A poem about waiting…


Time seems to move so slow when I am waiting

but alas it always comes eventually

well not always

the delusions come and go too

one minute I believe them to their very core

and again I believe that I am very special to a very great degree

the next I am disproven and relieved of the burden they bring

but I wait with joy

and each new day brings more peace as I trust in God Almighty, who made heaven and earth



Update after hearing

It has been since August 2015, 2 years ago, that I have been waiting for my hearing.  And Monday it finally happened and lasted fifteen minutes!

And now I have to wait two more months for the verdict.  Lord help me!

My lawyer says it went well.  To me it is all a big blur.  I felt like the judge wasn’t even listening to me about why I can’t work because she kept looking down and then would immediately ask the next question.  I understand my lawyer’s line of questioning which essentially were to prove I  couldn’t work at any of the jobs they mentioned, but I felt like there could have been more said, just saying.

So all in all it went well but I will have to try very hard not to think about the fact that I may have to go to appeal…

God’s will be done!




On upcoming hearing…

My disability hearing is coming up on August 14, I will simply state the truth..

That I am disabled and unable to hold down a decent job.  My anxiety rules my days although I do sleep at night.

I tried to work outside my field and did well in the training part of the job but when I was out of training I found it very hard to remember all that I needed to do and was severely stressed out each day I went to work.  My psychiatrist agrees and recommends that I don’t work.  I do help my frail mother at times and go see my dad who had a stroke and is paralyzed at a care facility.  But to hold down a job I just don’t feel capable due to the Schizoaffective Disorder, Schizophrenia plus depression.

I am not worried, God has my back but it is still stressful to go through it all and show up in front of a judge.



One has to laugh…

So my appointment at the psychiatrist went well.  After I shared with him all the positive experiences I am having with God He was not overtly concerned but asked if it interferes with my functioning.  It did not I shared with him.  When I brought it up that many of my readers suffer from negative experiences he said that that was more often the case with people who share my disorder, Schizoaffective, or Schizophrenia.  I am fortunate I guess but I feel the pain of those who have more negative experiences.  It must be very hard to live with that sort of reality.  My reality is good; I feel I am in God’s will in all things, confusion and all.

But what made me laugh was when I was leaving and I asked him when he wants to see me back.  He pondered the question (normally I see him every 3 months) but instead he said, “a month”  and then added “or two”.  I chose the latter but laughed that he is concerned about my connection with God.  I am not…

I submit all things to my Creator who made me, and you and all people and heaven and earth!



No longer delusional… so happy to say!

Hello Readers,

Tonight it finally happened, the deepest delusion fell away at some bizarre thought I had and it had to do with publishing my book.

This is tremendous news and I feel so happy about it!  The weight of the world is off of my shoulders and I praise God for helping me to get to the bottom of this conundrum.  It has been a mystery for so long, since 2006 so many nights ago…