Let’s talk about suicide…

Many of us have been there, some of us are there now, contemplating a life ending the suffering that seems so unbearable at times…

Protective factors help, these are your reasons to live such as children or pets. Mine are strong but they do not always help me when I am at my wit’s end thinking about taking my own life.

I have a disorder (schizophrenia/schizoaffective disorder) and the odds are not in our favor concerning suicide rates. Do I let that statistic bring me down or fight?

I’m a fighting woman! I will not give up because life is a gift and we don’t know the day that gift will be taken away to move onto the spiritual world.

Depression can cause these thoughts too and situations which are temporary. I am currently depressed but being proactive about my mental health because I cannot let myself go again and go down that deep spiral of a staircase into the land of the dark and ugly, which would be to actually to take my own life.

I woke up today and went to bed last night thinking about all the wonderful things that have happened to me this week. There were a lot of highlights and I am now in the habit of making some more.

It is hard right now because we can’t do things we normally would have done. But somehow we can find a way to improve our situation and want to live again.

I have written this blog since 2013 and was diagnosed in 2008. 14 years since receiving this gift that can also be a curse. I am planning on cleaning up this site over the next few days and really trying to get in some good content again.

My life has fallen apart with the death of my brother in law but he would not want me to be somber and teary eyed all the time but I f#$%#ing miss him.

Today is a new day and my mantra once again is I won’t give up! Even better I won’t give up and I will give life my all, starting last night when I deep cleaned the kitchen. There is always something to do but I don’t always feel like doing it.

Yesterday was different. I didn’t feel like doing anything albeit there was much to be done so I played hooky. I went to my best friend’s house and we hung out and drank some wine and sang, cried, laughed and had a grand time! I cam home and because I took a 5 hour break to have some fun I was able to come home and focus on my house and paperwork.

It was easy because I did the fun thing first. Kind of like eating dessert first before the entree. The entree will still be there as will the work and drudgery so might as well enjoy ahead because truly we don’t know if we will even get to the dessert right? So dig in, enjoy what makes you happy or at least not so sad.

Peace love light and joy to all of you.

I can be reached at victoriamariealonso@yahoo.com for any questions or comments. My email has been active again and I like that. I don’t have all the answers but I have just a bit of understanding and love to share.

Pax

Victoria

I think I will never doubt again but…

life happens

people die, people suffer, people celebrate, life keeps going even after a very sad event such as my brother in law passing last week…

i am fighting depression, not exercising at all but have been getting fresh air and sunlight. Too low to put in any effort but making dinner tonight.

I get to take care of my sons new puppy four days a week so that gets me out. In lockdown mode once again because of covid.

I am stuck on a few levels currently. time will tell.

praying for all of you and me and my sister who is doing so well…

pax

Victoria

Feels as the world is awakening one by one…

Time passes slowly these days but I am not alone, no I have two deceased people who visit me from the dead in spirit. I love them and they love me and care and protect all my loved ones. I am sad tonight, melancholy if you may, being polite tonight, can’t be angry anymore, as it doesn’t suit me so I am told by Larry and Jim, my deceased loved ones.

One simply cannot argue with God and win. He gives and He takes away. And He took away last Saturday night, such a man as Jim. He is greatly missed especially by my sister as it was her husband. God bless her tonight and every night to come as the holidays are particularly hard for our loved ones who have lost someone…

I get to visit my dad this next week and it has been 8 or 9 months! I am so flipping excited! We get to hold hands through a glass with gloves on. And how I will hold him so tight. I haven’t dreamed of this in a million years!

God is good to allow me to still have my parents. and if they are gone tomorrow I will suffer a while but life will go on and i have much prepared for the time of their demise. I have my husband and children and best friend during all of this.

But i have felt the craving for death to be quite honest.

But I am not actively suicidal so happy about that.

Joy for time with my children today. Joy for celebrations of being a mom for 29 years tomorrow! Happy birthday Matthew Christian! and Gary….

pax

Victoria

In a quandary…

I’m stuck right now…

things were moved into my meditation room and it is really upsetting me, the dogs don’t know where to lay down. One finally chose the bed ha ha

In extreme grief over my brother in law. It’s not the same as a friend passing. No it is much more for me and especially my sister…this man carried the family especially since my father had his stroke and the baton had been passed down to Jimmy my brother in law who happens to be messing with me from heaven. Oh Jim! How I miss you so much already. But let me be about my business.

I unashamedly communicate with the dead. I know i know I need to see my psychiatrist sooner rather than later. I did call today to get an earlier appointment than 11/17. we shall see…

I’m not hearing voices but am very aware of Jim’s spirit filling the house with love and life and messages to all of us. Please help my daughter Jim. Or is this how it is supposed to be?

Chess games with my adult son, some talking, strategy developement discussion and the like. good yet sad times for our family right now…

My life is discombobulated if that be a word. checking, it is. a mess, so much to do and thrown off the usual path today.

My eldest son’s birthday is Saturday. Must pull it together to help make it special.

Blessings peace to all of you

pax

victoria

R.I.P. JAMES 11-7-2020

Jimmy was a magnanimous man, big guy, full of love and heart, who loved my sister with all that he was…

He was always full of antics whether it was falling in the pool from the upper rock and everyone yelling SHAMOO, egging him on, and he would mostly happily oblige and get everybody and everything all wet. and then do it again. God I loved that antic.

There were more too. Always making funny sounds with my sister’s and his funny language. They were something else how much they would dote on each other. I don’t ever remember which one of them who would dote on the other more. They took care of each other, watched out for each other. They were soulmates.

How my sister will go on without him I am not sure but she is one tough bitch if needed so hopefully she will let us all know. I hope we get closer but don’t like the way that this might come about. I didn’t want him to die. No I offered my life for his but too late me thinks. I offered more too, we shall see if God accepts my offering.

It’s funny though as I sat in vigil the past two or 3 days at my house with candles lit and incense, just praying, while my sister sat at her house next to Jimmy. Either last night or this morning I felt the knowledge that “it is over, it is over”. I checked facebook this morning and there was a post there from his daughter , a tribute to her dad. And that was how I found out but I already knew. My sis in law called shortly after and in shock all day.

Took a trip around town with my dear daughter. Brought the pup and it was good. We laughed and cried and got starbucks with a puppercinno for my dog Butter. and i sang for her a sarah bareilles song…bittersweet moments with my favorite people on earth. Told my sons. hugged one of them for five minutes…

Hoping that by getting some of these thoughts out on here I will process my grief faster. It takes me three days to get over bad news. My husband said don’t grieve too much. I said how much is too much? he said he didn’t know. so I am fighting between the tears and lack of movement. And it is a cold day plus our heater broke! ordered one on amazon but it hasn’t arrived yet.

I have found my mission I believe, we shall see how the planets align. I want to spread a message of hope for all those with schizophrenia to fight the statistic that stands against us. I don’t want to die by suicide but still at times suicide does cross my mind. I don’t want to ever put my kids through this or my husband or family so I am going to take the next month to really research ways to fight this statistic. Does anybody know how high it is for people with schizophrenia?

let the research begin…

peace, love and light and joy to all

pax

Victoria

Dedication and thoughts tonight…

Bittersweet day, celebrating and such sadness for my brother-in-law who is on the verge of passing. I don’t do well with mixed emotions.

Happy that I am proud to be an American again!

But sad at the thought that my sister will be alone and that she is ok during these last few moments of her husband’s life on this earth.

I am ok though but not doing much today or yesterday as I am holding my own vigil over here for them since I can’t be with her or talk to her right now. The end is coming quick yet it is delayed. Hospice is surprised he made it through the nights. God’s timing and nobody else’s. God is good. I shall praise him in death, birth, and all in between.

For a minute I thought I wanted to be a death doula. But I can’t I know now and that’s ok because I can pray at least. Hard to pray right now. I feel like every action, every key I stroke and every breath I take is for them and for our nation, to no longer be divided.

Shall I publish this post?

Sure why not!

I dedicate this post to my brother in law and my sister.

peace, love, joy and light to all,

pax

Victoria

Morning musing cont…

Morning, as it does, has become evening and I am quite somber tonight reflecting upon the gift of life that God has bestowed upon us all. He can take this gift away or not, it is up to Him. When He wants us home, I shall not delay but jump in His arms and finally get to see Him face to face.

It has been a long day as I sit her in the peace of the night, dog breathing softly next to me asleep in her bed and the other one, my princess, is atop the bed in my meditation room where I sleep and spend much of my day reflecting upon life and listening to the usual, Jason Mraz in his beachlife festival in the Philippines 2019. How I pray for you Philippines!

Not a usual day but got something done and fed me and the family so that’s good. Much sadness mixed with this anticipatory grief at my brother in laws impending death. Pray with me for a miracle. I do want him to remain a while longer for my sister’s sake especially. He is magnanimous and I love him. He’s a good one for sure.

I no longer welcome death, no I send out to the universe vibes of longevity for all to be in God’s will. I used to want to die but I have many protective factors that reduce my chance at suicide among people with schizophrenia. Tomorrow I will write in the am about protective factors.

pax

victoria

Writers block…

I am at an impasse- to write or not to write is the question for tonight.

My sister’s husband is dying at home surrounded by loved ones and near my sister who is his best friend and soulmate. They think the same and if they don’t he will adjust. My sister can be very controlling but I love her and feel just so terrible for her at this time.

So the dilemma I face is if I should write her a letter or not. When I was psychotic I wrote prolifically and have since destroyed it all. I haven’t written much since… did write a book that took 8 years or more really not sure but no matter, I did complete something. I have such strong emotions still that I am afraid I will betray myself. Dear God please guide.

I am just so sad today. I got to see my bro in law and got to pray with and for him. Tears were not held back today…prayed for a miracle. He said it was a good prayer, “a good one” verbatim. I wish I could do more…

pax

Victoria

Embracing my shadows…

Life is funny really, what may seem to some as the worse thing in the world, may be not what it seems but something else altogether…

It could be something awesome too and while I should focus on that as part of my f**ing new positive self talk suggestion. I find it tedious and completely unnecessary. So I will give you some of my darkness, my weirdness, my shadows.

I believe that I am the most special person to ever live.

I was told at age 8, sitting in the backseat of our family car, eyes fixated upon the bridge we were crossing and I heard very clearly, “You are special”.

And then at a much later time I was told the previous statement by Mary the Mother of God.

But I was actively psychotic so can’t really trust it but it’s there when I think of it and this is how I feel about it~

This is a huge burden or at least it used to be until this very moment. and I find myself trying to embrace this shadow, this embarrassment if it is true and the same otherwise. I can’t do it fully but I am moving in the right direction towards acceptance first and then to not hating it, and then to liking it (current position) and finally to embracing it, not there yet…

That being writ, I must confess it is pretty awesome at times when things happen outside of me confirming this to be true. God touching down at the perfect timing undeniably so. I was born on 10/16 at 10:16, my ss number ends in 7777. I have held the face of Mary in my own face, I was given the gift of schizophrenia in 2006, I earned my masters in psychology post-diagnosis in 2012. I went on disability permanent in 2015. I survived and actually thrived in 2020, but not working outside the home still and rightfully so.

When I try to work weird things happen but alas those are stories for another day.

It is time for me to go to my journal and my sacred space wherever I end up tonight in my home. I love my home. I am blessed to have a home. Was homeless once, another tale.

I like tales but must obey.

pax

Victoria

death is a mere separation between here and there…

We’ve got a lot to learn about death and once we are dead we don’t have anyway to convey the beauty of heaven back to our loved ones but I know they live on…

I have had some recent wonderful experiences with my dear friend and her deceased husband speaking through me to her on more than one occasion. The veil is thin folks between life and death. When God wants us home we shall not delay. I will not, I will run into Jesus’ arms and throw myself at His feet. And there I shall lay for a while, at peace at last.

This disorder won’t exist in heaven. I will be made whole again. We all will. And if you dont believe I will believe for you. I have faith to spare in large amounts. God is so good at guiding me in all I do.

It has not always been so though. I was a lost child just not that long ago. Chasing experiences like the wind. Hoping for time alone with God in the way I am able to reach Him now. Which is no longer unusual. NO the messages are rare if ever and the peace I have in my heart is lasting.

Now that I know I am an empath and what one is. I can deflect negative energy mentally or with the usage of my crystals. It is wonderful to be in control of my thoughts. Ridding my mind of thoughts that do not serve me or anybody to speak of for that matter.

Life is good these days with a few exceptions. Sick, near death family members and others like my parents living on the prayers of others like fumes from the fire.

Peace, love light and joy to all of you,

pax

Victoria

Mental health tips 102…

Welcome!

You can see my first post on mental health tips 101 here.

But I wanted to add to this blog so here are my best tips on how to keep your mental state in the best state.

Have fun! Make fun, do fun, be fun. Laugh a lot and then laugh till it hurts some more. Make light of the difficulties, make peace with your past. Break loose! There are so many ways!

This week I took my pup to the doggie beach with my family and it was hot and fun and great. tomorrow I am dying my hair with my daughter’s help. Tonight, I sat in the garden and called a friend. She didn’t answer but that’s ok, I still tried to reach out. The idea is to break out of any rut we may be in and even though we might have many chores every day to be sure to include some fun activities in the mix.

Sleep is not overrated. Make a schedule that works for your bodies’ needs and stick to it. I have finally mastered my sleep schedule. I go to sleep between 11:30pm and 12:30am and wake up at 8am-9am. I do some of my best thinking at night when the house is quiet and everyone else is asleep except my son. But we have some great late night chats or rather philosophical discussions. It’s great.

Finding a hobby that works for you. I have already talked so much about my favorite hobbies that I will not repeat them all but gardening is still the highest ranking. Still trying to get to learning the guitar but we shall see. There it sits by itself. so sad.

Have a mantra! Mine is I am good, I am holy, I am humbled by my missteps. I never try to hurt anyone, I do a lot of good in the world, but I mess up sometimes and am learning to love my shadows and make peace with them.

I emit to the universe what it is I desire. And sit back and watch the miracles occur. It is amazing how one person can make an imprint on their own future. Try it!

Write! Journal, blog, text, whatever medium works for you. get your thoughts out, it is cathartic!

well that is 102

blessings,

pax

Victoria

Mental health tips 101~

In the spirit of mental health day yesterday, I wish to blog about what makes me feel ok especially in these unprecedented times. I like making lists. Feel free to copy mine or share how you track the best ways to keep your mental health state sharp.

FOOD- healthy tasty food, helps the brain and body to be in sync. Helps spiritually, mentally and physically on many levels. ate healthy today and feeling better

exercise- getting regular exercise benefits the brain, especially my mental outlook on the day. Keeps me fit and often when I walk I pray my rosary…

intellectual stimulation- keeps the brain functioning at higher levels, not just speaking of teaching institutions, but of reading good books which for me means many classics but also metaphysical. Our brains need stimulation beyond facebook and instagram and video games (which are ok in moderation). Being on my phone is a challenge or not being on there rather. So much to say here but keeping the list moving.

learning about my emotions- and trusting them. Today I am hopeful for many reasons and joyful because my birthday is coming up.

connections- with loved ones, strangers, animals, plants and all of Mother Earth but most importantly with God or whatever you call the Source of all that is good.

meds- take em and don’t stop without your doctor’s supervision. I know I need mine the rest of my life but taking supplements now that greatly increase my productivity levels.

avoiding toxic people and situations- easy for me as I am mainly a homebody. I have learned how to deal with negative family members, just have them talk about themselves without any judgement. Keeps the focus off of my life and people love to talk about themselves.

Can’t think of anymore but these are my most important thoughts in terms of taking care of my mental health.

peace, love joy and light to all! Welcome all countries and peoples around the globe!

pax

Victoria

Musings of the moment…

A good day for sure…learning to navigate murky waters.

Looking for the good in all people, places and things isn’t that hard if one considers the life that God gave us and it is up to us to fulfill our mission, whatever that may be…

For me I like to help out the homeless because I was once homeless too. I remember when a kind stranger would give me some spare change, while I was living on the streets of NYC. I would always be so grateful to buy that slice of pizza. My meal for the day if I was lucky.

Still not sure if I was pre-schizophrenia at that time or not. I was 18 at the time but I engaged in many dangerous behaviours from 13 to 20. Then got married to the most wonderful man, had three kids and home-schooled them but then developed schizophrenia at age 36, which was in 2006.

I have tried working but it never works out so I am on permanent disability since 2015. I also earned my masters in psychology and bachelors in sociology circa 2010 post diagnosis.

Life these days consists of lots of at home time. Connections are the most important thing to me, with my family and friends and strangers, with my pups and all animals and nature….

I don’t read much but enjoy a good show and love working with crystals. Life is too short for regrets and today I have no regrets. Missteps I like to call them but embracing these shadows and trying to live the life God intended.

I don’t hear from God anymore, which the silence is welcome but do still wonder how life would have been different if this or that…

Trying to spread positivity at every level from self love to patience with myself first and then others. Embracing who I am because I am the only “ME”.

peace love and joy and now light to all

pax

Victoria

This is me…

I am enough, more than enough; I do not need to dwell on my past experiences to solve them. Sorry AA but inventorying life just doesn’t serve me anymore.

I use crystals’ energy now, garden, cook, clean, tidy (there is a difference), connect with family, friends and strangers who you never know who will become a good friend. I also take my meds and supplements every single bingle day.

This is me…

I don’t feel I need therapy anymore except my free grief one working through anticipatory grief around my dad’s declining health. But he turns 83 next month! I love him so much and dedicate this blog to his health, physical, mental and spiritual.

I love my mom too and am so glad I still have her in my life although she still drives me crazy at times haha. Will really miss them both when they are gone. sad face:(

I try to use my time wisely so will keep this brief.

I have a mental health disorder and am doing pretty damn good. I am enough. I embrace my shadows and am no longer afraid for what the future may hold…

This year has changed so much.

My heart is heavy tonight.

This is me…

it comes and goes this heaviness

for the world.

pax

Victoria

Psychotic episode from 2007…

Things were intensifying. Many messages and late nights feeling the heavy presence of God. No drugs, no alcohol, but some stress of my grandma’s passing may have induced schizophrenia/schizoaffective disorder. Dx’ed in 2008.

Things other people take for granted became next to impossible like going to the store. Visits from God at these times or my disorder in full psychotic state, not sure really but it was pretty cool except for the time when~

I was walking down the spice packet aisle at my local grocery store and suddenly the command came to buy one of each. I ignored it at first but suddenly I found myself melting to the store if I did not do this weird thing. I hate to ever cause a scene so after several attempts to ignore what I thought to be God testing my obedience, I did it. I felt the paralyzing of my limbs when I tried to ignore the strong inner command.

$200 later I was leaving the store with bags of spice packets half of which I gave to a friend who I believed had shared psychotic disorder. Paralyzing, commands and testing are not of God I believe. I know now it was this dastard bleeping disorder. And luckily enough, do not have psychotic experiences since started taking goterpy cbd oil full spectrum the past few years.

I voluntarily entered UCLA in January of 2008 and the minute I started taking anti-psychotics meds the symptoms began to cease. The messages stopped mostly. God does break through at times in important things such as certain friendships and others I get the green light.

I must now release these terrible memories and do some cord cutting with my quartz crystal tonight, when the house is quiet…

Wishing you all recovery, peace and love

pax

Victoria

Empty space~and a question for my readers

Empty space in my aura today

freed myself of negative thought patterns

using a crystal

Don’t know what to replace it with

more mantras

historical information

the possibilities are endless

feeling good this Sunday but a little bit lost without my negative thoughts script that I have been playing in my mind for years. I never meant to harm anyone, especially myself. I have been hurting myself by holding on to them and didn’t know how to release them. Much to be learned still but crystal magick had its day today in my home.

Wondering if anyone is interested in reading about my psychotic moments? Thinking about blogging about them so probably will anyway but I love my reader’s feedback so let me know in the comments, or like this post or send me an email if this is something that interests you at victoriamariealonso@yahoo.com

These strange experiences are a part of me and sharing them will help to dissipate their power. I was out of control in a very controlled way. From buying one of every spice packet at the store to believing that the wind was because God was angry at my priest.

Blessing to all

pax

Victoria

Learned mirth…

I have not always been a person full of mirth, but have read that it helps with mental state and go me always trying to improve my mental state.

Having a mental disorder can be challenging and the last few days I have been really trying hard to keep it together. But ever since covid hit, I have done so well despite the constant changes in all our lives and the many difficulties brought about by many factors many we are well aware of. Some of my own internal struggles have been surfacing.

I don’t have a therapist right now, but do have people to talk to. Tried a few but having a master’s in psychology makes me very picky and being an empath makes it hard too to find someone who can help me.

What does this have to do with mirthfulness? Well, I have decided to make it a part of my day to find the lightness in everything, through making jokes or just doing creative fun things that bring others joy.

Right now I was messing with my husband and it was great. Just one example of making a hard situation easier by making light of it. It really does help. I watch Jimmy Fallon often and love his jokes and demeanor while telling them. I listen to concerts when the singer talks about positivity about their music and life and my unconcious is having fun processing these listenings and making them a part of who I am.

Don’t take life so seriously I have heard many times in my life and finally I’m not, by choice.

I am sick of my duties lately though, oh I wish I could joke about that. My husband gets to go camping and I don’t go anywhere far or for a few days so we have plans to fix the pop up trailer and go camping before winter. This makes me happy but I want to go somewhere now. Still impatient, yep that’s me.

Must share this as it cracks me up to think about it but the other night I totally scared my adult daughter. She was mad at first and it wasn’t entirely intentional but gave us a good laugh.

What makes you laugh?

pax

Victoria

Events can be powerful…

My time in NY was filled with various emotions. And today being 9/11 it is fitting that I have been writing about my time of homelessness in NYC. I often do that, write about something that I don’t connect until later. Such a sad day.

My time in NYC taught me a lot; not to take for granted that God has my back, not putting myself in dangerous positions anymore and to forgive myself for the things I did when I was pretty much insane.

My mom thinks that I had schizophrenia all my life or at least since 8th grade but I am not so sure about that really. I rebelled and ran away first to AZ and then to NYC. I was an atheist and did not want to live one more minute with my controlling parents. I was ready to see the world.

In fact I did, I visited Rhode Island and Philadelphia, New Jersey and much of New York. It was fun seeing these new places but I have no desire to return, even though I do in my dreams.

I was hoping for a release of something by writing about it and it did help.

I must fight negative thoughts about the time in my life when I didn’t give a flying fuck about anything. I must forgive and try to forget to make room for positive experiences even though not traveling at all right now.

It may have been prodomal symptoms at age 13-20 but who can say for sure. Once I started having children, I gave up my crazy life for the most part and really settled down. But then after getting really religious, I was given the gift of schizophrenia at age 36, so that is a long time in between to wait for the schizophrenia to arrive I think at least.

When did your symptoms begin? OR is it hard to narrow down like mine. Hoping for some feedback.

Feel free to email me at: victoriamariealonso@yahoo.com with any comments on this or any topic,

As usual

pax

Victoria

My homelessness on the streets of New York story…

I don’t know when my prodromal symptoms started but I was a crazy teenager to say the least. I was a punk rocker on drugs and at the age of 18 I decided to fly to New York and try my hand at theater…

I was born and raised in California and knew nobody there but my high school drama teacher convinced me I was a natural for stage theater, so ran with that. I went on one audition and forgot my singing lines because I was stoned ha ha! Didn’t get the part.

I had 800 dollars from a car accident so went with that and hope to get “discovered”. But the thralls of the punk rock scene, drugs, sex and anything outrageous appealed to me so off I went with a one way ticket to La Guardia airport.

This is not fiction. I arrived at night and ended up staying at the apartment of the cab driver who was very nice but wanted more for him allowing me to spend the night so I was out of there. I did not believe in God but looking back I see how much God protected me during this very insane time of my life.

I found a cheap hotel, Hotel 17, in lower side east Manhattan. And from there I set up camp. I panhandled for money and did what I had to do to survive but ended up on the streets in a squat (an abandoned condemned apartment building) with fellow punk rockers. We were a tribe and did everything together, well mostly.

We had fun getting high and living off the kindness of others, whether it was to take a shower or to receive a meal. We panhandled for drugs or a slice of pizza and I used a Swedish accent to feign the need for help which was real. I looked for a few jobs and would rotate between the cheesey hotel and the squat.

But then tragedy struck…

part two tomorrow

pax

Victoria

Releasing negativity slowly…

So many mistakes or missteps I like to call them…

I would never intend to hurt anyone; but yet this part of my body, my mouth, says things sometimes that just are not helpful. I am not perfect, and trying not to be anymore. Letting things go is what I need to do.

But my OCD along with my schizophrenia/schizoaffective disorder prevents this at times. But I am learning as I go.

The problem is that I joke around a lot and sometimes the truth in the joke is just not a good vibe…

But I believe in the power of the mind even though mine may have a disorder. I choose to release these thoughts when they arise and just repeat the mantra, I am good, I am holy, i am humbled. And then think about something good and positive

I surround myself with positive energy. My son is a huge positive force in this house and is spreading his positivity getting paid to play video games on twitch. I observe at times with his permission and i am just so pleased with how he interacts with others and always tries his hardest to answer all the comments. He is an inspiration to me and the many who pay to watch him play.

I don’t need money yet today find myself in murky waters due to switching banks. new bank has a hold on all checks. Today is a holiday, so no one I can call. Life can still be challenging for sure but doing much better these days than ever.

So much helps me!

I am finally free from religion and loving my new blog http://www.allformycreator.com peace love and joy. It charts my spiritual progress or interests as I navigate through new ideas mainly alchemy, the physical, spiritual and mental aspects of life. Felt like this blog needs to focus more on the disorder where my other one is all about God and connecting with Him though nature, animals, people and the mundane.

Check it out if you are so inclined.

Back to topic.

RELEASING NEGATIVITY AS YOU READ THIS

there is so much negativity in having a mental health or brain health disorder. so much misinformation and stigma. it sucks really but must rise above. The fact that I can’t work a real job does not mean that others cannot. I work hard around my house and gardens and manage some personal real estate.

Its mainly fun for the most part but days like today that are hot leave me feeling drained and bored. Nothing is fun! But life is not supposed to be about being fun all the time. That would be boring really. Imagine living at Disneyland 24/7 that would get old and would lose its magic.

So I am taking this time today to do some reflection on my routine. With covid so much has changed, so must roll with the changes. I’m a work in progress and it just keeps getting better. As long as I can stay out of the hospital and function well I will be content.

As to the negativity I fight, well that was learned from my mom. I must unlearn it and fight this pattern that has held and served its purpose for long enough.

Positive thoughts, vibes, prayers and peace to you all!

Pax

Victoria

can’t fight with God and win…

I want nonmaterial things. And God doesn’t give them to me.

I want grandchildren now. Still waiting…

I want to work, not in the cards for me and I already am working just not getting a paycheck… I give up on this one God at last. My disorder is not conducive to working outside my home except for volunteer work.

I want Inner Peace. I have it at times but it comes and goes like the wind. Hate noise, except for music, disturbs my soul.

I want to not worry about things like money, but right now am taken care of so should not worry about tomorrow right?

I want to lose weight. Have lost 35 pounds in a year. Pretty good me thinks. Got 30 to go and doing it. Love love love working out with my daughter in our homemade gym out of an old shed.

I want crystals. All kinds big and small. I guess that’s material though but hey gotta learn more about the different ones and I have a birthday coming up. My family would think I was weird if I didn’t ask for something other than inner peace. that was a joke.

i’m tired so ending this rant.

I love you God. Thank you ahead for all you have already given me and for all that is to come. I pray for good times for me and for all my readers and their families.

pax

Victoria

Dream big they say but impossible for me due to my disorder…

I am not cured by any means but have been thinking a lot about the fact that I am doing really well right now but my condition is fragile and I had to set some boundaries this week, which was really hard to do.

Dreams for the future are bleak at times. I met with a financial advisor yesterday and am thinking about my life in the next twenty years. I cannot think I will be content doing what I am doing now. I feel the need to work and make my own money again but have no idea what I would like to do.

I don’t need to work but find it enjoyable just saying “I have to go to work”. The perfect job for me would be being a teacher again so going to look into online courses I can teach. I really enjoyed my last job teaching sociology at the community college level. I did a great job until stress took me out.

I know I will be fighting with God as the delusion remains that I shouldn’t even be thinking about working. My husband makes bank but having something to call my own is really calling to me right now.

I am on permanent disability since 2015 but did work in 2018. I can still work and earn my disability. I beg with God to allow this. I have the energy and putting my attention on students again feels right. Going to do some research and check into it.

I mean there has to be a great need for teachers right now right? I’m thinking sociology again as I love that subject matter. I earned my bachelors in sociology in 2010 and my Master’s in psychology in 2012 post diagnosis schizophrenia/schizoaffective disorder and being a student is easy to me but working is a different story.

I have been doing this thing lately though where I write out what I want and then it comes true. I have written down furniture, and stuff for my garden so I am writing now that I want a job.

I am following the recent meme that I saw on my empath group that said to make an imprint on the universe rather than letting it make an imprint on you. So instead of just waiting around for things to happen to me and you, making a conscious choice for things to be different.

I like that!

Finding my balance in life ain’t easy but now that I have so much more focus thanks to supplements I now take, feeling brave and fearless for the moment ha ha. That’s me, never a dull moment.

pax

Victoria

Spreading the message of positivity…

Hope for this city, state, country and world.

In a world full of negativity how does one stay so positive? It’s not easy at times, and having a diagnosis of Schizophrenia/Schizoaffective Disorder and being on permanent disability leaves me with a whole lot of free time to do whatever the I please.

I find my days interesting to say the least; mental health is good for this season of pandemic and political discussions, trying to find the good in all despite the many people who aren’t. It’s that simple for me.

I hate drama. My husband and daughter thrive on other peoples and I avoid it at all costs because I am an empath.

I do not know when I first had prodromal symptoms of Schizophrenia. Looking back I made a lot of decisions that were questionable.

But I have always been headstrong and demanding of myself to be in the best shape, physically, mentally and spiritually. I try not to preach with words but it is hard on here, so I must say that since starting out with strength training for a month, four days a week, I am very happy with the mental results and feel my body getting stronger every day, even on rest days like today.

I have learned to make the most of what I have, even if it isn’t much. And I see potential in every life upon the earth.

Am I strange to have such hope? I believe I am. I am not naive. I see the corruption. But I will vote and do my part.

Positivity surrounds me all day, music, people, dogs and cats, plants and all of nature that of which God created for us to enjoy not to abuse. So every time I water or take care of my pups, I feel blessed to be able to take care of them.

I want to have it all and won’t settle for less.

I am not my diagnosis. I am much much more. I can think clearly now that I am no longer psychotic and life is good because I choose to say that.

I make my imprint on this universe rather than allow it to make an imprint on me. I put out there all that I wish to come to pass. And today I decided I wanted to spread a message of hope. I hope I have succeeded. Hard days still come, but it is rare now rather than the rule.

hope this blog finds you all well

Peace, love and joy to all!

pax

Victoria

Overcoming social anxiety…

Ever since the pandemic hit I have barely gone out for fear of my daughter who is immune compromised. I have used all the service platforms and curbside whenever possible. I still do curbside but have now started going to the store.

At first when I tried I had severe anxiety attacks and a really bad day. Then I learned to go to the store at off times and it is actually feeling good to be out and everyone almost is wearing a mask and social distancing.

Today I did a lot of errands in the morning, got a burrito which I ate quickly and then fell asleep. I missed my therapy appointment because my phone was charging and I didn’t plan to nap so long. But it’s been super hot here too in Santa Maria, Ca and feeling lethargic during the hottest times of the days. Our weather is usually 70’s so we are melting at 89 degrees.

So I finally woke up and actually was relieved I didn’t have to talk about my anticipatory grief with my dear dad. I think I will go to once a month from here on out. It brings me down more than lifts me up but it is helpful to process occasionally what I am going through. I know he will die but he just keeps going which I love but it’s hard and takes a toll.

He is my lifeline right now in many ways…that’s all I will say about that.

I did try a new therapist who was Gestalt. I don’t recommend this type of therapy for people with schizophrenia. I heavily disliked it and canceled my following appointment.

I’m pretty good most days. Still getting fit and losing this dastard weight I gained on Risperdal. Down 35 pounds since Sept 2019.

Hope and pray you are all well.

Drop me a line anytime at: victoriamariealonso@yahoo.com

pax

Victoria

Navigating murky waters…

Good evening all! or good morning or afternoon!

We are 93 million miles from the sun! Wow! Just in case one didn’t know.

I tried to do something diet wise without checking with my pdoc. It wasn’t wise. I tried to do a fruit and veggie cleanse but by today the second day I found myself not doing well with my psych meds on just those. So I stopped…

I do not consider this a failure except that I should have checked with him. But there was all this encouragement so I did and it was fun for one day. Lesson learned. I am learning to love me even when I mess up.

My theme for August is patience which is a virtue I am getting better at but have a long way to go. I realized tonight that I need to practice it with myself first…

I have a mental health disorder that needs to be babied at times. That is the truth. I say weird things sometimes and am totally uncomfortable in many social settings but do better one on one. I am learning things about myself just when I thought I was done learning.

I am starting to study again. Right now current studies are alchemy, empath energy and anything fitness. The home gym is coming along nicely and have used it for a week and a day! When I have a gym membership I have great intentions when I sign up but never end up using it. Now I have a free gym in my backyard my kids put together in an old shed and I love being out there especially when it is sunny.

Also been gardening quite a bit which is huge progress thanks to my supplements. Got my son to start taking it as he suffers from lack of motivation and can’t see I notice a difference. I felt it right away I think. Poor memory still at times…meds side effects stink.

Lastly, wanted to touch on a topic Fractured Faith recently blogged about. Recovery from anything really and in my case is recovery from Schizophrenia/Schizoaffective disorder. To recover means to return to normal. This is impossible to me, please share in the comments if you feel differently. I love to hear others stories! I will never be the same as I was before I received the gift of Schizophrenia in 2006 at age 36. 50 now and doing the best minus today than ever.

Thank you for reading.

Be with God,

pax

Victoria

Negative symptoms solutions…

Dear readers,

Welcome to my blog (first published in 2013) which journals my road to almost complete recovery from schizophrenia since diagnosed in 2008. For my brief bio click here.

This month I want to talk about what is least understood by many, the negative symptoms of Schizophrenia, which can cause poor quality of life in many. Loss of motivation, previous things that gave pleasure don’t please, lack of focus and attention to detail and there’s more but these are the main ones that have affected me. For a great article on negative symptoms click here.

Since my bio was written though I have had another breakthrough with new supplements I have been taking for over 6 months and have seen amazing results! See my story below especially if you suffer from low motivation, energy and focus. For proof of how far I have come taking it check out my May series 2020!

Now to my new transformation story~

I have suffered from lack of motivation, energy and the ability to do more than just sit in my chair and do nothing ever since I stopped working in 2015 due to stress which has caused me to relapse before. 3 hospitalizations since 2006 isn’t too bad I think anyway.

Don’t have positive symptoms like delusions or voices anymore and I know that is because of my psych meds which I take along with supplements now and together they help me to be recovered as much as one can be from schizophrenia.

I was barely able to get the basics done. I have always found comfort in having a tidy and clean house; but my daughter used to clean the house for me up till recently. I just didn’t do it or if I did it was quick and without attention to detail. 

And the gardens, I would get them going for a while then let it go due to lack of energy and motivation.  Life sucked. 

I felt really bad about not getting anything done all day especially since I don’t work anymore due to my disability and how my husband would complain.  I would rotate from being on my phone in my meditation room, to the kitchen table where I sit now on my laptop and if I blogged I felt like I had had a productive day.  Gardens lay in disarray and I accepted the fact I thought that I would never do more than this the rest of my life…

Well, now the good part!  I started a new supplement regimen last year, adding Vitamin B-12 sublingual for energy ($4 at walmart), which my daughter now takes too and we both have noticed our energy levels increased since starting it. 

I also take Goterpy CBD oil full spectrum, which has helped with the delusions and stress.  It has also helped me to quit one of my vices… 

And then in Feb of this year 2020, I started taking and now selling Shaklee Mental Acuity Plus for memory and focus and motivation.  It started helping me right away be in charge of my life once again. 

If you are interested in taking this product consider buying it from me. I will help you out personally and I’m thinking about starting a facebook group for new users to journal about their transformation too, specifically persons with schizophrenia. Anyway email me at victoriamariealonso@yahoo.com and I will send you the link to my website and to the product that I am so wishing I had taken sooner.

To read more about how it has affected me during this pandemic continue below if you’re still with me.

Then the pandemic hit whoa!!! And I was forced to be at home all day and thanks to my regimen I found myself thriving at last despite the world’s current chaos.  My house is cleaner and tidier than ever, my gardens are expanding nicely and my focus, memory and attention to detail are sharper each day. I do take a good lay down nap every day and rest on Sundays.

I am content at last although the work never ends in the garden or home because it is like life- it never stops changing, shifting, growing, dying, giving beauty and food for the family!  I still sit in my chair but only in the mornings and evenings now.  I pay more attention to detail of inner work (spiritual) and external (house and gardens, bills etc.…).  I cook dinner mostly every night where before it was occasional and I do the dishes before bed every night.  Life is good so I have to share.

I believe the combination of these three supplements are what are contributing to my well-being.  I don’t blog as much anymore because I am too busy with all my projects to sit and write.  I do keep a journal though so I am still writing, just not for the world as much anymore.

A portion of all my profits will be donated to my favorite non-profit CureSZ.  And I will gladly support you along the way via email or phone! I want to really help others feel as great as I do.

Email me with any comments or questions you may have about any of these products at: victoriamariealonso@yahoo.com

Peace to all!

Pax

Victoria

Send you my love…

Another Jason Mraz song lyric stuck in my head.

But I do send you all my love! Whatever your diagnosis, past, color etc…

We are all children of God! Every life is precious to God and me…

Welcome to my blog which dates back to 2013. Diagnosed in 2008 with Schizophrenia and later fine tuned to Schizoaffective Disorder same year. Earned my Bachelors in Sociology in 2010 and Masters in Psychology 2012. Worked in the mental health field for four years until stress took me out and I have been on permament disability since 2015.

I wrote a May 2020 series on coping skills unlimited which is my greatest work to date as it has all come true.

I used to sit all day since going on disability. All day. But being self quarantined has caused me to do all the wonderful things I have dreamed of doing now that i have the time and energy. And then writing about it in May 2020 has helped exponentially.

I have had to take a break from blogging for a bit. May kind of wiped me out but feeling satisfied with what I got done. With all that has been going on in the world and my heart, I have been more pensive than usual…

Mental health or brain health as I prefer to call it a brain disorder, does not go away when things happen. It can exacerbate it or if one is in touch with triggers and patterns in our lives, we can battle it and win. And on the days that I think it is winning, I can look at my day and say to myself, “you did your best with what you had for the day”.

My energy level has gone back down this week despite my many protests. I need to be ok not doing much too! The reward system worked well today and I actually had energy to blog. My thoughts are all over tonight…

Julia~my dearest friend who lost her husband over a month ago. Been holding a lot of space for her since he passed. Thank you if you have any prayers for her as she is in need of a miracle. I got to hang out at her house the other night and after supper we planted some plants. It was a warm evening and it was a perfect night. I don’t believe in coincidences and I know God wanted me to be with her that night because my old Mercedes broke down right as I turned down her road. made it to her house on a hill and there I stayed all evening. I drove my car all day with no problems but being stranded there was so perfect!

Covid is still greatly affecting me. Been staying at home because of my high risk daughter, which really agrees with me (the staying at home). When I do go out depending on which essential trip I have to make I am often anxious and scared of people not wearing masks. So much has changed in my life because of Covid. Not ready to write about it at least not tonight.

Protests- wish my son could go. he wants to but is honoring his sister’s health and her being high risk. This movement, oh how I pray it changes lives. It already has but we need more so that George Floyd and many black people did not die in vain…

Been using my coping skills as I can but with low energy hard to do my faves, yoga, gardening and tidying, but been keeping up with the dishes (my nemesis) and the house and watering. Plus self care, pet care, bills, medical help (have 5 current afflictions), and journaling about my dad and reading more of Dave Markowitz’s books that have changed my life along with spiritual reading. Actually took a spiritual retreat Sunday all day which included Mass on line, full rosary and rest.

So I guess I am good…hope you all are too:)

pax

Victoria

p.s. tomorrow more on June 2020 caregivers month and will hopefully have my daughter as a guest blogger about her experience on how she has navigated as my main caregiver since age 14! So glad I don’t try to work anymore and that i am doing so well…

May 2020 Series~

Welcome to this series, which may be the first of many. I am doing extremely well during this pandemic; been working on my mental, physical and spiritual health to a great degree. I wanted to share with all of you how my life has changed during these most difficult times. I look forward to each day and although I am mainly very focused, I still have my moments of difficulty but am symptom free.

Prior to this pandemic, I would just sit for hours all day long and maybe get the dishes done. But now, sitting isn’t what I want to do anymore. Ironically, writing about all these topics of what has benefited me, has been beneficial.

Here are the topics so far for the May series. Feel free to click on the link to go to the page. Any comments are welcome!

The topic for the June 2020 series is Caregivers! It’s my daughters birthday month and I think this theme is fitting because she has been my main caregiver since I was diagnosed in 2008. Although I don’t need her support anymore like I once did, her care for me was priceless. If anyone is a caregiver and would like a certain topic discussed, I would be happy to oblige as I am able. As usual I can be reached at my private email: victoriamariealonso@yahoo.com

Peace to all of you

pax

Victoria

The one lost sheep I am trying to help…

Dear readers,

Not sure who is getting my blog posts but wanted to make sure this one got out to all for prayer….If this is a double email for you, my apologies….

It has been a rough week for sure and I am pulling out my bag of tricks to feel better.  I know what works and what doesn’t and am seeing a new therapist now which is very helpful.  I am certainly doing well in my recovery because I have got through a couple of very hard things without relapsing on many levels.

My dad (who is in extended care due to a major stroke and is paralyzed on his left side) got very sick and we thought it was pneumonia, which if it was we were not going to treat due to his mental decline, but it was just a bad cough and he made it through.  Even though he is not always cognitively present it still provides comfort that he is alive; everyone at extended care loves him and he still makes sense the first five minutes and I will take that and hope he is still alive for many years despite the cost of 15,000 dollars a month to keep him in an excellent facility.

Then the past week my mom got gravely ill and we thought she was going to die.  I cancelled my class that I love to teach because I was a basket case and witnessed a miracle of her getting better after asking many people to pray for her recovery.  The thought of losing both my mom and dad the same month has been very rough but I taught my sociology class today even though it was hard to focus and I have been relaxing a lot, watching netflix (fave show right now is heartland) and eating some healthy and some not so healthy foods to cope with the stress.

Yet, despite all that I am going through tonight I am focused on this one little lost sheep (student) who is trying very hard but is failing my class.  The rest of my students are passing with high grades for the most part but she is not.  So tonight I referred her to an early alert program which I should have done sooner but better late than never.  I won’t give up on her!  So if you can pray for her to get the help she needs I would greatly appreciate it.

I feel like I know personally what the bible talks about going after the one sheep that has gone astray, leaving the rest of the herd to help the one that is lost in my class!  I don’t see it as a failure on my part because she is the only one who is struggling but I have to do all I can and pray, pray and pray.

Life is good right now!  I have both my parent for the moment, my three kids are doing well and my marriage is strong.  My husband, who does not begin to understand my diagnosis, has really been compassionate in his way and I have expressed my thanks to him.  I love my job teaching sociology 101 and love to challenge my students in new and interesting ways.  I hope they will ask me to teach again in the Spring 2019 but we shall see.  Any way around it, it has been a great experience and very rewarding.  I don’t make much money but love teaching!

My birthday is next week and I have many plans, Morro Bay with my dear daughter, Chinese buffet with family, pizza and movie night and horseback riding on the beach.  I feel spoiled! 49 years young!

I am still taking the CBD oil from GOTERPY which has greatly reduced my schizoaffective disorder symptoms.  I am no longer delusional which is great to know that I am not the greatest person to ever live lol.  Sounds silly but until I started taking the full spectrum CBD oil, I still partially believed it but now I know I am not and it is a great relief!

Hope everyone has a good Friday and thank you for your prayers and positive thoughts for my lost sheep, that she may return with a decent grade and pass my class.

Pax

Victoria

Positivity abounding despite much sadness…

Sometimes one has to get an aerial view of our lives. I choose to be positive in my thinking and actions because it is the only way that brings me peace and serenity.

I look up quite often for inspiration. Without this opportunity to connect with the Source of all that is good I am lost. Karl Marx once wrote that religion is the opiate of the people. Well I will take this drug because without this hope I want to jump and scream what is the meaning of life if not the realization of the gospels and the supreme importance of having a personal relationship with Jesus Christ.

Enough preaching let my words inspire you and me to greater heights. May we all look to the Universe, the magick, the wonderful possibilities each day to make life better for me and others I encounter along my days. Being kind always is important to me. But I fail. Oh well, I will fail and rise up again until God decides it is time for me to be with Him.

I won’t give up no. I am passively suicidal but choose life, choose right, choose good and hope for the day when death isn’t as attractive in this sense.

What I really want to say is that our choices today reflect our tomorrow. If we’re not happy with the current results, change the means to where you are going. Don’t just sit there like I do often in paralyzed fear to do anything for fear of failure and do nothing to improve our state. Keep pushing.

Take care of your soul first and all else will follow. Take care of mental and physical next. eat right, get help from a professional and take your meds. exercise is huge for me too! Although many days I am not motivated to do my workout or yoga but always almost get my walking in.

positivity is contagious so spread it everywhere you go!

I have the minor goal of becoming a master empath! I’m being sarcastic. This is not minor but instead a huge endeavour. It is being able to navigate this life unaffected by all the chaos. I know people like this but they are hard to find because darn it we are all human.

I am writing this today but have so many problems but I choose to reframe it and say I have many opportunities to fix things which actually can be fun.

Here’s my a bit of my list just so you know I am not speaking out of my …

brother in law passed two weeks ago, much sadness for my sister and the loss of a super person in our family, hard to know what to say to my sister as she is not very spiritual.

Finances are a mess, I really shouldn’t be in charge of them at all, sad face, a problem I have tried to fix my whole life! Just two examples of some of the chaos in my life, there’s more but I’m feeling sad just typing it so will stop here and…pray hope and not worry:)

wishing you all peace, love, light and joy

pax

Victoria

Embracing my shadows…

For those of you who are new to shadow work allow me a brief intro. Basically it is learning about yourself, all parts, the good, bad and ugly and learning to work through them.

The ultimate goal is to embrace them.

I shall provide an example in my life.

I have an addictive personality. I have grown up my whole life hating this part of me. So in my shadow work I am learning to embrace this facet of my very being and in doing so have begun to become addicted to other positive things in order to let go of some unhealthy habits. I am back on the wagon with alcohol. None for me, instead I work out and activating those endorphins has made it easy. This is but one example.

Some things we can change but slowly over time I hope to become more aware of my own shadows so I can begin to know who I really am.

The last 6 months I have done a lot of internal work on my childhood and growing up with super strict parents. Feels great to be able to say that they did the best they could and I turned out ok some days, unmotivated others and some days like yesterday are pretty awesome.

Life to me is like a chess game. More on that later. I have a new obsession with the game chess. I play often late at night with my adult son. Very fun and great for the brain…

pax

Victoria

I am calm within the storm of my schizophrenia…

The world is wrong, I am right, I know everything and how it should be. I do not doubt anymore., no I am a libra, well-balanced and eager to please.

Yes, I am delusional today but that’s ok because maybe tomorrow will be different. I am under a tremendous amount of stresss right now causing these delusions.

Happy to report I am not driving. Yes I have had some wine. But the truth must be told. I am not ok most of the day. I a unhinged, unable to do the simple things required of me. But somehow I get them done. Not with ease though.

Too much to do today.

I speak to and for the dead. Does that freak anybody out? It’s a gift I believe in and others believe as well. I channel for my friend not my sister. Will be speaking to her dead husband later tonight about things. Thanksgiving will be fucking hard. That was their day to entertain. To give thanks to God almighty for all He has done. I give thanks too. But tonight i will live in my delusions and do the next thing whatever that may be.

pax

Victoria

Who I am…

I am a daughter, wife, mother, friend and hopefully a good person. I do not hurt others on purpose. Never have, never will. I am the type of person to put others needs ahead of mine.

This is just how I am. But no more these days. My needs have to be taken care of in order for me be able to give back.

Life is great but then it isn’t…

the is the life of one with this dastard disorder schizophrenia/schizoaffective disorder. One minute I am fine because all my needs are met but then the anxiety or messages come although as of late it has been quiet from heaven and I like that.

Tons of paperwork to get through before the holidays! Just saying I have to get my ass in gear and get er done.

Push, push, relax, this is my M.O. So much to do but going to chill now and just relax and take it all in.

Everything is up in the air these days. Not sure on Thanksgiving this year, cars are all broken except the truck. I am stuck at home with my husband who is off the next week. Which is great but hard too with him observing my habits lol.

Anyway praying for all of you

pax

Victoria

The facade continues…

I put on a brave face, do what needs to get done minimally but I am suffering so much right now with the loss of my brother in law. I am not numb, no I feel the sadness and wish I could be joyful and fun for my sister but alas I am not that kind of person. I have a glass of wine with my meals but other than that don’t really party much.

Grief is tough. one moment I am fine and the next i am in the pits of despair. Losing a loved one right before the holidays is extra hard. I think of all the people who died of covid this year. May their souls rest in peace and their families be comforted. There are many…

I have lost two significant people this year and it sucks. I miss them both like crazy and wish they were still here. But they are gone so must make the most of my time without them.

Here is to better days of laughing again, maybe tomorrow…

pax

Victoria

Am I the only life I can save?

Or am I responsible not out of duty but rather a pure love for others and firstly God almighty for all to be saved?

I believe in Jesus and many do but not all. I do not believe that a benevolent kind God would ever cast anyone into hell.

I do pray for the whole world though just in case starting with my loved ones and all.

I do believe in an after life. am i the only one. this comforts me in times like these.

and then their is the communication with the deceased spirits of my dearest friend and my brother in law…another post for later…

amen

pax

Victoria

The world as I see it…

It, the world needs a lot of help. We can choose to give or take or just stay the same it is up to us. Today I gave in big and little ways. Most people are kind i have found and am happy that my family is so close and giving…

but this is not always the case. jealousy and strife run amidst many families but mine is not one. we are all rallying around my sister who lost her husband one week ago . my heart goes out to her and i think I may be doing worse than her because of my health disorder.

My daughter has been very sick these last 3 days showing improvement today. I take care of her when she is sick but have the night off because she is with her promising boyfriend. He will make sure she takes it easy so I am not worried but it has been some week for sure.

I don’t do well with change but losing my brother in law is so huge for our family. He was here one day and then gone. Life is short so be sure to tell everyone you love them often. Make it weird.

I am glad to be alive today even in these times of stress and much uncertainty. I love music and my vices help me. Back at it sad to report. oh well at least I know that abstinence is possible. but today is not the day to give up things that bring me much comfort.

Life….

God is good…

pax

Victoria