Loss

Hello to all!

I am not doing so well due to three major losses going on in my life currently.  My daughter 21 leaves for Colorado on Monday for school and I am heartbroken.  She has been a huge part of my recovery from Schizoaffective Disorder and I really don’t think I will do well these next few weeks.  I get to visit her in October but that seems so far away.  She is dear to me and I call her my butterfly because even from her birth she has been my easiest and most loving child.  Her thoughtfulness and ability to make me laugh is a lot of the reason why I do as well as I do.  We will facetime, talk and text but that is 18 hours away.  Seriously, could she get any farther?  We are supposed to have a going away family party for her Sunday and I am not close to being ready.  I hope everyone understands why things aren’t perfect.

But I said three losses and that is my biggest one surprisingly but I shall share also that my adult son is moving out the same month.  He bought a condo with his girlfriend and I am happy for him but today I got emotional with him and he just shut me down.  He is my firstborn child and will always hold a special place in my heart because of that fact.  He is not going far but combine that with my daughter leaving the same month and ouch!  He is also my computer geek around everything electronic but maybe that will give him reasons to visit.  Unfortunately I am not very close to him anymore but maybe with him having his own place he will warm up to me again.

Lastly and sadly, I have to go on permanent disability.  But I was able this time to give two weeks notice at my job with my last day being Wednesday.  I am giving up my dream of getting my MFT license which isn’t that big a deal but to think that I will never work again is daunting.  I do well for a while then all of a sudden I’m not ok.  I didn’t have to be hospitalized this time and am happy for that, but it is a loss just the same.  I wonder what I will do with my days especially with two kids gone at the same time.  Perhaps now I will be able to focus more on my sixteen year old son, my house and myself.  Might even garden I hope!

If anyone has any prayers to spare, I would be most grateful.  My body wants to shut down with all this going on but I can’t give in and do that.  I am not suicidal, happily I write, just have a sort of dread with all the loss going on right now at the same time.  I do have a good therapist who I saw twice last week and that helps but where did all my friends go that were surrounding me last month?  I feel very alone right now….

Here’s to better times to come,

Pax

Victoria

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2 comments on “Loss

  1. newacoustica says:

    Hi Victoria,

    I’m in the same boat as you. My kids are leaving to study and I will soon be finding myself alone. It’s really hard as they have been the one constant in my adult life. But the hardest thing in your blog post is having to give up work permanently. I’m 42 and said goodbye to my career in April. The longest I’ve been able to work in one stretch is 3 months. So I made the decision to say goodbye to any sort of financial independence and hello to permanent disability. The first few months I struggled as I felt my independence and opportunities had been taken from me, and most of all any social interaction I’d get at the workplace. I tend to lock myself away as my psychosis can be crippling.

    However, I have realised that calling on help from others I can still live a reasonably functional and fulfilling life. With the help of my team, I have started a cooking class teaching young adults who have been newly diagnosed. It’s only voluntary, one day a week, but it gets me out of the house and a chance to mentor young people who need to know a life can still be lived in the midst of a psychotic illness.

    Make sure you fill your day up with purposeful things and your life will be excellent.

    Kia Kaha (stay strong)

    Rhys

  2. Rhys,
    Thank you for commenting on my blog from last year. It has been a good year sorting through children moving out and I have found purpose in my days which are spent looking after my elderly parents and my teenage son. Things were going really well, I got my house in order, got a fantastic garden going and got healthier until July 2nd when my dear father had a stroke and my world got turned upside down again. He is dying in the hospital now and it is very sad to visit him but I go and hope for moments of clarity. I don’t want him to ever die but he is so miserable right now… and I am going to rejoin the workforce in September. I was fine not working, even started writing a book on finding purpose in life not working, but permanent disability is taking forever so I will try again as a sales associate. So I was doing much better, got used to my daughter being gone and getting to see my adult son pretty much every week which makes me very happy. But the thought of losing my dad overwhelms me right now.
    Thats neat that you get to mentor. I’m sure you are making a difference!
    Pax
    Victoria

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