do my thing so that is good that he is supportive like that.

My faith has been a comfort to me lately… I remember what it was like to not believe in God, such a sad existence.  But I believe in God now and pray to Him often for help to get through each day, to be the best daughter, wife, mother and friend that I can be.  He gives me strength often and for that I am grateful.

Pax

Victoria

Today was a good and bad day of sorts…

The day started off all right, went to my women’s aa meeting, spoke with a dear friend, ate healthy, got my sleep, got some resources to help my depressed mother, visited her and she was doing poorly, visited my dad who had a stroke in July and is in a care facility, got some good coffee, visited my son at work, and then it hit…

A panic or sadness attack of some sort.  I remembered later that I didn’t take my attivan in the morning because I have been doing so well.  I felt like I shouldn’t drive.  It crept up on me when I visited my son at work I was thought I was picking him up and was going to ask him to drive home because I was beginning to feel unwell but he had to work late and had secured a ride so I decided to go for a walk on a local trail.  I was praying the rosary and saw a bench in the shade.  So I sat for a while and waited for whatever it was to pass.  I was texting my daughter about my visit with my dad and didn’t want to bother her with how I was feeling but did share with her later.

I don’t really know what it was or why I don’t let people know when I am not doing so well at the time I am not doing well???  This confuses me, my disorder confuses me, my moments that can last up to a couple of hours confuses me.

I don’t see my therapist until a week and a half and will surely share with him this day.  I do have lots of support.  I talked to my aa sponsor soon after I finally drove home which helped.  I made a nice dinner for my husband and hung out with him for the evening then just finished a relaxing hot bath.  I didn’t work out today and that’s ok on days like this.  I know when I feel this way that even a workout won’t help me feel better.

I guess the best way to describe it is as being mentally unwell.  I am under a lot of stress with caring for my parents so I need to be sure to take my meds every day.  My psychiatrist told me I only had to take the attivan as needed.  I guess I need it!  Ha ha.  If that was all that it was then that’s good news.  I am glad I didn’t drive when I felt that way.  I guess there is a lot to be grateful for!

Hoping for a better day tomorrow, I am going shopping with my mom so that will be good for both of us.

Pax

Victoria