Update: getting used to deep emotions and finding a good balance on new medicine…

Unfolding before me is a new lease on life thanks to Clozapine.  Since increasing my dosage to 50 mg I have had an increased sense of balance and well being.  I see my psychiatrist next week and am so glad to have a good report.

Getting used to my feelings without drowning them in vices…

Closer to God than ever.  I pray the rosary every day and even now it has new meaning.  Time with God and Mary and all the wonderful saints.

I am willing to continue this new life.  I have been connecting with family too which is awesome.  Family is everything to me.  My friends are right there too though.  It is good to have both really.

Life is so wonderful!  I feel more like my old self every day.  Hate to go to bed lol.




Beyond the yellow brick road….

I so desperately want this medicine to work.  I find myself fantasizing that I am no longer ill, but stable and able to hold down a job even if it’s an easy one.  I dream of the day when this disorder no longer controls me.


So far the new medicine is helping with:

connecting to family God and friends more and feeling deep emotions

I am hungrier again (gotta watch that one, don’t want to regain all my weight)

no longer delusional, don’t believe I am the greatest person to ever live anymore.  What a relief!

using music as a major coping skill while I sift through the laziness or drowsiness caused by the new and old med

How I am still suffering

unmotivated at times to do the simplest of tasks

feeling overmedicated being on three antipsychotic meds

poor memory, and judgement

question every decision many times


May God bless you all as He has me!



The waiting game…

Hello to all!

One week on Clozapine now and much is going on while I wait to increase it next week and then slowly wean off my other medications.  I have high hopes that I will be much better on this medication.  It has been a long emotional week and then some depression set in today, mild though.  Anxiety was at its peak yesterday and there was nothing to stress me out.  I don’t like that but did have a job interview scheduled for today which I canceled until next week.  I am pretty much praying for a miracle.  It is a job I have always wanted but I might not be ready yet with the adjustments so I am taking it day by day and will decide next week if I am at a better place to work again.

So so far it is a waiting game.

Being mentally disordered sucks!!!!!!


Vi ctoria

a sad post…..medication helping to feel deep emotions

Today I saw my dad…..he is paralyzed on his left side after two strokes last year July 2, 2016.

He is not always coherent but today was priceless…

I just love my dad so so much and miss our long visits over coffee with him going on and on about whatever was on his mind, advice, observations, secret holder my dad!

I told him I was hearing voices of Jesus and he never told till later after my life unraveled.  I could trust him with anything and everything and trust him I did…

but no more and this makes me so sad…he almost died twice and yet he is still with us in this new limited capacity… but I will take it God, I accept he will never be back to where he was before, so today was special.

We sat by a fountain at the care facility where he lives and called a few people and then he began to just talk to me…in a low but clear voice, advising me as he once did with words from the gospel to be Jesus’ sheep.  we sat a while…and then he was done.

I have been taking Clozapine now for 3 days and I have not felt such deep emotions for a very long time….Can’t wait until it is increased and I can stop taking my other anti-psychotics!

Hope you all are doing well!




Stress brought on new relapse, going to start Clozapine Monday!

Hello to all!

Stress, as I have written about before, is my biggest enemy with this disorder.  This time it was helping a family member that caused me to relapse into a world of my own.  Oh I look fine on the outside except I am dressed very warm because I am need the warmth right now.

So I went to see my psychiatrist last week and I asked if we could try Clozapine.  He said, “oh the big gun”.  I never knew it was called that.  I wonder why he didn’t try it before after all here I am and I can’t even hold down a job.  But after all the rigmarole I understand now why he did not prescribe it sooner.

First you have to do bloodwork every week for a period and then biweekly and then I believe monthly.  They have to monitor my white blood count to make sure it doesn’t go too low.  So I did that the next day.  Then I go to the pharmacy and they didn’t have it in stock so they sent it to another pharmacy I have never dealt with and they shall be nameless but their service is less to be desired than my regular pharmacy Walmart.

So I am working with my pharmacy and they say I have to be in some registry for this special drug… I had to wait for my busy doctor to enroll me and by the time he did it was too late to get my medicine on Friday and they won’t update the registry until Monday so Monday it is.

I am staying close to home, trying to use my coping skills right now because I feel so unwell.  I have had to disclose my disorder to a few people since I had to stop helping this family member who needs a lot of help and attention.  I had to step back due to her negativity.

I am surrounding myself with positive people and vaping my cbd oil which has helped in the past and helped me to get these thoughts out on here in my safe blog.  I am listening to my fave music, Jason Mraz, who is so amazing.

My son and daughter have also been here with me every step, believing in me and supporting me.  My husband doesn’t get it but is being as understanding as he can be.

I haven’t visited my dad since Monday but may go tomorrow if I feel up to it.  I’m taking it easy right now, being very gentle with myself and trying to stay positive.  I have heard great things about this medicine so I have hope that next week may bring some needed relief.



Times are tough… yet thank you to all!

First had to quit my job, too stressful at a busy store.  Also, my mom needs my help right now after her knee surgery.  But I like to work so I am not going to give up on getting a lower stress part time job:)

Been getting a lot of emails lately though which really helps me to get out of my own life and work at expanding knowledge of this dastard disorder!  I am going to be doing an interview with Health360 along with Josh Rivedal whose book I wrote a chapter in, along with 49 other mentally afflicted individuals.  The book IM’possible Project  comes out in November so that is perfect timing for an interview.  I like doing them, voice only though, no camera for me.

I also connected with a lovely lady whose story I have known about for years but we finally connected today and it was great to talk to someone else who has gone through recovery from this disorder…  Very refreshing and the beginning of what I think will be a great friendship.  If you want to know her story check it out at:


And here is a link to her nonprofit, the CURESZ Foundation: https://curesz.org/

The great part about keeping a blog for so many years is that it comes in waves working with others either with others afflicted, or researchers and students, and can’t forget about the loved ones who suffer as much as us if not more because most of them are mothers but also include sisters too.  I am feeling nostalgic.  There have been some great memories with this blog.  I don’t regret one post and appreciate every like and comment:)  I answer all my emails and though we may part ways down the road I hope we are both richer for the connection…



Reentering the workforce very slowly…

Happy Saturday and weekend to all!

I am chilling with Jason Mraz but will get busy soon as I have a lot on my list of things to do…

I start my new very part time job on Tuesday, working ten hours for Macy’s, training this week for twelve hours and then ability to work more hours after that.  I am kind of excited though and love the fact that I get to wear all my nice fashionable work clothes again which I saved.

Working even 40 hours at minimum wage will not affect my permanent disability which I should find out soon if I qualify or not.  God’s will be done in all things though.  If I don’t get it I will have to really think about what I am going to do with my time…  Not too worried, it all somehow works out in the end always anyways.

Here is my list of things to do today~

Make lavendar goat soap

Give the dogs a bath

eat lunch

visit my mom in the hospital

visit my dad at extended care

Walmart for prescription and return


Walk 30 minutes


Home to downsize file cabinet and get bedroom ready for all new furniture my husband’s sister is giving us!

Whew!  Hope I get it all done but if not there is always tomorrow…and with that I will leave my readers with an Irish blessing!

May the road rise up to meet you.
May the wind be always at your back.
May the sun shine warm upon your face;
the rains fall soft upon your fields
and until we meet again,
may God hold you in the palm of His hand.