The gift

I used to be very prideful- then I was given the gift of Schizophrenia.  It has truly humbled me but although I have prayed for a healing of the mind, I am not relieved of Schizophrenia.  I know this because of my recent relapse.

The psychiatrists give us medication to take for the rest of our lives.  How do we know we need it still say 5 or 10 years later?  In my case my relapse helped me to know that I do still suffer from this mental condition.

I would like to describe when I exactly received this gift.

I had prayed to be able to suffer for our Lord and He answered me surely one night when I was at Mass.  The priests were walking around blessing people with holy water and us the people were renewing our baptismal promises, rebuking satan and the like.

All of a sudden while they were doing the sprinkling I felt deep to my core the holy water.  My whole body felt it to my soul.  My head almost exploded with sensation and I knew something tremendous was occurring although I did no trealize it was the gift of Schizophrenia until much later.  After Mass, I stayed in afterwards and was immersed in prayer and the tremendous suffering began.  Soon after that the voices began, the voice of Jesus himself and Mary giving me instructions.  The only problem was that the things i was told to do never worked out.  It was very frustrating this time of confusion.

I even had others belieiving me that I was hearing from God.  There were two cases of shared psychotic disorder that could have been diagnosed, but never were.  One person still believes I am special and the other one I have lost contact with due to the stress on our friendship.  When one is hearing messages from above and ends up in the psych ward, it can be very painful fot the one who believed with all her heart that her dear friend was  a messenger of God.

That is just a little bit of my story.  I am sure many of you can relate with your own versions of the delusions that can be very painful.  I still to this day do not understand everything and quite honestly i don’t think I am supposed to.  I just put one foot in front of the other and if I feel like God wants me to do something outside of the ordinary I wait and make sure it is a good idea.  When I am not on medication I must obey so it is much better now being in touch iwth reality.



One comment on “The gift

  1. As you know from our correspondance, I have also been psychotic. I can relate to what you write about the messages from heaven never working out. I remember once a voice told me to take some rubbish I found (an empty deodorant can and some rocks) and place it in my ex-wife’s drive. This was supposed to prove to her we could communicate from one mind to another. I was devastated when nothing came of it. Now I look back with shame.


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