My psychiatrist really thinks I have a rare form of Schizoaffective Disorder because I basically diagnosed myself back in 2008 which a team of doctors at UCLA confirmed within three days of my admittance to their psychiatric ward. I knew something was amiss and was right.
This is how it has been for me in these last 8 years. I know when I am doing well and I know when I am not and even can predict when a relapse may occur, usually stress induced.
This is why I am perplexed this time at my recent development of psychotic symptoms over the past week. I can’t say it came out of nowhere. But it wasn’t stress it was amazement at how God definitely answered one of my heartfelt prayers. It was amazing and so clear and I thank God for the answer He gave me but I don’t understand why it brought on mild psychosis.
I am doing better now I think. The unwanted thoughts have ceased but I still am in a bit of a daze and am not motivated much to exercise right now. Because I don’t work I have a lot of free time and what do I do? Sit! in front of the computer, in the armchair etc.. you get the idea! I am working on my book some days so that is a good excuse to sit, but I wish I could get back into a good exercise routine again.
I see my pdoc on Friday which is good it is a few days away while I figure out how I really am doing. I have hope that he will help me with some of the missing pieces of the puzzle. Being mentally ill it is not always easy to know how one is doing. Talking to people doesn’t help. It may sound strange but it feels like God gave me the best psychiatrist in the world who I trust so much with all my important thoughts and care.
To my readers with Schizophrenia or Schizoaffective Disorder or any mental illness: I really hope you all have a psychiatrist you can trust too. I hope and pray that everyone looks forward to their appointments like I do!
I have been doing a lot of reading lately and it is wonderful to be reading some of the greatest classics and uplifting books out there! I am reading the autobiography of Mahatma Gandhi, The Book of Joy by the Dali Lama and Archbishop Tutu, the Portable Thoreau and the Imitation of Mary. Most of what I read really resonates with my spirit and helps me to understand myself better.
For instance, on sadness, the Book of Joy offers much insight into how it can really help us be better people causing us to be more compassionate towards others. I have deep sadness right now because of what has happened with my father. He will never be the same, yet continues to live which I am grateful to God for. But his bane existence wipes me out almost every time I see him. He often doesn’t make much sense although at times he makes perfect sense. I take what I can and leave the rest to God to sort out.
On another note, I am slightly psychotic right now again. I am not sure how this has happened and I have plans to call my pdoc in the morning and I don’t know how I feel about this. I was doing so well with no psychotic symptoms for years and now that I am again I am just hopeful my pdoc will know what to do.
I am experiencing thought insertion, no voices this time. It is amazing that I can read right now although I am only absorbing about 25% of what I read and retaining even less than that. But I have had a virus with much free time on my hands so I read anyway and do my best to not obsess over these unwanted thoughts.
After this gets settled, I plan to continue the job search for a low stress job that will allow me to continue to receive permanent disability. I had a dream last night that I had a job at a local diner as a waitress which I did for many years before getting my degree. Perhaps I will do that. Who knows what the future holds. Not I, nor do I want to know the future.
Well that is all for now. It is hard to focus my thoughts so I hope this post made sense.
Is it helpful to lose one’s delusions or is it better to hang on to them to have some semblance of normalcy?
At age 8 I heard the words “you are special” and then nothing until many many years later. But I have always believed it in and out of my reality. Now at age 44 I sometimes don’t believe it although it pains me when I think this way so I will tell you the end of the story, I do believe I am very special because I have to, if I don’t I just want to die, don’t believe in God, and have no reason to live or love.
When I was a teenager I experimented with drugs and ran away to New York in search of meaning for my life. I was suicidal and basically was going to go out with a bang, partying and seeing the world.
I jumped out of airplanes, soared high on drugs, and took many risks across the country and back here in California my home state. But through it all God protected me from an untimely death.
I came to believe in a power greater than myself to help restore me to sanity and I promised my will to Him who made heaven and earth. I am working on being a saint now with the same fervor I had when I went to New York by myself. I have found truth in the Catholic Church and have all the saints on my side as I work out my salvation with fear and trembling.
So I don’t talk a lot about my struggles with alcohol but it seems I can only get about two years sober and then I relapse. I had one glass of wine and began to obsess about being a normal drinker. I am not a normal drinker, I have proven that for many years in and out of the program. I had dreams of drinking a bottle of wine for new year’s eve and red wine ahhh red wine. Makes me feel so fine.
I need to be checking on my mental health. I have an appointment with my pdoc soon, I think next week so that is good. My diet and exercise have been hit and miss, some days good some days lazy and eating because of the holidays. I have a fridge full of food!
But the important thing is that I don’t drink no matter what!
I dedicate today and tomorrow’s blog to my dear father who I almost lost twice this year. But he is still alive although at a diminished capacity.
I love you daddy! You are the best dad in the whole world and I want everyone to know that! Even though you didn’t really ever understand my mental disorder, you were always there for me believing in me and rooting for me at every turn in my life!