Lack of motivation is my current main symptom

 

I see my pdoc tomorrow and am thinking about what I want to talk to him about and after a conversation with one of my two sounding boards I have come to the conclusion that my main problem is that there are days when I am totally unmotivated to do even simple things like put something away or send a text.  This is one of the negative symptoms of Schizoaffective Disorder which I have written about before at length (see June 2014 for more about the negative symptoms of Schizophrenia).

Other days I am unstoppable like today.  I deep cleaned part of my house and was very motivated to keep going until 6pm when my husband got home.  It’s weird because sometimes I am more motivated when my family is here with me especially if they are working on projects or other days like today I was motivated by myself with only my son stopping by on his way to work.  There is no rhyme or reason to my moods to get things done.  It is pretty awesome though that I exercise 6 out of 7 days a week very regularly, walking for many miles when the weather is nice or jumping on my mini trampoline or gardening when the mood strikes me which lately has been more often than not.

The one thing that my pdoc highly recommended with me being off work permanently is to keep my mind engaged and he suggested learning Spanish.  Well tomorrow I get to tell him that I am not only learning Spanish (I actually already know some) but that I am taking a gardening class which is mainly in Spanish.  The teacher is a white girl like me and it is pretty cool that she teaches the class to us in Spanish.  The class is predominately Hispanic so I get to hear her proper grammar and a lot of slang.  I’d say my pdoc will be pleased as I am learning a lot about gardening terms in Spanish.

The class itself is pretty interesting and I am applying the knowledge I am learning to my own personal gardens which are coming along.  I have weeded, put down weed block, compost and will add mulch around my plants as soon as I buy some which should be tomorrow hopefully.  It is a great hobby I highly recommend.  That and walking are my main sources of entertainment and my show I am obsessed with Person of Interest which I am watching for the second time but slower so it will last.

I spend most of my days alone with my dogs and a mix of going to either an AA meeting, a walk with a friend/dogs or to coffee with someone.  Of course I go to the store but some days like today I just stay home and work on the house.  It is amazing how much dirt one can find when one looks for it.  I also enjoy taking a drive along the coast with my husband or alone.  Nights are spent reading mainly and blogging or writing in my journal.

And yet I wonder if there is more to life than this?  I still wonder if I should work again but if I did it would be gardening or working at the library or something chill like that.

I am currently awaiting my hearing to get on permanent disability or rather should say I am waiting for them to schedule it which may take a year!  I have till August of this year till my state disability benefits run out so that gives me time to figure out what I need to do.  I am able to pay off my debt right now a little at a time and finally finished paying off the last hospital stay.  I think that is what I will tell the people at the hearing that I can’t work because I will just end up in the hospital again if I work as history has repeated.

I have been clean and sober for seventeen months which is how long it has been since my last hospital stay.  I still use nicotine regularly via lozenges which really helps with the stress, ha what stress?  Yes I am still stressed out even though I am not working just getting through each day but it is minimal compared to when I work.  Sometimes I stress about a difficult day meeting various social engagements which are rare because I choose it that way for the most part.  I have family over for dinner sometimes and enjoy that very much.

Well that is about all that is going on with me.  Feel free to write in anytime as I answer all my legit email at:. victoriamariealonso@yahoo.com

Pax

Victoria

 

 

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3 comments on “Lack of motivation is my current main symptom

  1. I think your gardening or library work are fine ideas, but I would look into just volunteering at first. This way you can gauge how you will do before you and your potential employer make a commitment. My new rule is that I have to go three years without an episode before I consider trying to work again. My Disability came with Medicaid, and I would not be able to afford my healthcare if I went to work again, but in that case I think I read you can keep the Medicaid. My meds are $972 a month just for one of them, and I also need therapy, which is also covered. I’m just saying, take your time. Good luck with the disability too and don’t forget you can always reapply. I was turned down the first time.

    • I see from your prior comment and this one that you have been through this. I really feel like I shouldn’t work ever again really. I am quite content being at home with my gardens, dogs and children to look after although they are practically grown now but still require me to be there for them in a different way now. It is more of emotional support which is almost more taxing than being physically present. That being said, the only reason why I would work is because we really need the money. My meds are cheap and I don’t go to therapy which I am fine with but I do have a lot of bills and some debt still which right now I have been able to pay down with my current state disability income along with my husband’s income. In August that will change, but I don’t think I should look too far ahead because who knows? things can always change by then. I am better off not working as I still have hard days and if I had a job I would suffer through my shift and probably relapse again on alcohol which I have been sober for sixteen months now which is since my last hospitalization. It is just so hard to think I can’t work as that is how I used to be defined. I will write more about this on my blog I think but just wanted to say thanks for the reminder about volunteering first! Pax V

  2. Elliot Broad says:

    Good article! he has good one life, every patient of Schizophrenia would like to be live like him.

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