Secrecy

So to be totally honest, I am not open with my mental disorder.  I tried that at my last job and it didn’t work out so well.  All of a sudden my decisions were questioned and I was treated differently.

At my current job I did recently disclose to a colleague that I had Schizophrnia and gave her a draft of a book I am working on.  She does not treat me any different but I am not disclosing it to my current boss.  I am a very high functioning person who has a mental disorder that is under control.  There is no need to “come out” with everyone.

I have mixed emotions about this.  I would like the world to know but it seems that the stigma is out to get me and no I am not just being paranoid.

Why am I writing this blog?  I want to give hope to others especially those who have been newly diagnosed that recovery is possibile with medication.  I take my meds every day no matter how I feel because I know that without them my mind will deteriorate and I do not want that to happen.  I will let you know when my book is ready to be published and in the mean time, I will try to write here some of what is in the book.

If you suffer from Schizophrenia I encourage you to take the poll below.

Pax

Victoria

 

Conflict

I don’t know about anyone else but conflict really stresses me out.  Like when I see someone on the road who is raging I get really upset inside and pray for them.

Or when two people are in an argument that I am not even a part of, that too gets me stressed.  I must admit that I take a low dosage of Ativan for stress and I pretty much take it every day with a cup of coffee so I dont’ get too drowsy.  I only take it on days I work or if I know I will be in a stressul situation, I hope to not need it but for now a very low dosage really helps me out.

Some other ways I destress are to take a hot bath or shower, reading, writing, talking to a friend who is supportive and unfortunately eating.  Meditation and deep breathing can also be helpful!

Pax

Victoria

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Voice of God

I was driving back from Santa Francisco one day to L.A. when I heard the voice of Jesus so clearly l can remember it like it was yesterday.

He told me 5 things.

Not all those things came true but there is still time.  I wonder to this day if it was the Schizophrenia or really Jesus.

I side with it being Schizophrenia, especially since now I have not heard it again.  At the time it was wonderful though I must admit.

It was the only time I actually heard voices, although there was much confusion around many messages I received from what I believed to be heaven.

Demanding thoughts telling me to give this person a message or to do something bizarre which I had to obey or I would melt down to the ground.

I do not miss those demanding thoughts which I now know to be thought insertion and thought control.

I had one doctor tell me once that all people with Schizophrnenia continue to have these sorts of hallucinations but the truth is that I do not and it is because of the medication.

This has been on my mind today.  I am glad for the quiet now.

Pax

Victoria

The gift

I used to be very prideful- then I was given the gift of Schizophrenia.  It has truly humbled me but although I have prayed for a healing of the mind, I am not relieved of Schizophrenia.  I know this because of my recent relapse.

The psychiatrists give us medication to take for the rest of our lives.  How do we know we need it still say 5 or 10 years later?  In my case my relapse helped me to know that I do still suffer from this mental condition.

I would like to describe when I exactly received this gift.

I had prayed to be able to suffer for our Lord and He answered me surely one night when I was at Mass.  The priests were walking around blessing people with holy water and us the people were renewing our baptismal promises, rebuking satan and the like.

All of a sudden while they were doing the sprinkling I felt deep to my core the holy water.  My whole body felt it to my soul.  My head almost exploded with sensation and I knew something tremendous was occurring although I did no trealize it was the gift of Schizophrenia until much later.  After Mass, I stayed in afterwards and was immersed in prayer and the tremendous suffering began.  Soon after that the voices began, the voice of Jesus himself and Mary giving me instructions.  The only problem was that the things i was told to do never worked out.  It was very frustrating this time of confusion.

I even had others belieiving me that I was hearing from God.  There were two cases of shared psychotic disorder that could have been diagnosed, but never were.  One person still believes I am special and the other one I have lost contact with due to the stress on our friendship.  When one is hearing messages from above and ends up in the psych ward, it can be very painful fot the one who believed with all her heart that her dear friend was  a messenger of God.

That is just a little bit of my story.  I am sure many of you can relate with your own versions of the delusions that can be very painful.  I still to this day do not understand everything and quite honestly i don’t think I am supposed to.  I just put one foot in front of the other and if I feel like God wants me to do something outside of the ordinary I wait and make sure it is a good idea.  When I am not on medication I must obey so it is much better now being in touch iwth reality.

Pax

Victoria

Life after psychosis

Recovery is possible after psychosis.  I was psychotic in and out for about one year.  I knew something was amiss when everything that happened outside of me seemed to pertain to me to a very great degree.

Then I went on medication and it all came to a screeching halt.  The visions, the hallucinations, the thought insertion.  No more.

I actually missed it, after a while, getting used to the quiet in my brain.

So what does one do when one comes back to reality?  It took some time getting used to it, and seriously I felt as if a very good friend had died.  But I reached a new normal, a normal that was without excitement and drama.  I prefer it now but that definite grieving period was very hard.

When one is receiving messages from heaven and it all stops, it is going to be hard to live life without it.

Now I am much stronger.  I do not hear voices or feel like the universe is centered around me.  And it feels good.  It feels right.

Today I was at church and I realized that truly I am not the most special person in the universe and I was happy.  That is a great burden to feel like you are more special than everybody else.  It is only recently that I have finally felt less special.  Don’t get me wrong.  I still believe that we are all special.  That we all have a greater purpose in life.  But I am not the greatest I can finally admit and it is very freeing.

I went through stages.  These stages were one step forward, one step backward and so forth.

Writing has helped.  Talking to others does not.  Nobody understands what I went through, although people can symptathize with me.

Finding new meaning in life has been the  greatest help.  I now help others  recover from mental disorders.  Not that we all are called to do that, but for me helping to bring about positive change in children’s lives has been my saving grace.  Other ways to help could be to help out at a homeless shelter or church.  I also go to AA and help out there as well.  If one is not called to helping people the local animal shelter is another avenue.  Giving back is what is important, not exactly what one does.

Pax

Victoria

Risperdal

After trying Abilify, which caused major side effects, I went off medication for a while on my doctor’s orders.  Because I was so high functioning, we had to make sure I really had a mental disorder.    Now I am not a doctor but from what I have read when one has Schizophrenia the sooner you start taking the medicine the sooner the psychosis will stop and your brain will begin to recover.  My theory is that when I started to take the Abilify the psychosis ended and the healing began ending the defiinite psychotic period of my life.  After a couple of months being off the medication, I started to really deteriorate. Not psychosis, I believe, but more delusional believing everything was connected to me (even the gas prices) and I began to be passively suicidal.

At that point I knew I needed medication.  At my reques,t my psychiatrist hospitalized me and began me on Risperdal, I forget the dosage.  The next day I felt better and the symptoms started to fade pretty quick.  But my appetite went crazy, which I had lost entirely prior to the hospitalization.  I remember eating 2 peanut butter and jelly sandwhiches and still being hungry.  Over the next 6 months my appetite did not cease and I gained 50 pounds which I kept on until recently.

Other side effects are that I have a hard time feeling emotion.  Crying is hard (before I cried all the time) and laughing is rare.  This loss of emotions has been very hard for a very emotional person.  I have been told I still have a good personality but I feel like I am not like I was before Risperdal.  I continue to be on it to this day and although I am very grateful it keeps symptoms at bay, I wouldn’t mind if I had more emotions.  I really don’t know how to conquer this side effect but I do try to laugh and cry and feel anger.  I guess it is better this way- to not be psychotic….

I have not experienced many of the other symptoms so for the most part this medication works really well.

Victoria

 

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