Hope

 

I used to believe I was the most special person to ever live…

Well the proof is in the pudding as they say.  I can’t even work and my proud accomplishments are mainly having raised three beautiful children, have been married 24 years to the same man and that I take really good care of my parents who are elderly and myself through proper diet, exercise and keeping my house in order.  Nothing that others haven’t also achieved, certainly not much to think one is that special.

I have lingering thoughts that one day I will write a great book that will help many people but again that has been done.  So why do I still even for one second believe this could be possible???

I am no longer delusional nor do I receive messages from heaven like I did when I was psychotic. I used to miss it but now I am used to the quiet in my life and I like it this way.

So I take my medicine dutifully in the morning and at night and just try to get through each day, keeping up my obligations and trying to have a little bit of fun in the process.

But some days are still really hard and to be honest I hate those days.  But I have learned that the next day is usually brighter and better.  I know that I get stronger when I meet my obstacles head on but to be honest there are still days when I sleep in really late and sit in my computer chair and stare only getting up to feed myself and use the latrine.

But those days are fewer and farther in between.  I am learning to prep the night before and write out my goals on google keep and my phone and to not just get stuck at my computer mindlessly surfing the web or watching my favorite show.

So tomorrow is Sunday and I don’t work on Sundays due to religious beliefs to respect the Sabbath.  I actually have a fun filled day ahead of me so I am off to bed even though it is a little later than I should be getting to bed but I just really wanted to get these thoughts out in the universe whether anyone reads them or not.

Here’s to more good days than bad this next week.  I hope everyone is doing well and keeping the hope that sometimes things can only get better one day at a time!

Pax

Victoria

Don’t focus on the negative like I did today!

Living with this disorder is challenging to say the least!  i actually had 6 out of 7 days where I met all my goals, eating right, exercising a lot, taking me time, took care of the dogs etc…  It was a good week but sad to say that all I can focus on is today when I did not meet all my goals.  I must stop doing this to myself.  I must not be so hard on myself for having one day of not doing much!  It is just that the days I am productive I don’t feel disordered and the days like today when I am lazy and unproductive I feel like I have this disability.  Does this make sense to anyone?

As usual, I have a new obsession- gardening.  I see a patch of weeds when I am walking and all I want to do is stop and help the neighborhood be weed free.  That’s pretty funny I think.  Tomorrow I am going over to my oldest son’s condo and guess what I am doing  Yep, I am pulling weeds!  I literally can’t wait!  It feels good to finally have a fun, relaxing, and rewarding hobby!

It’s late so I am off to bed but hope that someone who reads this gets past my mistake of looking at that one bad day instead of the many good ones.

Pax

Victoria