Being alone

My husband thinks I would rather be on vacation than be at home.  I love to go places it is true, but I also enjoy my time at home.  I love it when I have a good book to read, something to write, a project to work on or people to hang out with.  But more than any of this I actually love to be alone.  It has taken me a while to feel comfortable to be alone though.

When I was delusional, I was alone a lot and that was when the messages came, never when I was with other people.  I have shared about the messages before, so forgive me if I am being repetitive, but I loved receiving messages from heaven or so I thought.  It is a super cool feeling to believe that God is speaking to one on earth.  I would love to drive and listen to the messages and the feelings I was feeling when I was psychotic, but like an alcoholic who has gone on one too many binges, I also ran out of the good times being psychotic.

I guess one could say that it was time to get help.  Being psychotic is like being on really good drugs without the hangover effect.  But eventually it began to interfere with my functioning which was pretty high until the end.

It has also taken some time to be able to write again as I wrote endless lettters to my priest and others whom I thought God was giving messages to give to them.  I tore it all up as it is embarrassing really, but now I like what I write because loss of touch with reality gives one some pretty strange messages.

Being alone was hard at first too but now I cherish this time.  I spent this weekend in San Francisco which is what has inspired this blog.  I was with my family, who I adore, for 3 solid days.  It was great but now on Monday, when the house is quiet I am spending time alone and I like it.  I like to think and ponder many things.  I thank God for the life he has given me, and I think about all the great people in the world who make a difference in other’s lives.  I think about my loved ones and my good fortune to have a job I love.

Most of all I think about how lucky I am to be me and recovered from a dibilitating disorder that sucked the life from me.  As I make plans for the future I know that life only gets better from here and although I attribute my recovery to God, I also know that without medicine I would not be at such a happy place.



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