Welcome to all countries…

To my twisted mind. Seriously though I am so happy to see different countries on my feed. Today was Romania. What a beautiful name. Romania. I get excited to know that my blogs although they may not have a ton of followers or likes or comments, they are getting viewed and I pray how I pray that my experience in treating my own mental health disorders often by myself will somehow touch others.

I am again at an impasse’. I fired my therapist for several reasons bottome line wasn’t a good fit. So I started consulting with others who treat DID disorder and found that I will make little progress while the perpetraor (my mom) is still active in my life. So basically I can’t fuckinng move on until my mom passes. My dad is close, but yet still life in him. Still concerned for others even though he is fading…

My DID disorder is starting to manifest physically now. Won’t go into too many details but it is stress related having to do with my bladdder. Which is really strange because the book I am reading, “you will never be normal” discusses major incontinence but mine is minor. Off to the doctor Monday.

Annoyances such as these are frequent lately. I just adjust and try to find my happy spot. Today it eludes me as I am on day 3 or 4 out of 5 till hubbie gets home. I think I am too attached to him and am going to take a step back ha ah. Let him romance me when he gets back! And not cheap wine and dinner ha ha just kidding. I’ll just be glad when he gets home honestly.

Anyway, this facade continues as I navigate my days through good things and bad. I do have a call in to my old therapist to be a sounding board for all that is happening.

Finding it hard to look up but that is all I have right now. God, infinite, all knowing and all powerful. Be at my side Jesus and help me to believe where doubt exists.

peace love light and joy

Victoria

Midnight peace…

Hubbie is away so Im gonna play….

Took a late night shower and all ready for bed but drank coffee late so have a few minutes to share my latest ponderings…

Life is short in the grande scheme of everthing; but it is long too as is the case of my dad and mom. I’m prepared but I will be rich too, all the same, I don’t want them to die although I have accepted it as inevitable and have made peace with God and them.

So why am I stuck in my childhood? Been doing a lot of thinking about it. There was good. I excelled in school and was often the teacher’s pet, but I didn’t mind because I craved attention and approval from wherever I could get it. I would adopt my friend’s moms and always pleased them, it was so easy to get approval from everywhere unless my mom would ruin it somehow. Even today I don’t share all my good news because she always looks at the downside.

I force myself to look at the bright side and to almost always be kind especially with this pandemic. People are starting to feel comfortable again. I’m not ready but with upcoming travels will be forced. I know the pandemic has affected my mental health as it was a few months in when I noticed the first identity front (be most present). It scared and confused me.

And now I am at peace tonight. I am not thinking the negative reel tonight. I am thinking of heaven in a non suicidal way. We are all homeward bound. Of that much I know. Yet, spirituality evades me these days. Absent is my religion; active is my music expansion and netflix addiction of Grey’s Anatomy. Now there’s some drama…

Anyhow, off to bed I go wishing you all adieu

peace love light and joyy

Victoria

Soolamen…taking me home

I am drinking tonight after a day of realizations. I have been busy in many ways and I am happy to report that I have a new therapist who specializes in DID disorder. I definitely have it. I won’t write about it on here too much but today was fucked up again so I sought help. We shall see if this therapist pans out. I watch for signs and the last assessment I had scheduled got canceled twice due to other pressing matters. We shall see.

I started a blog on DID disorder today and it was beautiful with dark colors and flowers but I decided that it is not where I wish to blog. I shall remain here ever as your servant. For better or worse I will blog because I am compelled to in so many ways. It helps me firstly, and the activity shows me that others are reading my blogs and liking them so I know I am reaching others. But a part of me wishes I had all the answers. I don’t unfortunately.

Looking at my past has really stirred up a lot of emotion. My parents did their best. My mom provided many activities but was lacking in the emotional arena. I love her though with all my heart even though right now I am not talking to her a lot due to many different reason. Tomorrow we are visiting my dad so send positive thoughts please!

I was really fucked up today mentally due to untreated DID disorder. But I have hope for Monday. I wish to integrate but losing my identities is also scary because they are a part of me and I am used to them. Michelle, the host of the system, is excited about the new therapist and getting some help. She needs it. Sorry if this is confusing but my real name is Michelle. Victoria is a pseudo name but was also the name my birth mother gave me when I was born so not too far off.

Brief history for anyone who cares. I was conceived by an unknown father, my birthmom struggled with keeping me or giving me up for adoption to a Catholic home, which she did, but the home I first went to was with a woman who was diagnosed with a terminal illness so I was removed and placed in an orphanage and later adopted by my mom and dad. My mom was unloving,, unkind, strict and controlling to say the least. This is how I split at an early age and rebelled as a teenager to say the least again.

That is all for now!

Except for tonight’s song, Soolaman by Neil Diamond here. I am obsessed with this song tonight.

pax

Victoria

I am I said to no one there…fighting DID disorder!

I am so much. Yet at times “I am lost and I can’t even say why”.~Neil Diamond. The pain is always there but at times it is lessened due to the many joys in my life right now along with these dastard disorders.

DID disorder is a real thing. Some people doubt, even professionals, but I don’t having met someone with it and myself now. I am seeking integration, which basically means I am hoping to consolidate all my parts into one, just me. But it is complex and I have decided to do inner child work instead of working with a DID therapist because of the cost.

I guess this is a little bit of my blog for the month on DID (dissociative identity disorder). Now that things have settled down on the home front I am back to confronting my demons with all the courage I can muster to fight DID disorder. It takes great courage for me to look at myself as a child. Most people with DID disorder have childhood trauma and in my case it was emotional abuse and emotional neglect that caused these parts to emerge as a coping mechinism.

I believe that I was an empath or hsp (highly sensitive person) from birth, especially as I remember pictures of me as a young child. But not receiving the love and attention from my mom who was my main caregiver caused me tremendous pain even to this day. My sister fared much better; my brother not as bad as me. My dad when he was around (he worked a lot) was my sunshine and still is today:)

It’s interesting though how so much of my childhood is coming back to me through various channells. Music, childhood friends, memories of tv shows especially the Fonze eehhhhhh, and a group chat on Facebook for my grammar school. My parents did their best, that much I know and I love them both dearly and am so glad they are both still alive today.

The song I quoted above is yes another Neil Diamond song I just love. It conveys so much meaning I will share it here for anyone in the mood for some great music. It is called~ I am I said~ and you can listen to it here.

Where would I be without my music?

pax

Victoria

Happy National Schizophrenia here in the USA~Special celebration blog…

I celebrate because I have not taken my life. I may be like the moon evermoving but yet always there for me, my readers and all my loved ones. I choose life over death and actually enjoyed my day despite more drama around me.

I am puppy sitting for my son and daughter in law who are pregnant, due in October! Zelda is 9 months and is huge as it is a golden lab. I love Zelda and am training her. I have her two weeks and we are already making progess nicely…

But it has upset my routine but I find myself today and yesterday open to new interactions, today talked to a gal at Safe Haven and we always enjoy each others conversation. Today we discovered we both have acting pasts. I am going to hopefully attend a new drama class that should be fun!

We have to have fun when we can because otherwise life would be too dreary. I listen to upbeat music and my latest obsession is Neil Diamond. So far I love these songs all on Youtube. Cherry cherry, Beautiful noise, you are the sun I am the moon, Holly Holy, Girl youre gonna be a woman soon and more. His concerts are the best and he led such an interesting life it is fun to get to know him through his audience performances. He actually danced with Princess Diana!

Anyway, bottom line~ Having Schizophrenia/Schizoaffective Disorder sucks at times but by reaching out and getting help in 2008, I changed the course of my life. I was psychotic for two years. It was a strange scary and exciting time. Religion was everything to me. And that is all I shall say about my experience with Schizophrenia/Schizoaffective Disorder. If you are interested feel free to use the search engine next to the left of my blog title especially the Gift and my bio.

Thank you all for the likes and positive comments and emails. This journey that I have been blogging about my personal recovery from schizophrenia (9 years now) really has been fun and interesting getting to know all of you whether I read your blogs for a while or we corresponded at one point. I look forward to the next 9 years.

pax

Victoria

Ahh a new day…

Yesterday I am writing off as just a bad day for me mentally. They happen…

Several days but who is counting.

Bottom line I reached out for help, simply saying~I am not ok to my daughter and her whisk into action. My saviour. I normally would have my best friend to help balance me out but alas we are still not talking. A text here and there expressing our love but knowing the memorial coming up causes me to wish to reach out to her. I pray for a sign but it is so complicated as most things in my life.

When one is a people pleaser life can often get messy. I try to please everyone even myself. I do not burn out often but this week was just too much I guess and I needed a break and a bit of exercise yesterday, which lifted me up and much more today, gardening and cleaning all day with breaks. I got a sunburn gardening but I do not mind because it helps me remember how good it feels again to start to enjoy a hobby.

I read a quote recently that said~ choose courage over comfort~ I choose both because I have to. One good thing that is coming out of this latest episode is that I am learning to set boundaries. Today for example, I was going to get food for my husband and his workers/friends and I told him it would be a while because (didnt explain to him though) I was perusing my local record store for some new vinlys, yes, my latest obsession, Neil Diamond! It took longer than I anticipated as I was having such a hard time deciding because there were so many! I am going back tomorrow!

I am learning from my sister who lost her husband in November to think ahead. Not doom and gloom, but preparedness for possible triggers. For her it is her grief; for me it is being stable. I am going to be a grandma. I have to be ok. I do not pressure myself though but feel I am making progress with 10 steps ahead and 3 steps back. At least I am getting somewhere, where I do not know.

But it was a good day! Not just because I got a lot done, I got a lot done because I felt better after sharing my difficutlities. I hope and pray all of you have more people than I do to rely on. I am down to my daughter, my mom (limited)) and my newest friend from Safe Haven who calls or emails the days she is working. Poor thing, my life is crazy. The ups and downs of the last few weeks has been incredible and she is my main go to lately. I also have my new old therapist. We are supposed to start inner child work this week. Wish me luck! I like her and she knows much of my pain and grief and is experrienced in dealing with traumatic childhoods.

May is almost over! I havent met my goal to blog about mental health awareness month as much as I had planned but life. I have to take care of me and share as I am able. No apologies, no regrets.

Have hope dear readers and I bid you well wishes of peace love light and joy

Victoria

The importance of a support team…

Ten oclock here and it has been a rough day, week on many levels. When I do not blog it is because I just cannot share my pain here even or I am traveling, which is usually planned.

I am struggling again and I do not know why. I begged the heavens for help. Already met with my therapist for another matter and then something else in family sprung up. The sister of my husband suffered an episode this week and had to be hospitalized. Thank God she is getting help but I have not been ok this week so as I was trying to help my husband get her help I was like to myself that I need help too! But I cannot share with him when I am like this so even though he asked I said I was fine. I dont want to burden anybody ever. I try not to have drama…

An angel came to my aid today in the form of my daughter again. She still lives with me but will be moving out soon which is good but will miss her happy presence all day as she works from home mostly. I waited until she got done with work and said those words to her that I have been saying to myself. ~I am not ok and havent been for several days. She knew what to do and offered suggestions.

I have not been exercising this week because life has been so crazy. I exercised and felt better soon after. I did not reach for the bottle but did eat some sugar. I ran out of my chocolate stash this week and was craving wine. Wine does not help when I am not ok and my daughter reminded me.

This took courage to reach out to somebody and I am giving myself props for leaning on my support team. If things dont get better soon will reach out to my pdoc but for now am going to not let life get in the way of exercise. I read somewhere that you should spend at least 20 minutes outdoors a day and on busy days at least an hour. Getting outside and exercising for just 10 minutes lifted my mood and was able to do some housework and finally blog all this off my chest…

I wonder sometimes if I want to know the future especially when I have hard days coming. I do not but need to be better prepared for when I am not feeling ok…

peace love light and joy to all of you

Victoria

I choose my future…

Again music comes to my aid.

Goodbye Yellow Brick Road by Sarah Bareilles feat Elton John

This song speaks to me tonight as I ponder my future and that of my loved ones. I have to be ok bottom line. There are bad people out there and I cannot protect the world. I have tried. My God knows.

I am fighting depression even deeper than before. But I choose to end the suffering, the angst, the powerlessness. I choose to fight for good in any way I can. I wont apologize. I wont even think. I will just do it. Unrepentant.

Fighting for my mental health during May Mental Health Awareness Month during a very strange time in this world. Where fear meets its enemy, hope.

I have hope now. I have hope for better days. I have hope for my family and all my loved ones and the world. Most importantly I have hope for myself. I can choose to let thoughts about what I cannot control not consume me. I choose to fight for myself and my loved ones. Something needs to change and I am ready. I don’t want to know the future. I am glad I dont.

Computer is acting up!

More tomorrow

peace, love light and joy

Victoria

A story about a frog part two!

My first part of this story got more views than usual so damn technology! I’m using my phone to bring you Harry the frog 🐸 who has been spreading much joy! I hope it comes through.

This frog I named Harry gives me hope that this too shall pass. Today I shared with my husband the cost of ongoing therapy and he was ok with it! He doesn’t understand mental health but knows I struggle so this was huge and he is gladly paying for it.

Harry reminds me of how something so little can be so significant to me and the others I have shared him with.

I am sending this picture to Neil diamond because that’s what fans have done because of his song about a frog who becomes a king. His 🐸 room is filled up but hope he has room for one more of his newest fans gifts.

Much anxiety today about traveling tomorrow but I feel safe with my husband so all will be well!

sorry frog didn’t come through, will get my son to help soooonn…

Peace love light and joy 🥲

Victoria

A story about a frog…

Soooo it has been a very hard weekend although I had a lovely day of relaxing with my adult children….

I volunteered at our local farm and met a frog (or two). I even took a picture of Harold (yes I named him and Harry for short) but because of technical issues with my new laptop can’t post it. I was so happy to be gardening with froggies. I enjoyed it so much that I am going back Tuesday to finish what I started…

Back to the frog. I have been obsessed with Jason Mraz and pretty much only listen to him. Well I found a new old singer that I am listening to right now singing “Sweet Caroline”, yes it is Neil Diamond and he sings about a frog becoming a king or prince. I am blown away again by a God shot like this. Thank you Neil Diamond for so many years of great music and I just found you! He is still alive, I think he is 80. I need a vinyl but I love his concerts the most. I am sending him a picture of the frog I met; he has a whole room dedicated to frogs called his frogatorium! One more is on the way.

So why did this mean so much? Because I know I need help and yes it is on the way but I am here now and the only thing that helps is to be busy and music. And I really needed a break from Jason, sorry man, I’m your biggest fan but need a bit of a break. Neil Diamond is providing that along with a few others, Simon & Garfunkel too! Music helps me so much.

So Harry I hope you are well and will visit me again on Tuesday.

For now I am simply doing the very best I can with what God has given me.

I am traveling this week so don’t think I will be blogging much but back by Friday for my assessment with my new therapist.

peace llove light and joy

Victoria

Schizophrenia/Schizoaffective Disorder May Series 2021…

Welcome to the first blog of this year’s way I am celebrating May Mental Health Awareness Month by doing a series on the many facets to my disorder, some of which is questionable, but alas that it for another day.

My name is Victoria Marie Alonso and I diagnosed myself with Schizophrenia later to be confirmed by a team of doctors at UCLA in 2008 (my delusions said it had to be a team because I was so special) with the first psychotic break at age 36 in 2006. If you want to read about how I received the gift of Schizophrenia click here. Meds helped stop the messages I was receiving daily (from I thought to be from heaven) right away. I sought help because the messages were interfering with my daily functioning as a mother and wife. I actually thought my husband was going to die later that year. It was quite a distressing and scary time. Gratefully he did not die! I was wrong about many prophecies and messages but not all so it is still a confusing 2 years of very strange occurrences, voices, messages, thought insertion and grandiose delusions plus paranoia after leaving UCLA.

My psychiatrist who I saw after 7 day terrible stay at UCLA (but met some cool friends) is the same one I have had since being diagnosed. He and I questioned the validity of the need for meds because I was doing so well, so I went off them under his care after a few months. Things did not go well; I became suicidal and severely depressed so was rehospitalized for 3 days at a great psychatric ward under my pdoc’s care who fine-tuned my diagnosis to Schizoaffective Disorder. I restabilized and have not tried to go off my meds again. I have not heard voices since 2007 and very rarely any messages except when God wants to touch down.

Post-diagnosis I received my Bachelor’s in Sociology 2010 and Master’s in Psychology in 2012. School was easy but working proved difficult in the mental health field. I suppose I was still in some sort of denial about my abilities to manage stress but did end up helping many families while I worked as therapist intern from 2011 till 2015. Stress took me out though and I have been on permanent disability since 2015. I have tried to work a few times but having a boss does not agree with me, so I write and manage a few properties we own (buying).

2018 was my third and last hospitalization. Stress in my marriage and suicidal again. Things are good now thank goodness!

For the most part my Schizoaffective Disorder is managed quite well. Still some delusions and false prophecies so I don’t try anymore and am able to just ignore messages if they involve prophecies. Depression has crept back in though but willl be adressing that in another blog this month.

A few readers have asked me what the difference is between Schizophrenia and Schizoaffective disorder. Basically Schizoaffective Disorder is Schizophrenia (loss of touch with reality with positive, negative and cognitive symptoms) plus mood disorder, manic (which I love when it comes mostly) or depressive (currently in this phase).

What does the DSM have to say about these disorders for those interested in the latest developments in research? It is controversial in some arenas due to its empahasis on medicinal intervention but I feel that it has much value due to the combined effort of experts.

First, what is the DSM and what is it used for? ” The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM–5) is the product of more than 10 years of effort by hundreds of international experts in all aspects of mental health.” America Psychiatric Association. “The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM) is the handbook used by health care professionals in the United States and much of the world as the authoritative guide to the diagnosis of mental disorders. DSM contains descriptions, symptoms, and other criteria for diagnosing mental disorders.” resource here.

Here is what the DSM-5 says about Schizophrenia- The presence of 2 (or more) of the following, each present for a significant portion of time during a 1-month period (or less if successfully treated), with at least 1 of them being (1), (2), or (3): (1) delusions, (2) hallucinations, (3) disorganized speech, (4) grossly disorganized or catatonic behavior, and (5) negative symptoms

In referring to the positive symptoms, negative symptoms and cognitive symptoms, positive symptoms include 1- delusions 2- hallucinations (auditory, visual, tactile, olfactory (smell)); while negative symptoms are the more neglected symptoms that people with either disorder, Schizophrenia or Schizoaffective, deal with.

I have already written much about negative symptoms so feel free to search this blog using search feature to left of my title and a bunch of blogs will come up but this one stands out the most to me- Dealing with the negative symptoms of Schizophrenia which explains in more detail what they are. I am taking gingko now and have seen a tremendous difference in negative symptoms especially with completing tasks. Things are much clearer and helps me to get shit done!!!

Now for Schizoaffective Disorder and the DSM-5. The specific DSM5 criteria for schizoaffective disorder are as follows[1]: A. An uninterrupted duration of illness during which there is a major mood episode (manic or depressive) in addition to criterion A for schizophrenia; the major depressive episode must include depressed mood.

I qualify!

Hope this was helpful! For an informational video about Schizophrenia by CureSZ my favorite Schizophrenia non-profit check it out here!

Next exploring, explaining depression.

peace, love light and joy

Victoria

May Series 2021 line up…

It is still April here but excited to start working on my May series 2021. May is also Mental Health Awareness Month so it is appropriate for May to be my theme month for a series. Kinda cool to me:) For last years May series 2020 you can click here. It is about how to survive the pandemic at home…At the end of the lineup I will include a short summary of what mental health awareness means to me. Feel free to chime in also. Safe Haven where I receive services asked me to type something up and send it to her to share anonymously of course.

Each day I will blog about one aspect of my diagnosis- I am including some descriptions and will tag all posts in case you miss one. I plan to use the newest DSM manual. Allow me to get some use out of my Master’s in psychology and dazzle you ha ha. Not sure yet but will probably be my typical storytelling along with information gathering to share.

  • Schizophrenia/Schizoaffective disorder- I have been diagnosed with both, originally Schizophrenia but when depression set in was finetuned to Schizoaffective Disorder and fighting depression again lately…
  • Depression- will discuss the intricacies of my personal experience with hard to treat depression and stories of others I have known since 2008 who have also suffered from it.
  • Bipolar tendencies- my many moods or is it something else?
  • Anxiety- how I cope on a day to day basis
  • OCD DID disorder/OSDD
  • The importance of a care team
  • Fighting the stigma right now!

I’m very open to topics and nuances others may wish explored along these titles. Feel free to email with any suggestions (see below for email).

Mental Health Awareness to me means being heard and having doctors and therapists, friends and family and sometimes strangers realize they are not in our head and can never be. For them to understand that sometimes it is super hard to put into …words what is going on with me. It also means fighting the stigma. We are not to be feared but respected and treated in a way that is not condescending or dismissive. It really means so much. I have been on the other side and have done my share of judging. But no more…

Please feel free your thoughts on Mental Health Awareness Month to share in the comments or I can be reached at victoriamariealonso@yahoo.com I respond to all emails so far. Might take me a few days but I think about it and answer when I feel like I can.

I had my “big appointment” today but sadly he didn’t know much about DID disorder and had never heard of OSDD disorder. He did refer me to a specialist (for me to find which I did) and basically when do I want to see him again? I am a little disappointed as he knew what I was seeing him for but it is what it is. I am throwing myself into my gardening, writing and cooking this weekend.

peace, love light and joy

Victoria

Upcoming May 2021 series…

Last year one of my greatest accomplishments by far was May series 2020 and how I learned to navigate being at home while having a serious brain mental health disorder. This May I find myself at a much different place than last year in terms of my mental health.

So I have decided to blog about these many changes. Ideas are welcome but the focus is on dealing with the many facets of having multiple disorders within my system. My official diagnosis so far is Schizoaffective Disorder (Schizophrenia plus depression) with bipolar tendencies, OCD and anxiety and now DID disorder or OSDD disorder.

I will be blogging as much as I can to have a compodium of information relevant to anybody interested.

I have put writing the books on hold for now but they are there when I have the desire to work on them some more. Shifting always.

peace love light and joy

Victoria

Navigating recognizing mental health changes…

When changes or recognizing patterns that have always been there concerning my mental health occurrs what should one do for the easiest transition?

For me it is in this order~

Checking in with my care team starting with my psychiatrist who I have had for 13 years now since being diagnosed with Schizophrenia/Schizoaffective Disorder in 2008. I trust him with my mental health. Have never felt judged. But I know I must be honest with him to my best ability for that is the only way I will get answers.

Next checked in with my adult daughter who has been my mental health support since 2008 also. She is always a good ear and I mostly agree with her feedback but not always. We have a great relationship though so it is not the easiest to discuss with her until I speak to my psychiatrist anyway. She needs that validation I suppose.

Finally, I just had a session with my therapist of old because she knows me. It was ok but I felt I was teaching her more about the disorder than her. But it was good practice to be able to explain how these changes came about or recognition of the symptoms that have been present since I was little.

Lastly, I have been receiving support from my group called Safe Haven where I began to learn about DID and OSDD disorders. They don’t have it but are supportive.

I’m having a rough week and it’s barely Monday. The concert distracted me at a fabulous level but now back to feeling discombobulated. But I know the best way for me to cope with the unknown condition of my mental health which I would call unraveling is to be busy. So off I go to clean the house. Well at least after I listen to my fave Jason MRaz song ” I won’t give up”.

peace love light and joy

Victoria

Negative symptoms of schizophrenia and ginkgo…

As I have previously written, I have had a terrific breakthrough since last year dealing with the negative symptoms of schizophrenia/schizoaffective disorder by starting to take ginkgo bilboa by way of Shaklee Mental Acuity. Well my discovery was totally validated recently when I stumbled across a study on different interactions with herbs and schizophrenia. Allow me to take you on my recent path.

I was googling honeybush tea and schizophrenia to make sure that it was recommended. Well I didn’t find the tea but it is a wonderful pick me up for those low moments in the day! Instead I found proof of the wonderful benefits of this herb for those affected with this disorder.

The title of the study is called Updates and Additions for Herbal Contraindications & Drug Interactions plus Herbal Adjuncts with Medicines, fourth edition by Francis Brinker, N.D. He or she writes, ” A systematic review of ginkgo as an adjunct to antipsychotics in treating chronic schizophrenia assesses 8 randomized, placebo-controlled, double-blind studies with 1033 patients enrolled, including 571 using ginkgo extract and 462 taking placebo. Ginkgo extract with antipsychotics significantly amelioreted [made better] total and negative symptoms, compared to placebo, with no distinguishable differences in adverse effects.” Guys beware though who take Risperdone with taking this supplement. I take Risperdone and have no adverse affects.

If you wish to read more about negative symptoms just hit my search feature to the left of the title of my blog.

I have much more to say about this but I’m tired so will post this and share more soon.

peace, love light and joy

Victoria

Monday Morning Musings…

Good morning!

I am very hyper today because I finally get to start working on my 7 ebooks. It has been 2 weeks of many changes so I am seeing a new Reiki healer/crystal healer tonight to help me balance my chakras with all the new changes-quitting nicotine (it’s getting easier to smoke weed without the nicotine), quitting alcohol and bad sugar, basically a vegetarian now.

I am very pleased with my new life so can embark again on my writing projects. I have organized it all and ask for positive vibes, prayers, thoughts for me to be able to bring it all together.

I am still looking for input on some of the ebooks. So far I have pieces of writing from my readers on: food and mental health, beauty and mental health and exercise and mental health. I am still looking for people with a mental health disorder to help me out with my other ebooks on surviving the pandemic and mental health, having a spiritual practice and mental health, cleanliness and mental health and my favorite (well they are all my favorite actually) writing and mental health.

Please the time for publication is approaching with no pressure on my part but the sooner I can get everyone who is interested in helping others with a mental health disorder to participate the better. The time is now is my motto today. Reading about zen living is helping me to find my bearings and focus on what is most important right now. Allow me to explain…

One of the exercises in “Idiots guide to zen living” is to write out everything you want to do. I wrote a lot including learning Japanese and redecorating the house. Then they had me narrow down the list to the top 5 things to be your priority and to scratch the rest off the list. I did this and ended up with these 5 things to work on every day~

NURTURING MY RELATIONSHIPS

EATING HEALTHY

WRITING MY 7 EBOOKS

GARDENING

AND LAST AND LEAST MEDITATING 15 MINUTES A DAY

I actually had to get up and look at my list because I couldn’t remember what the fifth item was so I guess it isn’t really that important. So off I go to write some more. I shall be back soon. Bless you all!

peace love light and joy

Victoria

Passively suicidal at a thought of life without…

What is the one thing you cannot do without? It used to be coffee and vaping nicotine but now it is weed. The thought of living without it makes me want to rather be dead than alive. Rejection, loss, sadness, fear, isolation, rejection from one person who understands me. Is it addiction or rather just a way to feel normal? To relieve stress and relax?

Nothing’s going to stop me but divine intervention.

I get a lot done in a day. Today wasted 2.5 hours on a program to quit weed. Didn’t work. Why do I think so much about quitting? Would you all really like to know? Rather I title this blog as “God told me to quit 3 times” and try to understand why now even though I don’t believe it does me harm in any way except when I think of quitting. I shall gladly share if even one person likes this post…

peace love light and joy

victoria

Late night musings…

It’s late and today was another good solid day of work, relaxation and everything in between.. I am no longer getting the brain mapping done. I shall explain below.

I am decidedly a much happier person no longer vaping nicotine or weed or drinking any alcohol. I am now working on my diet, not going on a diet, those don’t work, but eating when I am hungry whole plant -based foods 99% of the time. When I need to be sociable, I will eat meat or fish and have small amounts of cheese but no processed foods or sugar for this gal…

It’s amazing but it is so true that when the student is ready the teacher will come. My teacher was in the form of the passed on Allen Carr may his soul rest in peace, who wrote all the books that have unanimously helped me to understand and overcome addiction.

For instance it is a myth that we have addictive personalities. I always used this as an excuse for my using and drinking among other vices, but no more… I used to be addicted to those things but no more, I have been set free and I am elated as he promises in his books.

Here is my list of books I listened to on audible and the progression of what the last week looked like for me. It’s kind of really hilarious when I think of it but hey much progress in short time.

Allen Carr is the author of all these books

  1. Easyway to stop smoking (including vaping)- I was terrified to give up this addiction but I learned from this book that the myth that quitting is hard is really just that a myth. I read about this book but was skeptical but finally gave it a listen and he encourages one to smoke or vape during reading or listening to the book so there are no distractions. He also says to be successful one has to follow all the instructions which I did and even though once I realized that all that vaping was doing was giving me a head rush and causing me much anxiety and didn’t even want that final vape, I did it and gladly dumped all my vaping paraphernalia in the trash outside. FREEDOM. It was easy and all I had to do when I had a craving was to really embrace that I no longer do that and that it was a sign that my mortal enemy was dying, the little monster, the vape and the big monster is my head which is utterly convinced I will never pick up again. I had quit alcohol Feb 14th, got awesome news that changed my life, and knew I had to do this for myself… quit weed soon after and then quit vaping 3 days later. Not a miracle, just followed his instructions to a t.
  2. Easy way to control your drinking- surprise ending but no longer have any desire to put that toxin in my body but if I want a drink I can, I just don’t want to anymore he he.
  3. Easy way to lose weight, Easy way for women to lose weight and today just finished Good Sugar Bad Sugar which I probably should of started with. I had my final meal of my favorite pizza and a pepsi and made my solemn vow to never eat junk again. I will share more on this in a week or so after implementing the necessary changes to the way I eat!
  4. Easy way to mindfulness- this audible book is helping me to now stay in the present moment more calmly. Not quite finished with it but it’s there whenever I need more inspiration!

So that has been my week. 30 hours of listening on my phone to one of the most easy to understand authors and follow along taking notes when needed. Today if someone asked me that silly question if you could spend one hour on a park bench with one person from history it would be Allen Carr! Email me if you want a free audible book on any of the ones I wrote about. It’s free and would love for my readers to benefit too especially if one cannot afford to purchase the books.

That’s all tonight. Tomorrow starts my work again writing the 7 Ebooks. Please if you have any suggestions on any of the topics I wrote about originally mental health and …… or helpful ways you have overcome addiction or any other mental health related topic please email me at: victoriamariealonso@yahoo.com and thank you to all who have already shared their favorite tips of coping during this pandemic. I can share your name or anonymously if one prefers. But excited to get started in the morning after my breakfast of fruit…

Oh and that brain mapping I was going to do with neurofeedback? Saved me thousands!!! God is good!

peace, love, light and joy

Victoria

Dreaming is first step…and in search of help with books…

because a dream written down becomes a plan and as goals unfold so do endless possibilities…

of excitement, thrill, success and failure too! But bouncing back from our missteps is the funnest thing. As we learn many lessons about what works for us and what doesn’t it is good to record it all.

I am grooving with my E-books, titling them, writing and feeling discombobulated so decided to outline them by book like I used to do in college when I had a major paper due.

And as we find our groove to the life that God has given us we can help others now and on the way!

It’s a lot of fun but challenging because I am so busy enjoying life that taking time to write how I got to this place after many years of complacency is a bit hard. So balance is key and I am now finding it.

I have just decided that I need collaborators and reviewers of this series so I am putting this out there to anyone with some free time and experience willing to help. Please email me if or comment your interest below. I can be reached at victoriamariealonso@yahoo.com

Here are the titles of the first five books and descriptions of them along with areas I am looking for others to contribute. If you are interested in this project which I hope to complete by March 2021, I can provide more questions depending on your level of interest in helping out. If you are willing I am even open to interviewing others who have similar or different ways of coping with this pandemic. This can be a worldwide effort! Australia, South Africa, Germany, Netherlands and any any country because mental health has no boundaries!

Book One: Mental health and Surviving the Pandemic Description- My story, my challenges, my successes, my hope, importance of taking care of our mental health. Contributors- Readers and personal experience especially on how has the pandemic has affected your mental health?

Book two: Exercise and mental health Description-how exercise benefits our mental health in a myriad of ways, obstacles and ways to get in a routine that works for you. Contributors- Readers and personal experience especially on what exercise do you love, like or put up with?

Book 3: Cleanliness and mental health Description- how does cleanliness help one from our personal bodies, to our homes, pets, cars and inner work Contributors- Readers and personal experience especially on what is most important to you in terms of taking care of the aforementioned?

Book 4: Food and mental health Description- the many ways that food affect our mood and how proper nutrition is paramount to healthy gut and brain health. Contributors- Readers and personal experience especially on what foods do you like that benefit you?

Book 5: Beauty practices and mental health description- how when we take care of ourselves and our homes and personal belongings we feel better inside. Contributors- readers, and personal experiences with this topic.

So that’s part of my dream, the final books will be revealed soon. Feel free to email me with any questions, comments, suggestions especially if you want to review the parts of the books and personal experience is really exciting that some of you might like to be in the book.

peace love light and joy

Victoria

Late evening musings…

Current thoughts are mixed with joy, contentment, and peace. God is good even when things don’t go right I am finding. That may sound crazy but many of my hardest times have resulted in much great recovery exceeding my very limited hopes for my future.

I am not grandiose. No, I am perfectly clear and not delusional. I am not the most special person to ever live! This is liberating. But I can take care of my corner, which is vast and seemingly endless and blog about my ups and downs.

February has already brought much greatness. I am not an astrologist but understand that February is a time for great change and it is happening in me and around me and around the world!

If this is your first visit to my site I invite you to use the search feature located to the left of my title “mypersonalrecoveryfromschizophrenia”. It is there you can search my bio and any topics about mental health, coping skills, and I highly recommend the May 2020 series which is now available as an Ebook many of the posts. It is available on kindle on amazon here for free.

It was a good day of spending some time with my eldest son, daughter in law who both have been vaccinated and their pups!!

peace love light and joy

pax

Victoria

At a much better place…

I must live my life in a way that honors my dad. I must move on although my daily visits have ensued I gladly report.

But life, which has halted in many ways, now must no longer be stagnant but instead full of life and vigor…

this is possible…

the answer lies within us all as to what kind of life we want to live and how we can achieve it fully. People can serve as our guides along the way but in reality we know only if we are willing to look deep within ourselves and no longer fear what we see.

This introspection must continue with a sense of urgency as we are not promised tomorrow. And then we must look outward to help others, by prayer, by action, by talking about what is most important which on here is mental health.

I am currently actively seeking a zen life coach. I love this way of life and am curious to see if I have found one that feels I am a good fit. Interestingly enough I did not mention to him that I have a brain/mental health disorder. I really hate labels but my medicine gives it away. More on this later.

For now I want to focus on my questions that I have for my possible new zen life coach…

  1. How is it possible to detach (in my case from my dad) yet still care?
  2. How is my body possibly being affected by this anticipatory grief and my mind?
  3. I seek balance,especially in my daily routine, how can I find it with my many obligations?

Those are my starter questions.

It is evening right now and I have much on my mind.

peace love light and joy

pax

Victoria

Exciting news…

Still in vigil mode, my dad is hanging on for now and I’ll take every second.

Since I am so overcome with grief and the long process of death I have decided to take advantage of this down time and write and work on a few projects to take my mind off of my dad and his ultimate death… interesting it will be to see how he helps me from heaven.

Anyway, so I am working on downloading some files and getting a new laptop (currently on daughter’s at 23% so we shall see how long this blog is). I’m gonna have to make payments but really need one bad for many things. But that is not the exciting news getting a new computer. No the good news is that I am really putting a lot of effort into this new ebook. I have already written the dedication of course to my dad and now I am going to work on getting the content cleaned up. Already transferred files to email from old laptop so there is one thing done.

I have a lot to do and can’t really get started until I get my new laptop. I am looking for suggestions for titles. I want to keep it short and to point but catchy too. As usual a portion of all profits will go to my favorite foundation, CureSZ. My dad taught me to set high goals and to meet them so I am really hoping for some success right now with this ebook. Of course all the content is now available under May series coping skills unlimited, through the search feature or at the top bar.

For the ebook though I am really going to try to organize it better and give it my very best. I can’t do a lot right now but writing is good so wish me luck!

Best

peace love light and joy

pax

Victoria

On pause…even this disorder lies in waiting…

This world 🌎 is so strange right now…my dad is dying, any moment now, and covid has changed everything! Zoom instead of people coming over. Ah so what? We were still together. Covid cannot stop love ❤️

I am avoiding many things right now: driving, social media, certain family and wine. In that order, but making sure I take care of myself. Sleep, food, water! Exercise is minimal but don’t feel like doing much.

I’m being gentle with myself the best I can ! Today is my baby boy s 22 birthday 🎂! My daughter and I made it special and even just helped him make a wonderful meal. Clean up is done and my dad didn’t pass on his birthday!

God is good! I am also taking a break from blogging the next part of the series negative and cognitive symptoms. But if you want to read past blogs about anything including the fore mentioned. Just use the search bar to the left of this pages title.

Will still check in but so overcome by grief I don’t know if this makes sense but even my disorder waits on hold . Very clear thinking about much but still some confusion too. No positive symptoms not even delusional. Going to start some new projects once life continues.

For now thank you for holding this space with me! Peace love light and joy 🥲

Pax

Victoria

Death awaits…

Still holding light vigil for my dad. Thank you for any prayers for his eminent transition. I am thinking it will be January. So I am somber but also use humor to deflect dark thoughts about death and how much he is currently suffering. Peace be with you dearest dad, my love for you is sure and this pain I do feel.

How blessed we all are to be able to watch the sunset from wherever we are. Tonight’s will be glorious. A premonition of sorts for February, the month when things will get better.

Peace, love, light and joy

pax

Victoria

Welcome to my blog! For new readers click here for my brief bio.

Victoria here with a late night blog. I am still holding a vigil for my father who is eating again but is still very weak from lack of food and recovery from covid. It’s been a day mixed with tears, laughter, dancing, singing, cooking, music on repeat and laundry!

Odd sort of day but here I am excited to share some new ideas I have about this blog. Starting tomorrow I will be blogging about what schizophrenia and schizoaffective disorder are and my personal experience with the positive, negative and cognitive symptoms. I will explain more in detail and questions are welcomed.

I am calling it Schizophrenia Education and Personal experiences…

I’m excited anyway so till tomorrow.

peace love light and joy

pax

Victoria

My theme for 2021…

Where will I spend my energy? that is my theme for this year and every moment of 2021.

Time is not guaranteed so I am reevaluating many aspects of my life and working at maneuvering around obstacles that will always be present but heck I’m not gonna give up!

Today is a good day! It is Sunday so restful day but I already played and lost two games of chess, did hot yoga, switched to tea mid morning from coffee, blogging, organizing my year by months (nothing spectacular), attended part of Mass and now going on walk with daughter!

Music this year so far is George Michael. Rip dear George. He was only 53 when he passed, so young, and I am 51. Time is not guaranteed to anyone…

Make the most of it

peace, love light and joy

pax

Victoria

What does a mentorship look like?…

I have been mentored by many at different stages in my life. Some have passed on, some I outgrew and some are still with me on my journey.

I have offered to be a mentor for anyone on here so just want to explain a little more what that entails. It is free and even if you don’t feel like I’m a good fit, it is good to know what it might look like because I believe we all need one. My current mentor is also my best friend which makes it fun. But I’m always on the prowl to have another.

What does it look like though? It requires the willingness to explore parts of our lives in a non judgemental way. Comparison is discouraged but others who may have a life that is attractive for us can help us to decide what we want our lives to look like.

Some areas that will be explored will be uncovered by asking these sorts of questions.

Where are we stuck?

What are some obstacles?

What are some options?

What would be something that can generate change?

What does your ideal life look like?

What are your strengths?

What do you like?/dislike?

These are just some examples.

My main passions are chess, yoga, walking, all dogs and cats, Italy, meditation, music, gardening, spoiling my children and husband, tidying and organizing.

Now I am not an expert in any of these fields especially chess, novice at best; but I won’t let that stop me from learning more about each and every one of my passions. I’m not going to say this year because I don’t like to make resolutions on Jan 1 but rather every day I work to improve an area.

Now lets talk about mental health in a mentorship. I suffer from schizoaffective disorder and do not have any positive symptoms (hearing voices, seeing things, hallucinations of any sort) and my negative symptoms are at bay thanks to cbd oil I take every day. I do have some cognitive impairments but manage to live a very highly functioning life despite these deficits.

I believe I can be of help to people especially who suffer from schizophrenia/schizoaffective disorder because I have suffered so much and am at a really good balanced place now. I have been passively suicidal, hospitalized 3 times (last time was when I tried to return to work and stress caused a relapse) and here I am now 3 years into being on permanent disability and kicking butt and taking names.

I manage my home, along with our other properties. I work 6 days a week but try to blog 7 days a week. I am busy but relax a lot too. There is always room for improvement and I am currently seeking a mentor who is knowledgeable about the metaphysical. I put this out there to the Universe and the Source of all that is good. I expect results manifested…

My ideal life would be one much like I have right now with a few tweaks. Life is a lot like chess; all about strategy.

peace, love, light and joy to you all!

pax

Victoria

Shazam… my best thoughts for 2021…

A world 🌎 of peace, unity and less mental health stigma! I see this for 2021 with January still being hard but great things coming in February 2021!!

The planets will be aligned uniquely all because the Source of all that is good wills it so!

My personal goals matter and so do yours! It’s not about resolutions seriously but rather a way of life with kindness and love and joy at the center of it all near the heart ❤️ of Jesus!

Don’t worry about a thing! Just set your intention every day and watch as it gets manifested. Life is not long enough to do, say and write all that is important.

It’s about discernment. Does my next minute of activity need to be where I am? Or somewhere else? I am willing to help anyone through email correspondence and phone if needed, to help anyone find their purpose in life.

Before making the decision to work with me consider a few things, first are you willing to be open to new possibilities? Or are you content with your life? If you’re not I’m willing to assist.

I am not a therapist but am holding a masters degree in psychology and bachelors in sociology.

I have been diagnosed since 2008 with schizophrenia and schizoaffective disorder, ocd, bipolar tendencies and anxiety. I am stable now for many years and love to connect with others. I saw Russia visited this blog recently! Welcome!

Also Ireland and many countries. Let’s connect!

I can be reached victoriamariealonso@yahoo.com

God bless and happy new year!!! 🎊🎆🎈

Pax

Love light and joy

Victoria

Learning to love our individuality…

We are all unique; special; wonderfully made….

I truly love who I am today. I am so much more than my diagnosis. I fight and today I kick-assed. I may not be able to hold down a job outside the home but I do so much every day, organizing, planning, paying bills, managing our properties and much much more.

Today I chose to forgo a popular routine of mine and ended up journaling at 9am! Didn’t write much but liked doing it because it puts what is in my head out on paper and helps me to know how I am doing. Today there was not a whole lot going on so I am going to journal at night as I am more of a night owl and get way more creative with my thoughts.

Onto loving our individuality… it is clear that no two people are alike. This is awesome! I often try when I blog to think what might be of interest. Well I am going to stop guessing and just flipping blog.

I love music! Jason Mraz is with me now on Youtube! He rocks! I love all my idiosynchroncies and nuances that make me unique. I love it when I am able to shed new light on a situation that may need it; and when I am able to give back to those from whom so much has been given.

I am no longer suicidal I just realized right now. This is great news! I want to live and see my grandchildren and see my adult children flourish as they already are…

I want so much but mostly I want an equal unified world. Nothing big God. Just what seems impossible at so many levels. But I can dream anyway along with others who came before me and stand on their shoulders and say I want change!

I have much hope in our new President Elect Joe Biden and Vice President elect Kamala Harris. May they help unite this world that is just a bunch of people like me trying to figure shit out. So on I go doing what I can by saying to all the countries that are visiting this blog~ Argentina, Germany, Uk, Mauritus, America, and many many more~ It is wonderful that we can unite on this blog at whatever level one feels comfortable.

God bless and God speed!

Pax

Victoria

Off the charts…

I still do really crazy things sometimes. My OCD took over today with my kitchen and cooking and clean up. But that is not what I am talking about. I say things at times that are inappropriate as we all do with or without a mental health disorder. But I really made a mess the other day. But I’m not talking about that either. I can’t share I guess how I get crazy because it is hard to put into words. Let’s just say I can still be very impulsive and impatient. ha ha, that is all I shall share today… got to keep at least some secrets.

Ah, moving on as I always do. Will do some crystal cord cutting later if needed if my words are still bothering me. Funny now all I have to do is think I will crystal cord cut and the issue gets often remedied without doing the action. That’s pretty cool I think.

I go through my days all right. Just finished a huge project for our properties. Feels good but now I’m like I need to get back to what I enjoy, yoga, gardening, working out, walking, playing with my pups and other’s, and making time for writing.

I feel my creative juices flowing so for the end of December I am going to come up with a theme being “We can do it”! Part one will come tonight or tomorrow. We can get through this last part of the year that has been so so so so so so difficult for many myself included. I will be doing this to encourage myself as well by posting every day what I am doing to take care of myself rather than my vices which are always there to comfort me when needed.

Did anyone catch the Christmas star tonight? I missed it but it is supposed to be out tomorrow night too must set my alarm. I just get so busy.

Life is good. Hope that is the same tomorrow.

Peace love light and joy to all of you,

pax

Victoria

What does being special mean to you?…and contest December 2020

I heard it at age 8 crossing a bridge on my way to Northern California riding in the back seat of our family car, next to my sister and brother. And then silence until age 36 except for the brief moments when God through the Holy Spirit touched down to guide me.

Are we all special, denying it because one may be humble unlike me? I wonder these thoughts as I reexamine my life today. Much to be done so taking a moment to do something I enjoy, write. It gives me much joy!

Sadness permeates my thoughts when I hear certain music so I listen to the same music and ff through the songs that make me think about my dad, and Jim+ and Larry+. Now thinking about it again so will move on to this months theme.

The contest! No one has sent in a quote yet lol but that’s ok. I am going to post a quote every day and blog about it and if you like the quote and content then like it and by December 31, 2020 I will tally up all the likes; and the winner will be put in a hat and chosen by my son. The winners will receive some wonderful memoirs of Bethany Yeiser and her mom on their lives dealing with this dastard disorder schizophrenia and masks that say CureSZ

Who’s with me? Like or comment and let me know if this will be interesting for you!

peace, love light and joy

pax

Victoria

Do I ever?…

Do I ever wander aimlessly, through life, through death, through joy?

Do I ever seek for help from above before taking that drink that brings much comfort but yet sadness too?

Do I want to help others? yes, indeed, let me help you. write to me anytime at victoriamariealonso@yahoo.com which is my private email. I miss doing therapy, but do it every day, with my mom, my two widows, my children, my dogs, myself first though.

Reach out if you have a question or comment. I don’t get much feedback so I am reaching out for contact of some sort. Don’t just like or share, connect on a level you are comfortable with. And don’t be scared. I do not judge. I embrace differences at many levels.

peace, love, joy and light to all of you,

pax

Victoria

Excitement! New search on this blog and favorite quote giveaway!

I am Victoria Marie Alonso and I am a daughter, wife, mother, friend and a person with schizoaffective disorder diagnosed in 2008. This blog has been in existence since 2013. I am on permanent disability since 2015. Did achieve my Master’s and bachelors in 2012 but couldn’t handle the stress of working.

I have had good seasons and bad days, but through it all I won’t give up!

So on to the excitement! There is now a search engine on my blog. Just enter any topic you might like to read about and hit go and up will come any of my blogs of the topic of interest you have selected. For instance, negative symptoms, psychotic, suicidal, you get it. Anything! I am trying out this feature for a month and see if it helps my readers to navigate through 7 years, 361 blogs, of blogging. I have also cleaned up my site with the awesome help of wordpress. They rock!

And to start off the year I am giving away two books of chronicles of Bethany Yeiser and her mother, 1 of each, along with 2 masks that say CureSZ, a nonprofit dedicated to curing schizophrenia, fighting stigma and supporting those with schizophrenia. All you have to do is comment your favorite quote or your own favorite mantra and I will select the two winners on January 1, 2021!

My favorite quote is by Mahatma Gandhi “be the change you wish to see in the world”.

I haven’t decided on a theme yet for December 2020. So I will allow my reviewing of the entries to guide me.

peace, love, light and joy to all

pax

Victoria

Let’s talk about suicide…

Many of us have been there, some of us are there now, contemplating a life ending the suffering that seems so unbearable at times…

Protective factors help, these are your reasons to live such as children or pets. Mine are strong but they do not always help me when I am at my wit’s end thinking about taking my own life.

I have a disorder (schizophrenia/schizoaffective disorder) and the odds are not in our favor concerning suicide rates. Do I let that statistic bring me down or fight?

I’m a fighting woman! I will not give up because life is a gift and we don’t know the day that gift will be taken away to move onto the spiritual world.

Depression can cause these thoughts too and situations which are temporary. I am currently depressed but being proactive about my mental health because I cannot let myself go again and go down that deep spiral of a staircase into the land of the dark and ugly, which would be to actually to take my own life.

I woke up today and went to bed last night thinking about all the wonderful things that have happened to me this week. There were a lot of highlights and I am now in the habit of making some more.

It is hard right now because we can’t do things we normally would have done. But somehow we can find a way to improve our situation and want to live again.

I have written this blog since 2013 and was diagnosed in 2008. 14 years since receiving this gift that can also be a curse. I am planning on cleaning up this site over the next few days and really trying to get in some good content again.

My life has fallen apart with the death of my brother in law but he would not want me to be somber and teary eyed all the time but I f#$%#ing miss him.

Today is a new day and my mantra once again is I won’t give up! Even better I won’t give up and I will give life my all, starting last night when I deep cleaned the kitchen. There is always something to do but I don’t always feel like doing it.

Yesterday was different. I didn’t feel like doing anything albeit there was much to be done so I played hooky. I went to my best friend’s house and we hung out and drank some wine and sang, cried, laughed and had a grand time! I cam home and because I took a 5 hour break to have some fun I was able to come home and focus on my house and paperwork.

It was easy because I did the fun thing first. Kind of like eating dessert first before the entree. The entree will still be there as will the work and drudgery so might as well enjoy ahead because truly we don’t know if we will even get to the dessert right? So dig in, enjoy what makes you happy or at least not so sad.

Peace love light and joy to all of you.

I can be reached at victoriamariealonso@yahoo.com for any questions or comments. My email has been active again and I like that. I don’t have all the answers but I have just a bit of understanding and love to share.

Pax

Victoria

I think I will never doubt again but…

life happens

people die, people suffer, people celebrate, life keeps going even after a very sad event such as my brother in law passing last week…

i am fighting depression, not exercising at all but have been getting fresh air and sunlight. Too low to put in any effort but making dinner tonight.

I get to take care of my sons new puppy four days a week so that gets me out. In lockdown mode once again because of covid.

I am stuck on a few levels currently. time will tell.

praying for all of you and me and my sister who is doing so well…

pax

Victoria

Feels as the world is awakening one by one…

Time passes slowly these days but I am not alone, no I have two deceased people who visit me from the dead in spirit. I love them and they love me and care and protect all my loved ones. I am sad tonight, melancholy if you may, being polite tonight, can’t be angry anymore, as it doesn’t suit me so I am told by Larry and Jim, my deceased loved ones.

One simply cannot argue with God and win. He gives and He takes away. And He took away last Saturday night, such a man as Jim. He is greatly missed especially by my sister as it was her husband. God bless her tonight and every night to come as the holidays are particularly hard for our loved ones who have lost someone…

I get to visit my dad this next week and it has been 8 or 9 months! I am so flipping excited! We get to hold hands through a glass with gloves on. And how I will hold him so tight. I haven’t dreamed of this in a million years!

God is good to allow me to still have my parents. and if they are gone tomorrow I will suffer a while but life will go on and i have much prepared for the time of their demise. I have my husband and children and best friend during all of this.

But i have felt the craving for death to be quite honest.

But I am not actively suicidal so happy about that.

Joy for time with my children today. Joy for celebrations of being a mom for 29 years tomorrow! Happy birthday Matthew Christian! and Gary….

pax

Victoria

In a quandary…

I’m stuck right now…

things were moved into my meditation room and it is really upsetting me, the dogs don’t know where to lay down. One finally chose the bed ha ha

In extreme grief over my brother in law. It’s not the same as a friend passing. No it is much more for me and especially my sister…this man carried the family especially since my father had his stroke and the baton had been passed down to Jimmy my brother in law who happens to be messing with me from heaven. Oh Jim! How I miss you so much already. But let me be about my business.

I unashamedly communicate with the dead. I know i know I need to see my psychiatrist sooner rather than later. I did call today to get an earlier appointment than 11/17. we shall see…

I’m not hearing voices but am very aware of Jim’s spirit filling the house with love and life and messages to all of us. Please help my daughter Jim. Or is this how it is supposed to be?

Chess games with my adult son, some talking, strategy developement discussion and the like. good yet sad times for our family right now…

My life is discombobulated if that be a word. checking, it is. a mess, so much to do and thrown off the usual path today.

My eldest son’s birthday is Saturday. Must pull it together to help make it special.

Blessings peace to all of you

pax

victoria

R.I.P. JAMES 11-7-2020

Jimmy was a magnanimous man, big guy, full of love and heart, who loved my sister with all that he was…

He was always full of antics whether it was falling in the pool from the upper rock and everyone yelling SHAMOO, egging him on, and he would mostly happily oblige and get everybody and everything all wet. and then do it again. God I loved that antic.

There were more too. Always making funny sounds with my sister’s and his funny language. They were something else how much they would dote on each other. I don’t ever remember which one of them who would dote on the other more. They took care of each other, watched out for each other. They were soulmates.

How my sister will go on without him I am not sure but she is one tough bitch if needed so hopefully she will let us all know. I hope we get closer but don’t like the way that this might come about. I didn’t want him to die. No I offered my life for his but too late me thinks. I offered more too, we shall see if God accepts my offering.

It’s funny though as I sat in vigil the past two or 3 days at my house with candles lit and incense, just praying, while my sister sat at her house next to Jimmy. Either last night or this morning I felt the knowledge that “it is over, it is over”. I checked facebook this morning and there was a post there from his daughter , a tribute to her dad. And that was how I found out but I already knew. My sis in law called shortly after and in shock all day.

Took a trip around town with my dear daughter. Brought the pup and it was good. We laughed and cried and got starbucks with a puppercinno for my dog Butter. and i sang for her a sarah bareilles song…bittersweet moments with my favorite people on earth. Told my sons. hugged one of them for five minutes…

Hoping that by getting some of these thoughts out on here I will process my grief faster. It takes me three days to get over bad news. My husband said don’t grieve too much. I said how much is too much? he said he didn’t know. so I am fighting between the tears and lack of movement. And it is a cold day plus our heater broke! ordered one on amazon but it hasn’t arrived yet.

I have found my mission I believe, we shall see how the planets align. I want to spread a message of hope for all those with schizophrenia to fight the statistic that stands against us. I don’t want to die by suicide but still at times suicide does cross my mind. I don’t want to ever put my kids through this or my husband or family so I am going to take the next month to really research ways to fight this statistic. Does anybody know how high it is for people with schizophrenia?

let the research begin…

peace, love and light and joy to all

pax

Victoria

Dedication and thoughts tonight…

Bittersweet day, celebrating and such sadness for my brother-in-law who is on the verge of passing. I don’t do well with mixed emotions.

Happy that I am proud to be an American again!

But sad at the thought that my sister will be alone and that she is ok during these last few moments of her husband’s life on this earth.

I am ok though but not doing much today or yesterday as I am holding my own vigil over here for them since I can’t be with her or talk to her right now. The end is coming quick yet it is delayed. Hospice is surprised he made it through the nights. God’s timing and nobody else’s. God is good. I shall praise him in death, birth, and all in between.

For a minute I thought I wanted to be a death doula. But I can’t I know now and that’s ok because I can pray at least. Hard to pray right now. I feel like every action, every key I stroke and every breath I take is for them and for our nation, to no longer be divided.

Shall I publish this post?

Sure why not!

I dedicate this post to my brother in law and my sister.

peace, love, joy and light to all,

pax

Victoria

Morning musing cont…

Morning, as it does, has become evening and I am quite somber tonight reflecting upon the gift of life that God has bestowed upon us all. He can take this gift away or not, it is up to Him. When He wants us home, I shall not delay but jump in His arms and finally get to see Him face to face.

It has been a long day as I sit her in the peace of the night, dog breathing softly next to me asleep in her bed and the other one, my princess, is atop the bed in my meditation room where I sleep and spend much of my day reflecting upon life and listening to the usual, Jason Mraz in his beachlife festival in the Philippines 2019. How I pray for you Philippines!

Not a usual day but got something done and fed me and the family so that’s good. Much sadness mixed with this anticipatory grief at my brother in laws impending death. Pray with me for a miracle. I do want him to remain a while longer for my sister’s sake especially. He is magnanimous and I love him. He’s a good one for sure.

I no longer welcome death, no I send out to the universe vibes of longevity for all to be in God’s will. I used to want to die but I have many protective factors that reduce my chance at suicide among people with schizophrenia. Tomorrow I will write in the am about protective factors.

pax

victoria

Writers block…

I am at an impasse- to write or not to write is the question for tonight.

My sister’s husband is dying at home surrounded by loved ones and near my sister who is his best friend and soulmate. They think the same and if they don’t he will adjust. My sister can be very controlling but I love her and feel just so terrible for her at this time.

So the dilemma I face is if I should write her a letter or not. When I was psychotic I wrote prolifically and have since destroyed it all. I haven’t written much since… did write a book that took 8 years or more really not sure but no matter, I did complete something. I have such strong emotions still that I am afraid I will betray myself. Dear God please guide.

I am just so sad today. I got to see my bro in law and got to pray with and for him. Tears were not held back today…prayed for a miracle. He said it was a good prayer, “a good one” verbatim. I wish I could do more…

pax

Victoria

Embracing my shadows…

Life is funny really, what may seem to some as the worse thing in the world, may be not what it seems but something else altogether…

It could be something awesome too and while I should focus on that as part of my f**ing new positive self talk suggestion. I find it tedious and completely unnecessary. So I will give you some of my darkness, my weirdness, my shadows.

I believe that I am the most special person to ever live.

I was told at age 8, sitting in the backseat of our family car, eyes fixated upon the bridge we were crossing and I heard very clearly, “You are special”.

And then at a much later time I was told the previous statement by Mary the Mother of God.

But I was actively psychotic so can’t really trust it but it’s there when I think of it and this is how I feel about it~

This is a huge burden or at least it used to be until this very moment. and I find myself trying to embrace this shadow, this embarrassment if it is true and the same otherwise. I can’t do it fully but I am moving in the right direction towards acceptance first and then to not hating it, and then to liking it (current position) and finally to embracing it, not there yet…

That being writ, I must confess it is pretty awesome at times when things happen outside of me confirming this to be true. God touching down at the perfect timing undeniably so. I was born on 10/16 at 10:16, my ss number ends in 7777. I have held the face of Mary in my own face, I was given the gift of schizophrenia in 2006, I earned my masters in psychology post-diagnosis in 2012. I went on disability permanent in 2015. I survived and actually thrived in 2020, but not working outside the home still and rightfully so.

When I try to work weird things happen but alas those are stories for another day.

It is time for me to go to my journal and my sacred space wherever I end up tonight in my home. I love my home. I am blessed to have a home. Was homeless once, another tale.

I like tales but must obey.

pax

Victoria

death is a mere separation between here and there…

We’ve got a lot to learn about death and once we are dead we don’t have anyway to convey the beauty of heaven back to our loved ones but I know they live on…

I have had some recent wonderful experiences with my dear friend and her deceased husband speaking through me to her on more than one occasion. The veil is thin folks between life and death. When God wants us home we shall not delay. I will not, I will run into Jesus’ arms and throw myself at His feet. And there I shall lay for a while, at peace at last.

This disorder won’t exist in heaven. I will be made whole again. We all will. And if you dont believe I will believe for you. I have faith to spare in large amounts. God is so good at guiding me in all I do.

It has not always been so though. I was a lost child just not that long ago. Chasing experiences like the wind. Hoping for time alone with God in the way I am able to reach Him now. Which is no longer unusual. NO the messages are rare if ever and the peace I have in my heart is lasting.

Now that I know I am an empath and what one is. I can deflect negative energy mentally or with the usage of my crystals. It is wonderful to be in control of my thoughts. Ridding my mind of thoughts that do not serve me or anybody to speak of for that matter.

Life is good these days with a few exceptions. Sick, near death family members and others like my parents living on the prayers of others like fumes from the fire.

Peace, love light and joy to all of you,

pax

Victoria

Mental health tips 102…

Welcome!

You can see my first post on mental health tips 101 here.

But I wanted to add to this blog so here are my best tips on how to keep your mental state in the best state.

Have fun! Make fun, do fun, be fun. Laugh a lot and then laugh till it hurts some more. Make light of the difficulties, make peace with your past. Break loose! There are so many ways!

This week I took my pup to the doggie beach with my family and it was hot and fun and great. tomorrow I am dying my hair with my daughter’s help. Tonight, I sat in the garden and called a friend. She didn’t answer but that’s ok, I still tried to reach out. The idea is to break out of any rut we may be in and even though we might have many chores every day to be sure to include some fun activities in the mix.

Sleep is not overrated. Make a schedule that works for your bodies’ needs and stick to it. I have finally mastered my sleep schedule. I go to sleep between 11:30pm and 12:30am and wake up at 8am-9am. I do some of my best thinking at night when the house is quiet and everyone else is asleep except my son. But we have some great late night chats or rather philosophical discussions. It’s great.

Finding a hobby that works for you. I have already talked so much about my favorite hobbies that I will not repeat them all but gardening is still the highest ranking. Still trying to get to learning the guitar but we shall see. There it sits by itself. so sad.

Have a mantra! Mine is I am good, I am holy, I am humbled by my missteps. I never try to hurt anyone, I do a lot of good in the world, but I mess up sometimes and am learning to love my shadows and make peace with them.

I emit to the universe what it is I desire. And sit back and watch the miracles occur. It is amazing how one person can make an imprint on their own future. Try it!

Write! Journal, blog, text, whatever medium works for you. get your thoughts out, it is cathartic!

well that is 102

blessings,

pax

Victoria

Mental health tips 101~

In the spirit of mental health day yesterday, I wish to blog about what makes me feel ok especially in these unprecedented times. I like making lists. Feel free to copy mine or share how you track the best ways to keep your mental health state sharp.

FOOD- healthy tasty food, helps the brain and body to be in sync. Helps spiritually, mentally and physically on many levels. ate healthy today and feeling better

exercise- getting regular exercise benefits the brain, especially my mental outlook on the day. Keeps me fit and often when I walk I pray my rosary…

intellectual stimulation- keeps the brain functioning at higher levels, not just speaking of teaching institutions, but of reading good books which for me means many classics but also metaphysical. Our brains need stimulation beyond facebook and instagram and video games (which are ok in moderation). Being on my phone is a challenge or not being on there rather. So much to say here but keeping the list moving.

learning about my emotions- and trusting them. Today I am hopeful for many reasons and joyful because my birthday is coming up.

connections- with loved ones, strangers, animals, plants and all of Mother Earth but most importantly with God or whatever you call the Source of all that is good.

meds- take em and don’t stop without your doctor’s supervision. I know I need mine the rest of my life but taking supplements now that greatly increase my productivity levels.

avoiding toxic people and situations- easy for me as I am mainly a homebody. I have learned how to deal with negative family members, just have them talk about themselves without any judgement. Keeps the focus off of my life and people love to talk about themselves.

Can’t think of anymore but these are my most important thoughts in terms of taking care of my mental health.

peace, love joy and light to all! Welcome all countries and peoples around the globe!

pax

Victoria

Musings of the moment…

A good day for sure…learning to navigate murky waters.

Looking for the good in all people, places and things isn’t that hard if one considers the life that God gave us and it is up to us to fulfill our mission, whatever that may be…

For me I like to help out the homeless because I was once homeless too. I remember when a kind stranger would give me some spare change, while I was living on the streets of NYC. I would always be so grateful to buy that slice of pizza. My meal for the day if I was lucky.

Still not sure if I was pre-schizophrenia at that time or not. I was 18 at the time but I engaged in many dangerous behaviours from 13 to 20. Then got married to the most wonderful man, had three kids and home-schooled them but then developed schizophrenia at age 36, which was in 2006.

I have tried working but it never works out so I am on permanent disability since 2015. I also earned my masters in psychology and bachelors in sociology circa 2010 post diagnosis.

Life these days consists of lots of at home time. Connections are the most important thing to me, with my family and friends and strangers, with my pups and all animals and nature….

I don’t read much but enjoy a good show and love working with crystals. Life is too short for regrets and today I have no regrets. Missteps I like to call them but embracing these shadows and trying to live the life God intended.

I don’t hear from God anymore, which the silence is welcome but do still wonder how life would have been different if this or that…

Trying to spread positivity at every level from self love to patience with myself first and then others. Embracing who I am because I am the only “ME”.

peace love and joy and now light to all

pax

Victoria

This is me…

I am enough, more than enough; I do not need to dwell on my past experiences to solve them. Sorry AA but inventorying life just doesn’t serve me anymore.

I use crystals’ energy now, garden, cook, clean, tidy (there is a difference), connect with family, friends and strangers who you never know who will become a good friend. I also take my meds and supplements every single bingle day.

This is me…

I don’t feel I need therapy anymore except my free grief one working through anticipatory grief around my dad’s declining health. But he turns 83 next month! I love him so much and dedicate this blog to his health, physical, mental and spiritual.

I love my mom too and am so glad I still have her in my life although she still drives me crazy at times haha. Will really miss them both when they are gone. sad face:(

I try to use my time wisely so will keep this brief.

I have a mental health disorder and am doing pretty damn good. I am enough. I embrace my shadows and am no longer afraid for what the future may hold…

This year has changed so much.

My heart is heavy tonight.

This is me…

it comes and goes this heaviness

for the world.

pax

Victoria

Psychotic episode from 2007…

Things were intensifying. Many messages and late nights feeling the heavy presence of God. No drugs, no alcohol, but some stress of my grandma’s passing may have induced schizophrenia/schizoaffective disorder. Dx’ed in 2008.

Things other people take for granted became next to impossible like going to the store. Visits from God at these times or my disorder in full psychotic state, not sure really but it was pretty cool except for the time when~

I was walking down the spice packet aisle at my local grocery store and suddenly the command came to buy one of each. I ignored it at first but suddenly I found myself melting to the store if I did not do this weird thing. I hate to ever cause a scene so after several attempts to ignore what I thought to be God testing my obedience, I did it. I felt the paralyzing of my limbs when I tried to ignore the strong inner command.

$200 later I was leaving the store with bags of spice packets half of which I gave to a friend who I believed had shared psychotic disorder. Paralyzing, commands and testing are not of God I believe. I know now it was this dastard bleeping disorder. And luckily enough, do not have psychotic experiences since started taking goterpy cbd oil full spectrum the past few years.

I voluntarily entered UCLA in January of 2008 and the minute I started taking anti-psychotics meds the symptoms began to cease. The messages stopped mostly. God does break through at times in important things such as certain friendships and others I get the green light.

I must now release these terrible memories and do some cord cutting with my quartz crystal tonight, when the house is quiet…

Wishing you all recovery, peace and love

pax

Victoria

Feeling groovey…

This is a lighter post tonight. Life has been heavy lately and I have finally gotten a break!

I’m doing ok, maybe a little better than ok at times and tonight has been good. A much easier day than yesterday. Ate some artichokes which I haven’t cooked for years. They remind me of childhood, so much work! But good in the end…

I did spend a lot of time with my daughter today so that certainly helped. Hubbie is gone and yesterday was yesterday but it got me really appreciating him with his loudness and messiness. I miss him! Talked to him today but couldn’t really hear as it was noisy on his end. Looking forward to his return and my dogs miss him too! He has good energy…

I have been enjoying the two new books and it is a fight over which one I will read next. I’ve been a little lazy with hubbie gone. But he’s relaxing so I don’t feel bad. The house is tidy but as usual dishes in the sink. I have gotten in the practice of doing them at night so I can wake up to a clean kitchen so off I will go in a bit.

I am excited for this Sunday. I am going to go on an in person outing with my friends at Safe Haven 20 miles away. It should be fun but trying not to get too anxious about socializing with these new people in my life. We are walking to a touristy coffee shop, so I’ll get some exercise in as well as some socializing not on Zoom! The world is opening up. Do you feel it too? It’s a bit scary for me but not going to muse about that tonight.

Gardening tomorrow is planned and visiting with my mom and dad:) Also working on downloading the digitized memories I got after sending in 14 mini video tapes from 29 years and more recent like ten years. I used imemories and after everything it cost me $150 Us dollars. I haven’t watched them all but it will be a trip down memory lane. The little I have watched has been wonderful of my children when they were little and not so little.

It’s amazing how much we forget. So much is constantly happening with periods of rest and relaxation.

This is making me think that I need to really make the most of my time on this earth. There goes the light post! Sorry but it is my mind! I choose life, I choose hope, I choose love, love, love.

peace love light and joy

Victoria

what is going on?…

drrama never ends over here! much today…latest incident i hit my hand on the door and now icing it so typing with my left hand ha ha i am addicted to blogging

mild food poisoning twice, my mom is upset with me and problems with a close family member mentally who is hospitalized and it may be DID disorder…wow

are these days to be considered normal, is anyone else seeing a spike in mental health crisises in families? I sure am and I am one of them. I didn’t share my own difficulties with my daughter in law but did share what I could and was glad to talk to my son too and offer support when I am falling apart. They can’t ever know because I want them to count on me as the very best grandma I can be. They don’t need to hear my drama. I don’t want to hear my drama. If I’m still falling apart come October when the baby is due, I will have to tell them. But they are counting on me to babysit and today I can barely take care of myself and my pups…

All I want is peace and quiet. One day though as the music is blaring to a very quiet empty house…

Typing with both hands now, hand feeling better after icing it but looks like I damaged a blood vessel in two parts of my hand.

Super excited to share that I am back reading again! I started reading a new book called “How to do the work” by author Nichole LePera and following her on instagram. Her handle is holistic psychologist (3.9 million followers!) and I really am into the book, which is also available on Audible. I got the book from Safe Haven and am finding it more helpful than therapy the bit I have read. We shall see…

I’m not happy entirely with my new therapist. She has helped some to sort through some stuff from my childhood but I find her forgetful and distracted.

Anyway, doing the best I can with what I’ve been given. I have many gifts to share and I do when I can. Little ways, big ways, a kind smile under the mask (both kinds of masks).

But I have figured something out from the book I started today~

My busyness I thought was a reflection on how I am doing,

but I have learned today that it is not.

It is a distraction from dealing with unhealed childhood trauma.

I am really thinking about this and I hope it makes sense. Today I have not been able to be busy due to food poisining and today has sucked until tonight. I thrive at night. At least I got the dishes done! My hand is throbbing right now.

I also just received the book recommended by one of my faithful followers (thanks again), called You will Never be Normal. It’s out in my mailbox. I love getting new books that sometimes resonate with me and if they don’t I don’t finish them.

Why can’t life be this simple. On page everything is nice and tidy but life sure can be messy.

Glad I am good at figuring things out!

peace love light and joy

Victoria

Midnight musings part two…it’s a boy!

Learned the gender today and found out it is a boy! I am having a grandson in October named David!!! Beyond excited. He is healthy and growing and doing great!

So tonight’s obsession is about my husband. He is chaotic to say the least. He always is loud except when drunk or asleep and has fifty things going on at a time. He thrives on it really. Kind of funny in a not so funny way.

Well, anyway, remember my busy life from now till November? well add in a week long trip to Mexico with my husband, daughter and mother in law.

Wow!

I am pushing through life. I make love not war in all situations.

Bless you all! Sorry short musings but had to share my happy news and reality of my husband.

peace love light and joy

Victoria

Spread the love…

This is my mission today despite whatever…

Spreading sunshine in the garden today was lovely. I played fetch with my pups and watered the flowers and some of the veggies. I woke up to a dreary day, with a nightmare to boot. But the sun came out and enjoyed it on my face.

It is not hard to love people, but it is hard to like them at times I have found. And the people we are with the most we find the most irritating. This is where I am at today.

I typically love to spoil my family. But today I am feeling depleted of energy to overlook our shortcomings. Reminders of failure forever beckon my mind as I push them out with “shutup”. Maybe I need to be more kind to them too but my negative nelly aka my mind fights hard to stay on track with a healthier way of thinking.

I am trying though to stop all negative thought reels that forever play in my mind on days such as this.

How do you stop from negativity getting the best of you?

Off to find inspiration somewhere!

My key on my car broke so towing it to the dealer 30 miles away (ouch). Our bad because we should have had a spare key many moons ago.

peace love light and joy

Victoria

the bane of my existence just got better…

So with all that has been happening, I no longer believe this will be an easy year.

I’d like to think that it will, but it is soooooo hard.

So I have decided to really get obsessed with fun things, for starters it’s my daughter’s birthday month so fun times planned with her and father’s day. A small party over here with all who love her the most and good grub! Already began the spoiling, special treats, presents and new garden furniture (only $100 used off Facebook) where she can work at when she is home working and where I will be relaxing too. It gives me great joy this month that I get to bless her with something every day. May be a note or sticker. It makes my days funner.

And today I decided that I am going to throw the baby shower for my daughter-in-law! It is going to be Luau style withh a pig cooked in the ground and everything! I am a little nervous as I have never thrown a baby shower before and I don’t know if it is my place but no one else was stepping up and mom to be was starting to plan it and I just want her to enjoy it all! I didn’t help with my baby showers at all! I will be calling in my sister in law who is more like a sister, who has probably thrown over a hundred. She will be a great help.

So now that I have projects that I truly enjoy I am no longer suffering as much. We are also going to Hawaii in September, staying in my sister’s timeshares. And then baby to be born October. Much good!

Oh there’s plenty of stuff to complain about but I choose to focus on the good. I might visit my dad today, which is never easy, but glad to have a little more time with him.

Enjoy your Sunday!

peace, love light and joy

Victoria

I’ve never wanted an easy life but a break every now and then would be nice…

I do get breaks don’t get me wrong but it seems lately that I am constantly putting out fires as my dad would say.

I have been severly depressed, stressed, and to top it off trip to doctor for “massive bladder infection” said the doc. Feeling like crap but better today a bit so back to writing for me.

Writing is a good friend if that makes sense. Haven’t been journaling at all because I was taking care of my son’s dog who finally went home after two weeks. A huge 9 month old puppy! So relieved…

I push through despite the constant fires I have to put out. My husband is awesome thankfully and rolls with all the punches pretty well. I have not shared with him my DID disorder diagnosis. He can barely handle if you can call it that my Schizoaffective Disorder, but because it is well managed, I know that helps everyone. I do not stop taking my meds no matter what!

I had to run an emergency errand to bring medicine to my mom today when all I wanted to do was chill. So I chose to make it fun and it was. After getting it to her, letting my sister know she had it, and taking a deep breath, I went to Dutch Bros which is a local new coffee spot that we treat ourselves to when things are getting better. It also happened to be my daughter’s birthday month so I spoiled her and her coworker to coffee which helped them get through a lawyer thing. So cool! They appreciated it in spades and I enjoyed my drink as well.

Came home, air fried some chicken with mac n cheese for my son and myself then hung out with my husband a bit and then with him and his friends. They have bbqs over here every Friday night and now that I am vaccinnated I am trying to be more social.

Back inside after longer than usual but can only hear about cars for too long! I have a pile of dishes and laundry but there’s later as the night is young here in California.

Wondering if life will ever settle down but with a grandbaby on the way it may not.

I’d say the best thing I did for me today was to turn a difficult situation of having to help my mom and not feeling great myself and choosing to celebrate my daughter and get over social anxiety at the bbq.

Have a great weekend everyone

peace love light and joy to all!

Victoria

Oh love in sadness…

I am filled with joy 🥲 tonight after a pretty good day! Joy that I am visiting my dad again easier now that COVID restrictions have lifted. He’s still on hospice but every moment I get to spend time with him is a precious gift to both of us.

Joy that my new therapist is helping me already! Just saying it all to a professional was a great release of all my frustration over the past month!

Joy that my son and daughter-in-law will be back tomorrow and pick up their puppy.

Joy that my newest book “ A Year without fear” by Tama Kieves which is 365 days of 5 minute mind set shifts, is something I am enjoying. One nugget I got was to choose a new comfort. So I did. I did a yoga class today and took my pup on a half hour walk. I also played a little in the garden 🪴

This is progress as I actually almost enjoyed the movement of yoga but learned I like to do my own thing too. And the walk was perfect 👌 made a healthy dinner tonight and ate all my veggies!

I can see the light again and it feels good 😌

Peace love light and joy

Victoria