This disorder can be brutal

A year ago I was hospitalized for the third time, when the stress of my full time work in the mental health field became too much for me and I became passively suicidal (didn’t want to live but had no active plan to commit suicide).  I just finished paying off my share for it and felt it was time to reflect on this past year.

Several months went by and every time I thought to return to work I got incredibly anxious so I quit my job and went on disability for the second time.  Then my work offered me part time work which I happily accepted.  It was obvious that I couldn’t make it full time but maybe part time would be better I thought.  I gave it my all but the stress from being at a job even three days a week was too much so I quit and am now applying for permanent disability.

I don’t even feel bad that I have a Master’s Degree in Psychology and can’t use it.  I don’t feel bad except when I have no money although I just recently had all my school debt forgiven ($100,000) due to being disabled.  I don’t feel bad because not working feels so right.  My biggest stress these days is what I am going to cook for dinner for the family.  I also get to spend a lot of time with my elderly parents so that is cool.  When I worked I rarely saw them but now I see them every day.  So there are benefits to not working.

But this disease makes my life so hard that I don’t wish it on anyone.  My memory is affected greatly, I have a hard time in social situations, I make poor decisions despite trying my hardest to do the right thing and I still have some delusions which just aren’t very fun.  I work very hard to combat the negative symptoms of this disorder, which include lack of motivation, constant fear at times, and battling depression and suicidal thoughts.  If it wasn’t for my parents and children I would consider this more of an option so I thank God for my protective factors.

I do not mean to be a downer but I think it is important to state these negative factors in having Schizoaffective Disorder.  If all I write about is how well I am doing, people may be jealous and not have a reality check if they too suffer.

I fight every day to do better and some days I win but then I go to bed and the next day is a new battle and once again I fight for my sanity.  The days at times seem endless and tedious.  For goodness sake I can’t even work to help support my family.  Thank God for disability!!!

Soon I will list my goals for 2016.  They are less lofty than previous years because I want to be realistic.  I do enjoy life some days but some days are really hard.

To all my readers who have been following me for a while I just want to thank you for your friendship.  This blog is a huge part of my life as it is the only place where I can write about what is really going on and when people email me or make comments it makes my life a little bit better when I can help others who are afflicted or who have loved ones with this disorder.  I wish I could do more but this is who I am and I have realized my limitations having this disorder and they are what they are. Nothing less nothing more.   It is what it is although I fight every day and although there are days I feel like I have lost, all in all I feel like i am doing ok and that must be enough.

Pax

Victoria

 

 

 

 

 

 

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