Greater is the depth of sadness
Than any height of gladness
Thoreau wrote that and I feel it right now with my dad having 2 strokes since July 2,2016, being paralyzed on his left side, unable to speak much but still enjoys when I bring him coffee or ice cream. I love my dad and miss talking to him so much but it is still good that I still have him and I appreciate every minute. The depth of my sadness is intense and doesn’t cease except when I am asleep. And I sleep good thanks to the medicine that knocks me right out, and I sleep in till 9 or ten every day and I fall asleep by midnight.
Has any one else felt this sadness?
This is my rant to cyberspace. If anyone reads this please be aware that I am ok just want to share with my readers and anyone where I am at…
Today opened my eyes to something. I am not the same person I was prepsychosis. I used to be a very able bodied person, could handle a lot and get the job done. Well I still can get the job done but it wipes me out at the end of the day and sometimes the next day. I can’t even imagine working again, as I look at all the job descriptions with the degree I have I think no I know that I can’t do the job. I may be able to do it for a while but not long term. This is ok. I am content being a housewife, mother of a teenage child and two adult children, daughter of two frail parents who I do help a lot, blogger and dog lover. But I fail so much because of this disorder. I don’t finish what I start so often and I often don’t start things because I don’t want to fail yet again.
I have self medicated with alcohol (been over 2 years though since I had a drink), marijuana (been clean almost 2 weeks) and food is my worst and best friend although I have managed to lose most of the weight I gained since starting on anti-psychotics through proper diet and exercise. So I guess I should be proud of that. and I succeed at other things too like I made a thanksgiving dinner for six people the other day and it was a huge success. So it is not that I am inept, I just can’t hold down a job or finish some projects out of fear of I don’t know what.
Thank you to all the people who have encouraged me on here, it did help when someone commented that I should look at my blogging as a form of work, helping others. I guess that is why I am blogging now because I want my readers to know that I struggle every day because of this disorder and I have very few people I can talk to about all my struggles. Today I was talking to my brother who is not mentally disordered and he was sharing with me all that was going on in his busy life and I was very proud of him and a little jealous because my life consists of so much less. I used to have huge aspirations, even got my Master’s Degree but now when I dust that large framed certificate I just cringe because I know I will never use it again.
I know I need to be gentle with myself and to accept my plight but it is hard to imagine another 40 years like this. I wake up every day and struggle to get going and some days are better than others. I need and do appreciate the days when I am able to get things done. But some days like today I just sit at my computer for hours and surf the web for something interesting to read and visit my favorite pages and sit and sit. I use music a lot though and that helps. I am a huge George Michael fan I must admit!
So I guess what I want to say is that sometimes life just isn’t fair. I am happy but still discontent because I remember the days when I was able to do so much more. I wish I could be that way again but that isn’t helpful. So I pray the Serenity Prayer, God grant me the ability to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference. Amen