Monthly Archives: September 2016

I will be reentering the workforce!

So after a month of interviewing with this one mattress store, after my third interview, I got the call that I got the job!  I was ecstatic to say the least.  I start right away and it will be 40 hours a week.

So this means I am giving up on permanent disability for now and really trying to see if I can make it at a less stressful job.  I think it will be fine because I did work for several years at a stressful job and going to work everyday wasn’t the problem, it was the stressful clients.  This job will be much less stress and I should make some pretty good money.

We celebrated naturally last night and went to a steakhouse with my immediate family although my dear daughter wasn’t there nor my youngest son (sad face) but my eldest was there with his girlfriend and my husband so it was pretty cool.

The sad part is that I will not get to see my dad as much working full time but I know I will still go.  My visits with him have gotten shorter anyway because he really is not with it and he doesn’t talk at all except occasionally.  I am doing well with his eminent death.  From the stages of grief I think I am in the acceptance stage.  I love him dearly and don’t want him to die but I know it will happen sooner or later.  It is my mom I worry about more because she is so frail and not doing well but I will still help her out on my days off and be there for her as much as possible.

All in all it will be a good thing that I am working, for the money, for my sanity, to feel productive, to force myself to get out of my house….  My pdoc is ok with it so that is cool!

I still have some days when I don’t feel like I can handle life very well.  One day last week it was super hot and I had a major anxiety attack at Church.  But we left early and I went home and felt better.

Has the heat ever caused any of you to have an anxiety attack like that?

Well that is enough rambling about me.  Will keep you all posted on how work goes!  I start Saturday so that will be great and one word for you ladies!  I need work clothes so…

SHOPPING!!!! lol

Pax

Victoria

 

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It’s a new beautiful day

Sometimes life just gets hard.  It is hard to know the right thing to do especially when one suffers from mental illness.  I am dually diagnosed, I suffer from addiction along with Schizoaffective disorder.  I fight it though and am happy to say that today I am clean and sober and taking my mental illness meds as prescribed.  It is not every day that I can say that, but I have hope for many more days like today to come, one day at a time.

I have new hope that God will carry me through when I cannot lift myself up even in prayer.

The great part is that there are these really good people in my life today who help me to see the positive side of things.  Negative people have a very small place in my life.  If I could I would eliminate them altogether but when they are immediate family it is very hard.  I try to be positive with them, always pointing out the good in every situation and lately there have been some situations which just suck!  But I do my best and I think I am doing a really great job with what life has given me.

I will leave you with this prayer which I try to live each day.  It really helps me to get through everything with grace and dignity.

“God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change (you),

the courage to change the things I can (me)

and the wisdom to know the difference”

Amen

Pax

Victoria

Update on dad

Starvation is how he will probably go…

But that is a natural part of the dying process so I am ok with that although it is hard to watch. Here’s to better days and future inspiration.

I am going on a three day retreat starting tonight.  It is in the gym of our local high school and no cellphones or electronics or watches.  Should be inspirational and give me a needed break from the hospital.  My brother will be here and Aunt and Uncle so he won’t be alone.  My mom always goes too.  The sad part too is that our birthdays are in October.  Wonder if he will see 79.  I will be 47 wow!

Hope everyone is doing well too right now.

I won’t give up,

Pax

Victoria

Eternal love

As my dad prepares to enter eternity, I am greatly reminded not only of his love for me but also his limitations in understanding my disorder.  He has tried to be positive towards it but honestly he doesn’t get it at all.  But when he is in heaven he will understand fully the plight of my every day bane existence.  The struggles I have every day and most importantly how much I love and appreciate him for all he has done for me.

He will finally understand what it means to have this disorder, the ups and downs, the doubts of reality, the difficulties of getting around day to day with sometimes the most simplest of tasks.

I am Catholic so I will be asking for his help when he finally dies to enter eternity.  I know he will be with me even more than he is right now as he lays dying at the hospital.  He still knows my name and says it when prompted.  God I love this man so much!  Even in his dying days I am grateful to have had him still in my life, even though he cannot speak or laugh or smile the way he used to.  I love you dad, more than life itself at times and you will be and already are greatly missed.  Thank you for choosing me and loving me and being there for me when I was hurting and sad.  May God bless you and lead you into his kingdom with grace and dignity and eternal love.

Although I am very sad right now readers know this I will not give up!  Never will I give up, I have too much to live for and too much to do still in this lifetime.  I have been a little bit suicidal because of my dad dying and all but I still have my sons and daughter who adore me and need me so much, well some of them more than the others, mainly my teenage son.  I must be strong for him.

Pax

Victoria

In Limbo, not liking it

I’m not one to usually complain but the facts are that I am in major limbo right now.  My dad is not getting better but is also hanging on because he is such a strong person.  I go to the hospital every day and spend time with him which is precious and know he could have another stroke at any moment but I have a choice to make which I feel my finances have already made.

I need to work!  The bills dictate it and aren’t going away…  I am waiting on this one job in particular which would solve all our financial woes but the waiting is killing me.  On the one hand I love spending hours every day with my pa but if I get this job I will be limited to only visiting him as often as my schedule allows:(  And my mom needs me too but is managing to take care of herself pretty well these days.

My teenage son started a homeschool program because of his mental health disorder for his senior year and today we finally started it.  I am hoping he can get the work done and graduate…..

So many parts of my life right now that I am holding my breath on.  I know I need to trust and pray and live in the moment but it is very hard.

My disorder is under control although I still have bad days each week where I can’t find the motivation to do much but other days I am on fire.  I definitely have bipolar tendencies along with Schizoaffective disorder.

Did some therapy online which was helpful but completed that so now I just vent to friends and God.

What are some ways you stay sane when in limbo????

 

Here is to getting some answers soon,

Pax

Victoria