An honest blog…

This is my rant to cyberspace.  If anyone reads this please be aware that I am ok just want to share with my readers and anyone where I am at…

Today opened my eyes to something.  I am not the same person I was prepsychosis.  I used to be a very able bodied person, could handle a lot and get the job done.  Well I still can get the job done but it wipes me out at the end of the day and sometimes the next day.  I can’t even imagine working again, as I look at all the job descriptions with the degree I have I think no I know that I can’t do the job.  I may be able to do it for a while but not long term.  This is ok.  I am content being a housewife, mother of a teenage child and two adult children, daughter of two frail parents who I do help a lot, blogger and dog lover.  But I fail so much because of this disorder.  I don’t finish what I start so often and I often don’t start things because I don’t want to fail yet again.

I have self medicated with alcohol (been over 2 years though since I had a drink), marijuana (been clean almost 2 weeks) and food is my worst and best friend although I have managed to lose most of the weight I gained since starting on anti-psychotics through proper diet and exercise.  So I guess I should be proud of that.  and I succeed at other things too like I made a thanksgiving dinner for six people the other day and it was a huge success.  So it is not that I am inept, I just can’t hold down a job or finish some projects out of fear of I don’t know what.

Thank you to all the people who have encouraged me on here, it did help when someone commented that I should look at my blogging as a form of work, helping others.  I guess that is why I am blogging now because I want my readers to know that I struggle every day because of this disorder and I have very few people I can talk to about all my struggles.  Today I was talking to my brother who is not mentally disordered and he was sharing with me all that was going on in his busy life and I was very proud of him and a little jealous because my life consists of so much less.  I used to have huge aspirations, even got my Master’s Degree but now when I dust that large framed certificate I just cringe because I know I will never use it again.

I know I need to be gentle with myself and to accept my plight but it is hard to imagine another 40 years like this.  I wake up every day and struggle to get going and some days are better than others.  I need and do appreciate the days when I am able to get things done.  But some days like today I just sit at my computer for hours and surf the web for something interesting to read and visit my favorite pages and sit and sit.  I use music a lot though and that helps.  I am a huge George Michael fan I must admit!

So I guess what I want to say is that sometimes life just isn’t fair.  I am happy but still discontent because I remember the days when I was able to do so much more.  I wish I could be that way again but that isn’t helpful.  So I pray the Serenity Prayer, God grant me the ability to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference.  Amen

Pax

Victoria

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2 comments on “An honest blog…

  1. brad says:

    Wow. I can really relate to this. I’m being medically retired from the Army for schizoaffective disorder and can’t stop the panic over how I’ll be able to work and support my family since I’m the one with the degrees and experience. My wife is confident I can do it – but I’m not. Everything is so hard now.

    • My heart goes out to you! You will be in my prayers. Although I am not able to work, I know people with this disorder who do so hopefully that will be you. Take your meds and see a therapist and exercise! Write again soon and let me know how you are doing. Pax Victoria

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