Finding my rythmn being at home full time

In my last post, I said I was taking a break from blogging for a while. Well, I lied. I was feeling very down due to going on permanent disability and didn’t think I had much to offer my readers. I suffer from Schizoaffective Disorder and stress brings out my symptoms so I made the decision to stop working recently, which means I am not going for my MFT license (I have earned 2,700 of 3,000 needed hours). What job is stress free? Just the stress of getting up everyday and having to be at work was much harder after my last relapse of the negative symptoms of my disorder.

So what have I been up to this week? I have been cleaning my house mostly and didn’t realize how dirty it was! I have also been cooking more and paying more attention to my 16 year old son who I feel I have neglected due to being so focused on my career. Amazingly, I have also been hanging out with friends and/or family almost every day which is awesome. Isolating in my home is not good and I am finding much pleasure in having these friend/family dates to look forward to in between my cooking and cleaning.

I have a serious mental health condition and because of that fact, I have limited ability with my attention. I gave so much at work (my therapist says I give 120%) that I had nothing left for my personal life. My hat is tipped to any of you who are able to work, take care of a family/house and stay stable. Not me.
I accept this limitation and have plans to volunteer once I get my house in order. My options are open right now. I wouldn’t mind volunteering at the hospital, or at a local ranch or who knows what will come my way? I remain open to any ideas readers may have, or that you are doing. It seems like most of my readers who have this disorder can’t work much. I am with you now admitting not defeat but rather a conscience choice to stay at home.

So for now I will keep blogging as it does really help me to get it out on here.
If you have been with me for a while, thanks for reading and being a part of my recovery. If you are a new reader welcome and I hope you come back and email me if you are so inclined and share your story. I have some insight and it is always good to connect with others who are in similar circumstances.

I think now that I am not working I will be much more balanced and not have any more relapses. This last one was bad, landing me in the hospital in December 2014 on suicide watch… Never want that to happen again. This time early August 2015, I headed off a relapse because I recognized the signs, dread of going to work, feeling very stressed out during and after work and just not being at my best mentally. So I have new hope today and that is never a bad thing!

Pax
Victoria
Feel free to email me at: victoriamariealonso@yahoo.com

I also welcome professionals, students or anyone interested in this disorder to write me as well!

Life can be hard with this diagnosis

Hello! Victoria here! Welcome to my blog on my journey since 2008 when I was diagnosed with Schizophrenia by a team of doctors at UCLA and later rediagnosed by my now psychiatrist with Schizoaffective Disorder. I was 38 at the time which is late in life to be diagnosed but it is what it is. After being diagnosed I went on to earn my Master’s Degree in Psychology and was working in the mental health field up until 2 weeks ago. Unfortunately, due to this disorder I can’t handle stress as it causes a relapse of symptoms and brings about thoughts of wanting to die along with sometimes psychotic symptoms. When I am not working (I have taken several disability breaks and one hospitalization since I began working) I do pretty good but it takes longer each time to get back to a good place so I have decided along with my psychiatrist’s help to go on permanent disability. I truly feel like this is the right decision because I don’t know how many recoveries I have and although I enjoy working believe that I can volunteer still and do a better job at managing my home and family while on disability. I will be taking a break from blogging until I am at a better place but will still answer emails and comments. I can be reached at: victoriamariealonso@yahoo.com
Thank you for all the emails, I have truly met some life long friends on here with other people who also suffer with this disorder and many loved ones with family also afflicted.
Pax
Victoria

I’m off my pity pot and lesson learned

I am doing much better now with everything. I am human and at times I am weak and I learned a major lesson. I was wondering where all my friends and family went now that I am suffering, well the truth be known, I hadn’t really let anyone know how much I was suffering. I reread my texts which I thought said how I was doing but they said very little in this regard. Now that people know I am really struggling they are stepping up to the plate and offering me extra support.
As a person with Schizoaffective Disorder I am making a note to myself that people can’t read my mind and I have to be more specific even when it is hard. So many people don’t know what to do with us myself included. There are so many aspects of this disorder which come into play when we get stressed out and one of them is paranoia which I believe was what was happening to me. Nobody cares, nobody loves me, nobody gives a shit! Anyone else feel this way ever?
Anyway, I have lots of free time now so keep those emails coming!
victoriamariealonso@yahoo.com

Here is to a better tomorrow,
Pax
Victoria

Loss

Hello to all!

I am not doing so well due to three major losses going on in my life currently.  My daughter 21 leaves for Colorado on Monday for school and I am heartbroken.  She has been a huge part of my recovery from Schizoaffective Disorder and I really don’t think I will do well these next few weeks.  I get to visit her in October but that seems so far away.  She is dear to me and I call her my butterfly because even from her birth she has been my easiest and most loving child.  Her thoughtfulness and ability to make me laugh is a lot of the reason why I do as well as I do.  We will facetime, talk and text but that is 18 hours away.  Seriously, could she get any farther?  We are supposed to have a going away family party for her Sunday and I am not close to being ready.  I hope everyone understands why things aren’t perfect.

But I said three losses and that is my biggest one surprisingly but I shall share also that my adult son is moving out the same month.  He bought a condo with his girlfriend and I am happy for him but today I got emotional with him and he just shut me down.  He is my firstborn child and will always hold a special place in my heart because of that fact.  He is not going far but combine that with my daughter leaving the same month and ouch!  He is also my computer geek around everything electronic but maybe that will give him reasons to visit.  Unfortunately I am not very close to him anymore but maybe with him having his own place he will warm up to me again.

Lastly and sadly, I have to go on permanent disability.  But I was able this time to give two weeks notice at my job with my last day being Wednesday.  I am giving up my dream of getting my MFT license which isn’t that big a deal but to think that I will never work again is daunting.  I do well for a while then all of a sudden I’m not ok.  I didn’t have to be hospitalized this time and am happy for that, but it is a loss just the same.  I wonder what I will do with my days especially with two kids gone at the same time.  Perhaps now I will be able to focus more on my sixteen year old son, my house and myself.  Might even garden I hope!

If anyone has any prayers to spare, I would be most grateful.  My body wants to shut down with all this going on but I can’t give in and do that.  I am not suicidal, happily I write, just have a sort of dread with all the loss going on right now at the same time.  I do have a good therapist who I saw twice last week and that helps but where did all my friends go that were surrounding me last month?  I feel very alone right now….

Here’s to better times to come,

Pax

Victoria