Accepting one’s diagnosis

I have accepted my diagnosis and feel like I am on the other side of it now living symptom free.  For different reasons not everyone with a mental disorder is able to accept their diagnosis and I have recently been educated on that fact.  For me it was very freeing to have a diagnosis to explain what was happening to me while psychotic and then when the medication helped me to get stable again and live much more functioning, I was very happy to have medication that works so well.

It is alamring to me when I hear that some people go for a season without their medication.  I cannot imagine going off of mine- for any reason at all.  I do not want to be psychotic again and the medicine keeps it away so why would I want to chance that by playing around with my medication?

Life is so good right now!

But I refuse to judge others’ decisions because my reality is just that, mine not yours.

Comments are welcome!

Pax

Victoria

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The dangers of comparing

I read someone’s blog today and it made me feel like I was less than.  This is the dangers of comparing.

I have my own story with all its nuances and different interpretations.  It is not good to compare with other’s my stories.  Bottom line.

I try to share my experiences with the hopes of helping others, but when people read mine I hope they do not feel less than, the way I felt.

I am not my disorder and it is not me, but it is a part of who I am so it is important to tell my story and to read other’s stories as well.

Life is hard enough, not to compare is my goal right now.  I will take it all in and appreciate the similiarities but as to the differences I must realize that there will always be just that and not wish for a different life.

I am pretty happy with who I have become and the result of this is honest introspection.  Do I wish I didn’t have this disorder?  I can’t wish for something that is unattainable so that is a place I must not go.  I can only live my life to the fullest possible and I do believe that my recovery is an important piece to that puzzle.

Pax

Victoria

A wish…

Sometimes I really wish I could work in my community with fellow people with this disorder.  I have recently worked in my career with 2 people who have psychotic disorders and I feel I am really able to help them mainly because of my personal experience, even though they do not know I have a psychotic disorder, too.  I know I can’t help everyone but I feel like I could do more.  I toyed with the idea to contact a local organization and volunteer to lead a group and disclose my disorder and recovery but I know I would have to tell my work and I really fear the stigma associated with Schizophrenia or Schizoaffective Disorder.

At my last job, after disclosing my mental health condition things definitely changed.  My judgement was no longer trusted and I was treated “differently”.  I tried not to believe that things had changed but they did.  Things are going really well for me at my work.  With the exception of one co-worker no one knows.  Why should I jeopardize my good standing just to maybe help a few more people?  I can’t do it now but perhaps later I will specialize in this disorder and “come out” after I have proven myself.

Is this selfish thinking?  I think not.  My family depends on my income so if I were to jeopardize that it would affect them directly and they are my number one priority in life.

So for now I will just continue to do what I am doing and try to be satisfied.

Pax

Victoria

Not sure why…

Today was my first day back at work after the holidays and for some reason I am a little stressed out.  It is the end of the day and nothing bad happened at work, nobody got mad at me for anything and it was a pretty easy day, overall.

But tonight as I get ready for bed I feel like something bad either has happened and I don’t know about it or I feel like something bad will happen.  I have felt this way before recently but not to this degree.  Perhaps it was too much time eating and relaxing through the holidays that I am feeling stress now being back at work even though I work in a very positive work environment.

I do take Attivan every day that I work to help relieve anxiety and I did take one today.  I am going to do some mindful breathing in a little bit before bed.

It is strange but I move from task to task looking forward to the next thing I get to do and not enjoying the thing I am presently doing.  I don’t know if this makes any sense but it is what it is.  When I was on vacation recently for example I wanted to enjoy the view from the eigth floor of the Cheesecake Factory.  My prayer was that I would appreciate it.  Well the wait was almost 2 hours long so I had 2 hours to enjoy the view, but I had to make a conscious choice to do so.

I think a lot of this is normal stuff but I don’t remember being this way before my psychotic break in 2008.  I remember enjoying the moment more.  Perhaps it is age, but I think it is related to my disorder and from the side effects of the medication.

For now I am going to be sure to take better care of what I eat, how much sleep I get, that I exercise almost every day, shower regularly, take time to enjoy myself in as many moments as I can remember to and basically be kind to myself.  I can be pretty hard on myself from time to time and I really have to focus on being more gentle and avoiding negative self-talk as much as possible.

It helps to write.  Thank you for reading.  Comments are always welcome!

Pax

Victoria

Happy 2014!

Well, I took in the New Year watching a movie I don’t recommend by myself.  It was fine.  I spent the day with friends and family but decided to go catch a movie by myself.  I take this as progress.  I never would have been comfortable to do so up till recently.

I love to watch movies.  Today I went to see one with my daughter and do recommend it.  It is “The Secret Life of Walter Mitty”.  I won’t ruin it but will say it has helped me to understand life better.  Now, I must be careful when I have an epiphany as I used to have them all the time when I was delusional.  But my dear daughter felt the same way about the movie so I know that it was real.

I will describe the epiphany, though, if I can find the words…

Life has its ups and downs.  Others sometimes suffer much and while I cannot always help them, I can be the best person I can be, no matter what they may be.  I cannot change people but I can be the positive force in others’ lives to the degree that I am willing to be real.  So I will continue to be real. I will continue to be me.

Pax

Victoria