One of the most debilitating problems with this disorder is that in group settings I am often quiet and feel very awkward when I do add to the conversation. Today was a bit of a breakthrough. I am forcing myself to get out of my house more and participate in the world. It feels good to have friends and family that I care about and that they care for me and accept me for who I am, disorder and all. Many of them even forget I have a mental disorder because I am pretty good for the most part.
My weekend started out rough though because I ran out of my anti-anxiety meds and had an anxiety attack at an AA meeting. I excused myself and waited out in my car because I had promised a good friend a ride after the meeting. My best friend came out of the meeting and another acquaintance came too to check on me. I was pretty anxious but was appreciative that they came cared about me. We talked for a while and it was a really neat experience to have people genuinely interested in my well being.
After the meeting I went home and cleaned my house! I haven’t done that for a while because of different reasons but it felt really good to have a clean house that I cleaned not somebody else or just lived with dust and dirt until one of my kids or my mother-in-law would do it. I decided to spend the day by myself because I could and have been so busy with friends and family that I haven’t had much alone time. I was ok with myself but wanted to spend some time with people on Sunday because I was afraid I would be bored at home all day alone again, which is what I would do up until recently.
Sunday I invited my dad over for muffins and we hung out for a while with my kids coming in and out. I received a text from my friend Julia to meet up at a new coffee shop. I invited my dad and we both went and had a great time hanging out at this really cool coffee shop. I was out so I stopped by to see another friend who is having a hard time right now but she was asleep and I had some time before a little party I was invited to was going to start so I went shopping and then to the party. Mind you on weekends I normally would just spend time on my computer and watching shows on Netflix. It seems that now I get these invites and it is way more fun to hang out with people.
The party I went to had about 15 people and at first I was super anxious but then got really into the conversation. I asked questions and was genuinely interested in the responses and had a really nice time. I was nervous about the party but it was great. I am back at work tomorrow but hope to have more weekends like this where there is a good balance between alone time and time with friends and family.
Have a great week everyone!
For the first time post diagnosis I feel surrounded by people who love and care about me. I never thought this was possible because there was a time when I felt so alone and I am glad to be on the other side now.
Tonight I unintentionally hurt my best friend. I was so sad. It was a situation which got out of hand because of the disease of addiction (not me, been sober a long time now) but involved another friend I have been trying with all my heart and soul to get sober. Unfortunately, this disease of addiction can ruin the best people and I had to withdraw my help with tough love and she understood although she was pretty wasted. My best friend understood too although I couldn’t give him too many details having to protect her anonymity. I will not stop praying for her though and although it is painful, I feel it was the necessary step.
On another note, my aging parents, who I am so happy they are still alive, have accepted my help to come over 3 days a week to help my mom walk and get back her strength. I love them with all my heart and soul and feel so blessed to have them as parents. I am also grateful I can still talk to them and that they both have their wits about them. They have been there for me every step of the way from birth to now and I love that I get to spend more time with both of them! They understand me better than most and have been the best parents anyone could ever want. I love you mom and dad if you are reading this!
I also have some other people in my life right now who are great supporters, my daughter, my sons, my husband, my good friend Julia, and several others who love me unconditionally. This means the world to me. I know that as someone with a mental health condition support is vital. I pray for all my readers, that they have the necessary support they need not only get by in life but also thrive despite this tragic disorder. God bless everyone of you!
I had an interesting situation today I have decided to write about on here that is still baffling me. A woman with obvious mental health problems was behaving inappropriately and I didn’t know how to help her or the situation. This frustrates me. Having this disorder often leaves me like this where I don’t know what to do especially in social settings. This makes it hard to step out of my comfort zone and respond. So I do nothing and hope that the situation rectifies itself. Today it did not and I felt terrible. But I must forgive myself and try to move on. The problem was that in this situation many other people were observing me and I felt so darn powerless. I can say a prayer for this woman but there are just times when I don’t know how to act or how to help and I blame this disorder. Today I hated having schizoaffective disorder. When it affects other people I am not ok with it.
I get a lot of emails rather from readers. I respond to them all. I know I do not have the answer for everyone and I don’t think anyone expects me to. I am just like my readers and still suffer much from this tragic diagnosis. It can be debilitating. Lately I have had a hard time keeping my house in order. It really needs a good cleaning and I don’t have hired help anymore because I am only working part-time right now and my trip to Europe really set me back. Sorry if I sound like I am complaining but I am very frustrated right now with myself and hope that I can get my house cleaned this week. When my house is in order I feel so much better about myself.
I hope my readers are doing ok. Sorry this is not an uplifting post but I still suffer much and need to write about these times too.
I have been back from Italy for a week now and finally realized what I wanted to write about my trip on here~
It was like a dream, like my schizophrenia was in full remission practically the whole time. I was worried about the flight, 15 hours on two planes, worried about making all the connections and worried I might not get along the whole time with my daughter. I shouldn’t have been worried at all. I prayed to Padre Pio for all my worries and he faithfully answered every one of them.
The flight was no big deal although I couldn’t sleep on the plane. We made every single connection easily from bus to train to taxis. It was a religious journey intermixed with fun, and both were realized on this long journey around the world. And my time with my daughter was priceless. It is the first of our many travels but this first trip I will always remember as the most special. It was the perfect trip.
I could write much more but will leave it there as sometimes less words are better than many.