Negative symptoms of schizophrenia and ginkgo…

As I have previously written, I have had a terrific breakthrough since last year dealing with the negative symptoms of schizophrenia/schizoaffective disorder by starting to take ginkgo bilboa by way of Shaklee Mental Acuity. Well my discovery was totally validated recently when I stumbled across a study on different interactions with herbs and schizophrenia. Allow me to take you on my recent path.

I was googling honeybush tea and schizophrenia to make sure that it was recommended. Well I didn’t find the tea but it is a wonderful pick me up for those low moments in the day! Instead I found proof of the wonderful benefits of this herb for those affected with this disorder.

The title of the study is called Updates and Additions for Herbal Contraindications & Drug Interactions plus Herbal Adjuncts with Medicines, fourth edition by Francis Brinker, N.D. He or she writes, ” A systematic review of ginkgo as an adjunct to antipsychotics in treating chronic schizophrenia assesses 8 randomized, placebo-controlled, double-blind studies with 1033 patients enrolled, including 571 using ginkgo extract and 462 taking placebo. Ginkgo extract with antipsychotics significantly amelioreted [made better] total and negative symptoms, compared to placebo, with no distinguishable differences in adverse effects.” Guys beware though who take Risperdone with taking this supplement. I take Risperdone and have no adverse affects.

If you wish to read more about negative symptoms just hit my search feature to the left of the title of my blog.

I have much more to say about this but I’m tired so will post this and share more soon.

peace, love light and joy

Victoria

Monday Morning Musings…

Good morning!

I am very hyper today because I finally get to start working on my 7 ebooks. It has been 2 weeks of many changes so I am seeing a new Reiki healer/crystal healer tonight to help me balance my chakras with all the new changes-quitting nicotine (it’s getting easier to smoke weed without the nicotine), quitting alcohol and bad sugar, basically a vegetarian now.

I am very pleased with my new life so can embark again on my writing projects. I have organized it all and ask for positive vibes, prayers, thoughts for me to be able to bring it all together.

I am still looking for input on some of the ebooks. So far I have pieces of writing from my readers on: food and mental health, beauty and mental health and exercise and mental health. I am still looking for people with a mental health disorder to help me out with my other ebooks on surviving the pandemic and mental health, having a spiritual practice and mental health, cleanliness and mental health and my favorite (well they are all my favorite actually) writing and mental health.

Please the time for publication is approaching with no pressure on my part but the sooner I can get everyone who is interested in helping others with a mental health disorder to participate the better. The time is now is my motto today. Reading about zen living is helping me to find my bearings and focus on what is most important right now. Allow me to explain…

One of the exercises in “Idiots guide to zen living” is to write out everything you want to do. I wrote a lot including learning Japanese and redecorating the house. Then they had me narrow down the list to the top 5 things to be your priority and to scratch the rest off the list. I did this and ended up with these 5 things to work on every day~

NURTURING MY RELATIONSHIPS

EATING HEALTHY

WRITING MY 7 EBOOKS

GARDENING

AND LAST AND LEAST MEDITATING 15 MINUTES A DAY

I actually had to get up and look at my list because I couldn’t remember what the fifth item was so I guess it isn’t really that important. So off I go to write some more. I shall be back soon. Bless you all!

peace love light and joy

Victoria

Passively suicidal at a thought of life without…

What is the one thing you cannot do without? It used to be coffee and vaping nicotine but now it is weed. The thought of living without it makes me want to rather be dead than alive. Rejection, loss, sadness, fear, isolation, rejection from one person who understands me. Is it addiction or rather just a way to feel normal? To relieve stress and relax?

Nothing’s going to stop me but divine intervention.

I get a lot done in a day. Today wasted 2.5 hours on a program to quit weed. Didn’t work. Why do I think so much about quitting? Would you all really like to know? Rather I title this blog as “God told me to quit 3 times” and try to understand why now even though I don’t believe it does me harm in any way except when I think of quitting. I shall gladly share if even one person likes this post…

peace love light and joy

victoria

Late night musings…

It’s late and today was another good solid day of work, relaxation and everything in between.. I am no longer getting the brain mapping done. I shall explain below.

I am decidedly a much happier person no longer vaping nicotine or weed or drinking any alcohol. I am now working on my diet, not going on a diet, those don’t work, but eating when I am hungry whole plant -based foods 99% of the time. When I need to be sociable, I will eat meat or fish and have small amounts of cheese but no processed foods or sugar for this gal…

It’s amazing but it is so true that when the student is ready the teacher will come. My teacher was in the form of the passed on Allen Carr may his soul rest in peace, who wrote all the books that have unanimously helped me to understand and overcome addiction.

For instance it is a myth that we have addictive personalities. I always used this as an excuse for my using and drinking among other vices, but no more… I used to be addicted to those things but no more, I have been set free and I am elated as he promises in his books.

Here is my list of books I listened to on audible and the progression of what the last week looked like for me. It’s kind of really hilarious when I think of it but hey much progress in short time.

Allen Carr is the author of all these books

  1. Easyway to stop smoking (including vaping)- I was terrified to give up this addiction but I learned from this book that the myth that quitting is hard is really just that a myth. I read about this book but was skeptical but finally gave it a listen and he encourages one to smoke or vape during reading or listening to the book so there are no distractions. He also says to be successful one has to follow all the instructions which I did and even though once I realized that all that vaping was doing was giving me a head rush and causing me much anxiety and didn’t even want that final vape, I did it and gladly dumped all my vaping paraphernalia in the trash outside. FREEDOM. It was easy and all I had to do when I had a craving was to really embrace that I no longer do that and that it was a sign that my mortal enemy was dying, the little monster, the vape and the big monster is my head which is utterly convinced I will never pick up again. I had quit alcohol Feb 14th, got awesome news that changed my life, and knew I had to do this for myself… quit weed soon after and then quit vaping 3 days later. Not a miracle, just followed his instructions to a t.
  2. Easy way to control your drinking- surprise ending but no longer have any desire to put that toxin in my body but if I want a drink I can, I just don’t want to anymore he he.
  3. Easy way to lose weight, Easy way for women to lose weight and today just finished Good Sugar Bad Sugar which I probably should of started with. I had my final meal of my favorite pizza and a pepsi and made my solemn vow to never eat junk again. I will share more on this in a week or so after implementing the necessary changes to the way I eat!
  4. Easy way to mindfulness- this audible book is helping me to now stay in the present moment more calmly. Not quite finished with it but it’s there whenever I need more inspiration!

So that has been my week. 30 hours of listening on my phone to one of the most easy to understand authors and follow along taking notes when needed. Today if someone asked me that silly question if you could spend one hour on a park bench with one person from history it would be Allen Carr! Email me if you want a free audible book on any of the ones I wrote about. It’s free and would love for my readers to benefit too especially if one cannot afford to purchase the books.

That’s all tonight. Tomorrow starts my work again writing the 7 Ebooks. Please if you have any suggestions on any of the topics I wrote about originally mental health and …… or helpful ways you have overcome addiction or any other mental health related topic please email me at: victoriamariealonso@yahoo.com and thank you to all who have already shared their favorite tips of coping during this pandemic. I can share your name or anonymously if one prefers. But excited to get started in the morning after my breakfast of fruit…

Oh and that brain mapping I was going to do with neurofeedback? Saved me thousands!!! God is good!

peace, love, light and joy

Victoria

Dreaming is first step…and in search of help with books…

because a dream written down becomes a plan and as goals unfold so do endless possibilities…

of excitement, thrill, success and failure too! But bouncing back from our missteps is the funnest thing. As we learn many lessons about what works for us and what doesn’t it is good to record it all.

I am grooving with my E-books, titling them, writing and feeling discombobulated so decided to outline them by book like I used to do in college when I had a major paper due.

And as we find our groove to the life that God has given us we can help others now and on the way!

It’s a lot of fun but challenging because I am so busy enjoying life that taking time to write how I got to this place after many years of complacency is a bit hard. So balance is key and I am now finding it.

I have just decided that I need collaborators and reviewers of this series so I am putting this out there to anyone with some free time and experience willing to help. Please email me if or comment your interest below. I can be reached at victoriamariealonso@yahoo.com

Here are the titles of the first five books and descriptions of them along with areas I am looking for others to contribute. If you are interested in this project which I hope to complete by March 2021, I can provide more questions depending on your level of interest in helping out. If you are willing I am even open to interviewing others who have similar or different ways of coping with this pandemic. This can be a worldwide effort! Australia, South Africa, Germany, Netherlands and any any country because mental health has no boundaries!

Book One: Mental health and Surviving the Pandemic Description- My story, my challenges, my successes, my hope, importance of taking care of our mental health. Contributors- Readers and personal experience especially on how has the pandemic has affected your mental health?

Book two: Exercise and mental health Description-how exercise benefits our mental health in a myriad of ways, obstacles and ways to get in a routine that works for you. Contributors- Readers and personal experience especially on what exercise do you love, like or put up with?

Book 3: Cleanliness and mental health Description- how does cleanliness help one from our personal bodies, to our homes, pets, cars and inner work Contributors- Readers and personal experience especially on what is most important to you in terms of taking care of the aforementioned?

Book 4: Food and mental health Description- the many ways that food affect our mood and how proper nutrition is paramount to healthy gut and brain health. Contributors- Readers and personal experience especially on what foods do you like that benefit you?

Book 5: Beauty practices and mental health description- how when we take care of ourselves and our homes and personal belongings we feel better inside. Contributors- readers, and personal experiences with this topic.

So that’s part of my dream, the final books will be revealed soon. Feel free to email me with any questions, comments, suggestions especially if you want to review the parts of the books and personal experience is really exciting that some of you might like to be in the book.

peace love light and joy

Victoria

Late evening musings…

Current thoughts are mixed with joy, contentment, and peace. God is good even when things don’t go right I am finding. That may sound crazy but many of my hardest times have resulted in much great recovery exceeding my very limited hopes for my future.

I am not grandiose. No, I am perfectly clear and not delusional. I am not the most special person to ever live! This is liberating. But I can take care of my corner, which is vast and seemingly endless and blog about my ups and downs.

February has already brought much greatness. I am not an astrologist but understand that February is a time for great change and it is happening in me and around me and around the world!

If this is your first visit to my site I invite you to use the search feature located to the left of my title “mypersonalrecoveryfromschizophrenia”. It is there you can search my bio and any topics about mental health, coping skills, and I highly recommend the May 2020 series which is now available as an Ebook many of the posts. It is available on kindle on amazon here for free.

It was a good day of spending some time with my eldest son, daughter in law who both have been vaccinated and their pups!!

peace love light and joy

pax

Victoria

At a much better place…

I must live my life in a way that honors my dad. I must move on although my daily visits have ensued I gladly report.

But life, which has halted in many ways, now must no longer be stagnant but instead full of life and vigor…

this is possible…

the answer lies within us all as to what kind of life we want to live and how we can achieve it fully. People can serve as our guides along the way but in reality we know only if we are willing to look deep within ourselves and no longer fear what we see.

This introspection must continue with a sense of urgency as we are not promised tomorrow. And then we must look outward to help others, by prayer, by action, by talking about what is most important which on here is mental health.

I am currently actively seeking a zen life coach. I love this way of life and am curious to see if I have found one that feels I am a good fit. Interestingly enough I did not mention to him that I have a brain/mental health disorder. I really hate labels but my medicine gives it away. More on this later.

For now I want to focus on my questions that I have for my possible new zen life coach…

  1. How is it possible to detach (in my case from my dad) yet still care?
  2. How is my body possibly being affected by this anticipatory grief and my mind?
  3. I seek balance,especially in my daily routine, how can I find it with my many obligations?

Those are my starter questions.

It is evening right now and I have much on my mind.

peace love light and joy

pax

Victoria

Exciting news…

Still in vigil mode, my dad is hanging on for now and I’ll take every second.

Since I am so overcome with grief and the long process of death I have decided to take advantage of this down time and write and work on a few projects to take my mind off of my dad and his ultimate death… interesting it will be to see how he helps me from heaven.

Anyway, so I am working on downloading some files and getting a new laptop (currently on daughter’s at 23% so we shall see how long this blog is). I’m gonna have to make payments but really need one bad for many things. But that is not the exciting news getting a new computer. No the good news is that I am really putting a lot of effort into this new ebook. I have already written the dedication of course to my dad and now I am going to work on getting the content cleaned up. Already transferred files to email from old laptop so there is one thing done.

I have a lot to do and can’t really get started until I get my new laptop. I am looking for suggestions for titles. I want to keep it short and to point but catchy too. As usual a portion of all profits will go to my favorite foundation, CureSZ. My dad taught me to set high goals and to meet them so I am really hoping for some success right now with this ebook. Of course all the content is now available under May series coping skills unlimited, through the search feature or at the top bar.

For the ebook though I am really going to try to organize it better and give it my very best. I can’t do a lot right now but writing is good so wish me luck!

Best

peace love light and joy

pax

Victoria

On pause…even this disorder lies in waiting…

This world 🌎 is so strange right now…my dad is dying, any moment now, and covid has changed everything! Zoom instead of people coming over. Ah so what? We were still together. Covid cannot stop love ❤️

I am avoiding many things right now: driving, social media, certain family and wine. In that order, but making sure I take care of myself. Sleep, food, water! Exercise is minimal but don’t feel like doing much.

I’m being gentle with myself the best I can ! Today is my baby boy s 22 birthday 🎂! My daughter and I made it special and even just helped him make a wonderful meal. Clean up is done and my dad didn’t pass on his birthday!

God is good! I am also taking a break from blogging the next part of the series negative and cognitive symptoms. But if you want to read past blogs about anything including the fore mentioned. Just use the search bar to the left of this pages title.

Will still check in but so overcome by grief I don’t know if this makes sense but even my disorder waits on hold . Very clear thinking about much but still some confusion too. No positive symptoms not even delusional. Going to start some new projects once life continues.

For now thank you for holding this space with me! Peace love light and joy 🥲

Pax

Victoria

Death awaits…

Still holding light vigil for my dad. Thank you for any prayers for his eminent transition. I am thinking it will be January. So I am somber but also use humor to deflect dark thoughts about death and how much he is currently suffering. Peace be with you dearest dad, my love for you is sure and this pain I do feel.

How blessed we all are to be able to watch the sunset from wherever we are. Tonight’s will be glorious. A premonition of sorts for February, the month when things will get better.

Peace, love, light and joy

pax

Victoria

Welcome to my blog! For new readers click here for my brief bio.

Victoria here with a late night blog. I am still holding a vigil for my father who is eating again but is still very weak from lack of food and recovery from covid. It’s been a day mixed with tears, laughter, dancing, singing, cooking, music on repeat and laundry!

Odd sort of day but here I am excited to share some new ideas I have about this blog. Starting tomorrow I will be blogging about what schizophrenia and schizoaffective disorder are and my personal experience with the positive, negative and cognitive symptoms. I will explain more in detail and questions are welcomed.

I am calling it Schizophrenia Education and Personal experiences…

I’m excited anyway so till tomorrow.

peace love light and joy

pax

Victoria

My theme for 2021…

Where will I spend my energy? that is my theme for this year and every moment of 2021.

Time is not guaranteed so I am reevaluating many aspects of my life and working at maneuvering around obstacles that will always be present but heck I’m not gonna give up!

Today is a good day! It is Sunday so restful day but I already played and lost two games of chess, did hot yoga, switched to tea mid morning from coffee, blogging, organizing my year by months (nothing spectacular), attended part of Mass and now going on walk with daughter!

Music this year so far is George Michael. Rip dear George. He was only 53 when he passed, so young, and I am 51. Time is not guaranteed to anyone…

Make the most of it

peace, love light and joy

pax

Victoria

What does a mentorship look like?…

I have been mentored by many at different stages in my life. Some have passed on, some I outgrew and some are still with me on my journey.

I have offered to be a mentor for anyone on here so just want to explain a little more what that entails. It is free and even if you don’t feel like I’m a good fit, it is good to know what it might look like because I believe we all need one. My current mentor is also my best friend which makes it fun. But I’m always on the prowl to have another.

What does it look like though? It requires the willingness to explore parts of our lives in a non judgemental way. Comparison is discouraged but others who may have a life that is attractive for us can help us to decide what we want our lives to look like.

Some areas that will be explored will be uncovered by asking these sorts of questions.

Where are we stuck?

What are some obstacles?

What are some options?

What would be something that can generate change?

What does your ideal life look like?

What are your strengths?

What do you like?/dislike?

These are just some examples.

My main passions are chess, yoga, walking, all dogs and cats, Italy, meditation, music, gardening, spoiling my children and husband, tidying and organizing.

Now I am not an expert in any of these fields especially chess, novice at best; but I won’t let that stop me from learning more about each and every one of my passions. I’m not going to say this year because I don’t like to make resolutions on Jan 1 but rather every day I work to improve an area.

Now lets talk about mental health in a mentorship. I suffer from schizoaffective disorder and do not have any positive symptoms (hearing voices, seeing things, hallucinations of any sort) and my negative symptoms are at bay thanks to cbd oil I take every day. I do have some cognitive impairments but manage to live a very highly functioning life despite these deficits.

I believe I can be of help to people especially who suffer from schizophrenia/schizoaffective disorder because I have suffered so much and am at a really good balanced place now. I have been passively suicidal, hospitalized 3 times (last time was when I tried to return to work and stress caused a relapse) and here I am now 3 years into being on permanent disability and kicking butt and taking names.

I manage my home, along with our other properties. I work 6 days a week but try to blog 7 days a week. I am busy but relax a lot too. There is always room for improvement and I am currently seeking a mentor who is knowledgeable about the metaphysical. I put this out there to the Universe and the Source of all that is good. I expect results manifested…

My ideal life would be one much like I have right now with a few tweaks. Life is a lot like chess; all about strategy.

peace, love, light and joy to you all!

pax

Victoria

Shazam… my best thoughts for 2021…

A world 🌎 of peace, unity and less mental health stigma! I see this for 2021 with January still being hard but great things coming in February 2021!!

The planets will be aligned uniquely all because the Source of all that is good wills it so!

My personal goals matter and so do yours! It’s not about resolutions seriously but rather a way of life with kindness and love and joy at the center of it all near the heart ❤️ of Jesus!

Don’t worry about a thing! Just set your intention every day and watch as it gets manifested. Life is not long enough to do, say and write all that is important.

It’s about discernment. Does my next minute of activity need to be where I am? Or somewhere else? I am willing to help anyone through email correspondence and phone if needed, to help anyone find their purpose in life.

Before making the decision to work with me consider a few things, first are you willing to be open to new possibilities? Or are you content with your life? If you’re not I’m willing to assist.

I am not a therapist but am holding a masters degree in psychology and bachelors in sociology.

I have been diagnosed since 2008 with schizophrenia and schizoaffective disorder, ocd, bipolar tendencies and anxiety. I am stable now for many years and love to connect with others. I saw Russia visited this blog recently! Welcome!

Also Ireland and many countries. Let’s connect!

I can be reached victoriamariealonso@yahoo.com

God bless and happy new year!!! 🎊🎆🎈

Pax

Love light and joy

Victoria

Learning to love our individuality…

We are all unique; special; wonderfully made….

I truly love who I am today. I am so much more than my diagnosis. I fight and today I kick-assed. I may not be able to hold down a job outside the home but I do so much every day, organizing, planning, paying bills, managing our properties and much much more.

Today I chose to forgo a popular routine of mine and ended up journaling at 9am! Didn’t write much but liked doing it because it puts what is in my head out on paper and helps me to know how I am doing. Today there was not a whole lot going on so I am going to journal at night as I am more of a night owl and get way more creative with my thoughts.

Onto loving our individuality… it is clear that no two people are alike. This is awesome! I often try when I blog to think what might be of interest. Well I am going to stop guessing and just flipping blog.

I love music! Jason Mraz is with me now on Youtube! He rocks! I love all my idiosynchroncies and nuances that make me unique. I love it when I am able to shed new light on a situation that may need it; and when I am able to give back to those from whom so much has been given.

I am no longer suicidal I just realized right now. This is great news! I want to live and see my grandchildren and see my adult children flourish as they already are…

I want so much but mostly I want an equal unified world. Nothing big God. Just what seems impossible at so many levels. But I can dream anyway along with others who came before me and stand on their shoulders and say I want change!

I have much hope in our new President Elect Joe Biden and Vice President elect Kamala Harris. May they help unite this world that is just a bunch of people like me trying to figure shit out. So on I go doing what I can by saying to all the countries that are visiting this blog~ Argentina, Germany, Uk, Mauritus, America, and many many more~ It is wonderful that we can unite on this blog at whatever level one feels comfortable.

God bless and God speed!

Pax

Victoria

Off the charts…

I still do really crazy things sometimes. My OCD took over today with my kitchen and cooking and clean up. But that is not what I am talking about. I say things at times that are inappropriate as we all do with or without a mental health disorder. But I really made a mess the other day. But I’m not talking about that either. I can’t share I guess how I get crazy because it is hard to put into words. Let’s just say I can still be very impulsive and impatient. ha ha, that is all I shall share today… got to keep at least some secrets.

Ah, moving on as I always do. Will do some crystal cord cutting later if needed if my words are still bothering me. Funny now all I have to do is think I will crystal cord cut and the issue gets often remedied without doing the action. That’s pretty cool I think.

I go through my days all right. Just finished a huge project for our properties. Feels good but now I’m like I need to get back to what I enjoy, yoga, gardening, working out, walking, playing with my pups and other’s, and making time for writing.

I feel my creative juices flowing so for the end of December I am going to come up with a theme being “We can do it”! Part one will come tonight or tomorrow. We can get through this last part of the year that has been so so so so so so difficult for many myself included. I will be doing this to encourage myself as well by posting every day what I am doing to take care of myself rather than my vices which are always there to comfort me when needed.

Did anyone catch the Christmas star tonight? I missed it but it is supposed to be out tomorrow night too must set my alarm. I just get so busy.

Life is good. Hope that is the same tomorrow.

Peace love light and joy to all of you,

pax

Victoria

What does being special mean to you?…and contest December 2020

I heard it at age 8 crossing a bridge on my way to Northern California riding in the back seat of our family car, next to my sister and brother. And then silence until age 36 except for the brief moments when God through the Holy Spirit touched down to guide me.

Are we all special, denying it because one may be humble unlike me? I wonder these thoughts as I reexamine my life today. Much to be done so taking a moment to do something I enjoy, write. It gives me much joy!

Sadness permeates my thoughts when I hear certain music so I listen to the same music and ff through the songs that make me think about my dad, and Jim+ and Larry+. Now thinking about it again so will move on to this months theme.

The contest! No one has sent in a quote yet lol but that’s ok. I am going to post a quote every day and blog about it and if you like the quote and content then like it and by December 31, 2020 I will tally up all the likes; and the winner will be put in a hat and chosen by my son. The winners will receive some wonderful memoirs of Bethany Yeiser and her mom on their lives dealing with this dastard disorder schizophrenia and masks that say CureSZ

Who’s with me? Like or comment and let me know if this will be interesting for you!

peace, love light and joy

pax

Victoria

Do I ever?…

Do I ever wander aimlessly, through life, through death, through joy?

Do I ever seek for help from above before taking that drink that brings much comfort but yet sadness too?

Do I want to help others? yes, indeed, let me help you. write to me anytime at victoriamariealonso@yahoo.com which is my private email. I miss doing therapy, but do it every day, with my mom, my two widows, my children, my dogs, myself first though.

Reach out if you have a question or comment. I don’t get much feedback so I am reaching out for contact of some sort. Don’t just like or share, connect on a level you are comfortable with. And don’t be scared. I do not judge. I embrace differences at many levels.

peace, love, joy and light to all of you,

pax

Victoria

Excitement! New search on this blog and favorite quote giveaway!

I am Victoria Marie Alonso and I am a daughter, wife, mother, friend and a person with schizoaffective disorder diagnosed in 2008. This blog has been in existence since 2013. I am on permanent disability since 2015. Did achieve my Master’s and bachelors in 2012 but couldn’t handle the stress of working.

I have had good seasons and bad days, but through it all I won’t give up!

So on to the excitement! There is now a search engine on my blog. Just enter any topic you might like to read about and hit go and up will come any of my blogs of the topic of interest you have selected. For instance, negative symptoms, psychotic, suicidal, you get it. Anything! I am trying out this feature for a month and see if it helps my readers to navigate through 7 years, 361 blogs, of blogging. I have also cleaned up my site with the awesome help of wordpress. They rock!

And to start off the year I am giving away two books of chronicles of Bethany Yeiser and her mother, 1 of each, along with 2 masks that say CureSZ, a nonprofit dedicated to curing schizophrenia, fighting stigma and supporting those with schizophrenia. All you have to do is comment your favorite quote or your own favorite mantra and I will select the two winners on January 1, 2021!

My favorite quote is by Mahatma Gandhi “be the change you wish to see in the world”.

I haven’t decided on a theme yet for December 2020. So I will allow my reviewing of the entries to guide me.

peace, love, light and joy to all

pax

Victoria

Let’s talk about suicide…

Many of us have been there, some of us are there now, contemplating a life ending the suffering that seems so unbearable at times…

Protective factors help, these are your reasons to live such as children or pets. Mine are strong but they do not always help me when I am at my wit’s end thinking about taking my own life.

I have a disorder (schizophrenia/schizoaffective disorder) and the odds are not in our favor concerning suicide rates. Do I let that statistic bring me down or fight?

I’m a fighting woman! I will not give up because life is a gift and we don’t know the day that gift will be taken away to move onto the spiritual world.

Depression can cause these thoughts too and situations which are temporary. I am currently depressed but being proactive about my mental health because I cannot let myself go again and go down that deep spiral of a staircase into the land of the dark and ugly, which would be to actually to take my own life.

I woke up today and went to bed last night thinking about all the wonderful things that have happened to me this week. There were a lot of highlights and I am now in the habit of making some more.

It is hard right now because we can’t do things we normally would have done. But somehow we can find a way to improve our situation and want to live again.

I have written this blog since 2013 and was diagnosed in 2008. 14 years since receiving this gift that can also be a curse. I am planning on cleaning up this site over the next few days and really trying to get in some good content again.

My life has fallen apart with the death of my brother in law but he would not want me to be somber and teary eyed all the time but I f#$%#ing miss him.

Today is a new day and my mantra once again is I won’t give up! Even better I won’t give up and I will give life my all, starting last night when I deep cleaned the kitchen. There is always something to do but I don’t always feel like doing it.

Yesterday was different. I didn’t feel like doing anything albeit there was much to be done so I played hooky. I went to my best friend’s house and we hung out and drank some wine and sang, cried, laughed and had a grand time! I cam home and because I took a 5 hour break to have some fun I was able to come home and focus on my house and paperwork.

It was easy because I did the fun thing first. Kind of like eating dessert first before the entree. The entree will still be there as will the work and drudgery so might as well enjoy ahead because truly we don’t know if we will even get to the dessert right? So dig in, enjoy what makes you happy or at least not so sad.

Peace love light and joy to all of you.

I can be reached at victoriamariealonso@yahoo.com for any questions or comments. My email has been active again and I like that. I don’t have all the answers but I have just a bit of understanding and love to share.

Pax

Victoria

I think I will never doubt again but…

life happens

people die, people suffer, people celebrate, life keeps going even after a very sad event such as my brother in law passing last week…

i am fighting depression, not exercising at all but have been getting fresh air and sunlight. Too low to put in any effort but making dinner tonight.

I get to take care of my sons new puppy four days a week so that gets me out. In lockdown mode once again because of covid.

I am stuck on a few levels currently. time will tell.

praying for all of you and me and my sister who is doing so well…

pax

Victoria

Feels as the world is awakening one by one…

Time passes slowly these days but I am not alone, no I have two deceased people who visit me from the dead in spirit. I love them and they love me and care and protect all my loved ones. I am sad tonight, melancholy if you may, being polite tonight, can’t be angry anymore, as it doesn’t suit me so I am told by Larry and Jim, my deceased loved ones.

One simply cannot argue with God and win. He gives and He takes away. And He took away last Saturday night, such a man as Jim. He is greatly missed especially by my sister as it was her husband. God bless her tonight and every night to come as the holidays are particularly hard for our loved ones who have lost someone…

I get to visit my dad this next week and it has been 8 or 9 months! I am so flipping excited! We get to hold hands through a glass with gloves on. And how I will hold him so tight. I haven’t dreamed of this in a million years!

God is good to allow me to still have my parents. and if they are gone tomorrow I will suffer a while but life will go on and i have much prepared for the time of their demise. I have my husband and children and best friend during all of this.

But i have felt the craving for death to be quite honest.

But I am not actively suicidal so happy about that.

Joy for time with my children today. Joy for celebrations of being a mom for 29 years tomorrow! Happy birthday Matthew Christian! and Gary….

pax

Victoria

In a quandary…

I’m stuck right now…

things were moved into my meditation room and it is really upsetting me, the dogs don’t know where to lay down. One finally chose the bed ha ha

In extreme grief over my brother in law. It’s not the same as a friend passing. No it is much more for me and especially my sister…this man carried the family especially since my father had his stroke and the baton had been passed down to Jimmy my brother in law who happens to be messing with me from heaven. Oh Jim! How I miss you so much already. But let me be about my business.

I unashamedly communicate with the dead. I know i know I need to see my psychiatrist sooner rather than later. I did call today to get an earlier appointment than 11/17. we shall see…

I’m not hearing voices but am very aware of Jim’s spirit filling the house with love and life and messages to all of us. Please help my daughter Jim. Or is this how it is supposed to be?

Chess games with my adult son, some talking, strategy developement discussion and the like. good yet sad times for our family right now…

My life is discombobulated if that be a word. checking, it is. a mess, so much to do and thrown off the usual path today.

My eldest son’s birthday is Saturday. Must pull it together to help make it special.

Blessings peace to all of you

pax

victoria

R.I.P. JAMES 11-7-2020

Jimmy was a magnanimous man, big guy, full of love and heart, who loved my sister with all that he was…

He was always full of antics whether it was falling in the pool from the upper rock and everyone yelling SHAMOO, egging him on, and he would mostly happily oblige and get everybody and everything all wet. and then do it again. God I loved that antic.

There were more too. Always making funny sounds with my sister’s and his funny language. They were something else how much they would dote on each other. I don’t ever remember which one of them who would dote on the other more. They took care of each other, watched out for each other. They were soulmates.

How my sister will go on without him I am not sure but she is one tough bitch if needed so hopefully she will let us all know. I hope we get closer but don’t like the way that this might come about. I didn’t want him to die. No I offered my life for his but too late me thinks. I offered more too, we shall see if God accepts my offering.

It’s funny though as I sat in vigil the past two or 3 days at my house with candles lit and incense, just praying, while my sister sat at her house next to Jimmy. Either last night or this morning I felt the knowledge that “it is over, it is over”. I checked facebook this morning and there was a post there from his daughter , a tribute to her dad. And that was how I found out but I already knew. My sis in law called shortly after and in shock all day.

Took a trip around town with my dear daughter. Brought the pup and it was good. We laughed and cried and got starbucks with a puppercinno for my dog Butter. and i sang for her a sarah bareilles song…bittersweet moments with my favorite people on earth. Told my sons. hugged one of them for five minutes…

Hoping that by getting some of these thoughts out on here I will process my grief faster. It takes me three days to get over bad news. My husband said don’t grieve too much. I said how much is too much? he said he didn’t know. so I am fighting between the tears and lack of movement. And it is a cold day plus our heater broke! ordered one on amazon but it hasn’t arrived yet.

I have found my mission I believe, we shall see how the planets align. I want to spread a message of hope for all those with schizophrenia to fight the statistic that stands against us. I don’t want to die by suicide but still at times suicide does cross my mind. I don’t want to ever put my kids through this or my husband or family so I am going to take the next month to really research ways to fight this statistic. Does anybody know how high it is for people with schizophrenia?

let the research begin…

peace, love and light and joy to all

pax

Victoria

Dedication and thoughts tonight…

Bittersweet day, celebrating and such sadness for my brother-in-law who is on the verge of passing. I don’t do well with mixed emotions.

Happy that I am proud to be an American again!

But sad at the thought that my sister will be alone and that she is ok during these last few moments of her husband’s life on this earth.

I am ok though but not doing much today or yesterday as I am holding my own vigil over here for them since I can’t be with her or talk to her right now. The end is coming quick yet it is delayed. Hospice is surprised he made it through the nights. God’s timing and nobody else’s. God is good. I shall praise him in death, birth, and all in between.

For a minute I thought I wanted to be a death doula. But I can’t I know now and that’s ok because I can pray at least. Hard to pray right now. I feel like every action, every key I stroke and every breath I take is for them and for our nation, to no longer be divided.

Shall I publish this post?

Sure why not!

I dedicate this post to my brother in law and my sister.

peace, love, joy and light to all,

pax

Victoria

Morning musing cont…

Morning, as it does, has become evening and I am quite somber tonight reflecting upon the gift of life that God has bestowed upon us all. He can take this gift away or not, it is up to Him. When He wants us home, I shall not delay but jump in His arms and finally get to see Him face to face.

It has been a long day as I sit her in the peace of the night, dog breathing softly next to me asleep in her bed and the other one, my princess, is atop the bed in my meditation room where I sleep and spend much of my day reflecting upon life and listening to the usual, Jason Mraz in his beachlife festival in the Philippines 2019. How I pray for you Philippines!

Not a usual day but got something done and fed me and the family so that’s good. Much sadness mixed with this anticipatory grief at my brother in laws impending death. Pray with me for a miracle. I do want him to remain a while longer for my sister’s sake especially. He is magnanimous and I love him. He’s a good one for sure.

I no longer welcome death, no I send out to the universe vibes of longevity for all to be in God’s will. I used to want to die but I have many protective factors that reduce my chance at suicide among people with schizophrenia. Tomorrow I will write in the am about protective factors.

pax

victoria

Writers block…

I am at an impasse- to write or not to write is the question for tonight.

My sister’s husband is dying at home surrounded by loved ones and near my sister who is his best friend and soulmate. They think the same and if they don’t he will adjust. My sister can be very controlling but I love her and feel just so terrible for her at this time.

So the dilemma I face is if I should write her a letter or not. When I was psychotic I wrote prolifically and have since destroyed it all. I haven’t written much since… did write a book that took 8 years or more really not sure but no matter, I did complete something. I have such strong emotions still that I am afraid I will betray myself. Dear God please guide.

I am just so sad today. I got to see my bro in law and got to pray with and for him. Tears were not held back today…prayed for a miracle. He said it was a good prayer, “a good one” verbatim. I wish I could do more…

pax

Victoria

Embracing my shadows…

Life is funny really, what may seem to some as the worse thing in the world, may be not what it seems but something else altogether…

It could be something awesome too and while I should focus on that as part of my f**ing new positive self talk suggestion. I find it tedious and completely unnecessary. So I will give you some of my darkness, my weirdness, my shadows.

I believe that I am the most special person to ever live.

I was told at age 8, sitting in the backseat of our family car, eyes fixated upon the bridge we were crossing and I heard very clearly, “You are special”.

And then at a much later time I was told the previous statement by Mary the Mother of God.

But I was actively psychotic so can’t really trust it but it’s there when I think of it and this is how I feel about it~

This is a huge burden or at least it used to be until this very moment. and I find myself trying to embrace this shadow, this embarrassment if it is true and the same otherwise. I can’t do it fully but I am moving in the right direction towards acceptance first and then to not hating it, and then to liking it (current position) and finally to embracing it, not there yet…

That being writ, I must confess it is pretty awesome at times when things happen outside of me confirming this to be true. God touching down at the perfect timing undeniably so. I was born on 10/16 at 10:16, my ss number ends in 7777. I have held the face of Mary in my own face, I was given the gift of schizophrenia in 2006, I earned my masters in psychology post-diagnosis in 2012. I went on disability permanent in 2015. I survived and actually thrived in 2020, but not working outside the home still and rightfully so.

When I try to work weird things happen but alas those are stories for another day.

It is time for me to go to my journal and my sacred space wherever I end up tonight in my home. I love my home. I am blessed to have a home. Was homeless once, another tale.

I like tales but must obey.

pax

Victoria

death is a mere separation between here and there…

We’ve got a lot to learn about death and once we are dead we don’t have anyway to convey the beauty of heaven back to our loved ones but I know they live on…

I have had some recent wonderful experiences with my dear friend and her deceased husband speaking through me to her on more than one occasion. The veil is thin folks between life and death. When God wants us home we shall not delay. I will not, I will run into Jesus’ arms and throw myself at His feet. And there I shall lay for a while, at peace at last.

This disorder won’t exist in heaven. I will be made whole again. We all will. And if you dont believe I will believe for you. I have faith to spare in large amounts. God is so good at guiding me in all I do.

It has not always been so though. I was a lost child just not that long ago. Chasing experiences like the wind. Hoping for time alone with God in the way I am able to reach Him now. Which is no longer unusual. NO the messages are rare if ever and the peace I have in my heart is lasting.

Now that I know I am an empath and what one is. I can deflect negative energy mentally or with the usage of my crystals. It is wonderful to be in control of my thoughts. Ridding my mind of thoughts that do not serve me or anybody to speak of for that matter.

Life is good these days with a few exceptions. Sick, near death family members and others like my parents living on the prayers of others like fumes from the fire.

Peace, love light and joy to all of you,

pax

Victoria

Mental health tips 102…

Welcome!

You can see my first post on mental health tips 101 here.

But I wanted to add to this blog so here are my best tips on how to keep your mental state in the best state.

Have fun! Make fun, do fun, be fun. Laugh a lot and then laugh till it hurts some more. Make light of the difficulties, make peace with your past. Break loose! There are so many ways!

This week I took my pup to the doggie beach with my family and it was hot and fun and great. tomorrow I am dying my hair with my daughter’s help. Tonight, I sat in the garden and called a friend. She didn’t answer but that’s ok, I still tried to reach out. The idea is to break out of any rut we may be in and even though we might have many chores every day to be sure to include some fun activities in the mix.

Sleep is not overrated. Make a schedule that works for your bodies’ needs and stick to it. I have finally mastered my sleep schedule. I go to sleep between 11:30pm and 12:30am and wake up at 8am-9am. I do some of my best thinking at night when the house is quiet and everyone else is asleep except my son. But we have some great late night chats or rather philosophical discussions. It’s great.

Finding a hobby that works for you. I have already talked so much about my favorite hobbies that I will not repeat them all but gardening is still the highest ranking. Still trying to get to learning the guitar but we shall see. There it sits by itself. so sad.

Have a mantra! Mine is I am good, I am holy, I am humbled by my missteps. I never try to hurt anyone, I do a lot of good in the world, but I mess up sometimes and am learning to love my shadows and make peace with them.

I emit to the universe what it is I desire. And sit back and watch the miracles occur. It is amazing how one person can make an imprint on their own future. Try it!

Write! Journal, blog, text, whatever medium works for you. get your thoughts out, it is cathartic!

well that is 102

blessings,

pax

Victoria

Mental health tips 101~

In the spirit of mental health day yesterday, I wish to blog about what makes me feel ok especially in these unprecedented times. I like making lists. Feel free to copy mine or share how you track the best ways to keep your mental health state sharp.

FOOD- healthy tasty food, helps the brain and body to be in sync. Helps spiritually, mentally and physically on many levels. ate healthy today and feeling better

exercise- getting regular exercise benefits the brain, especially my mental outlook on the day. Keeps me fit and often when I walk I pray my rosary…

intellectual stimulation- keeps the brain functioning at higher levels, not just speaking of teaching institutions, but of reading good books which for me means many classics but also metaphysical. Our brains need stimulation beyond facebook and instagram and video games (which are ok in moderation). Being on my phone is a challenge or not being on there rather. So much to say here but keeping the list moving.

learning about my emotions- and trusting them. Today I am hopeful for many reasons and joyful because my birthday is coming up.

connections- with loved ones, strangers, animals, plants and all of Mother Earth but most importantly with God or whatever you call the Source of all that is good.

meds- take em and don’t stop without your doctor’s supervision. I know I need mine the rest of my life but taking supplements now that greatly increase my productivity levels.

avoiding toxic people and situations- easy for me as I am mainly a homebody. I have learned how to deal with negative family members, just have them talk about themselves without any judgement. Keeps the focus off of my life and people love to talk about themselves.

Can’t think of anymore but these are my most important thoughts in terms of taking care of my mental health.

peace, love joy and light to all! Welcome all countries and peoples around the globe!

pax

Victoria

Musings of the moment…

A good day for sure…learning to navigate murky waters.

Looking for the good in all people, places and things isn’t that hard if one considers the life that God gave us and it is up to us to fulfill our mission, whatever that may be…

For me I like to help out the homeless because I was once homeless too. I remember when a kind stranger would give me some spare change, while I was living on the streets of NYC. I would always be so grateful to buy that slice of pizza. My meal for the day if I was lucky.

Still not sure if I was pre-schizophrenia at that time or not. I was 18 at the time but I engaged in many dangerous behaviours from 13 to 20. Then got married to the most wonderful man, had three kids and home-schooled them but then developed schizophrenia at age 36, which was in 2006.

I have tried working but it never works out so I am on permanent disability since 2015. I also earned my masters in psychology and bachelors in sociology circa 2010 post diagnosis.

Life these days consists of lots of at home time. Connections are the most important thing to me, with my family and friends and strangers, with my pups and all animals and nature….

I don’t read much but enjoy a good show and love working with crystals. Life is too short for regrets and today I have no regrets. Missteps I like to call them but embracing these shadows and trying to live the life God intended.

I don’t hear from God anymore, which the silence is welcome but do still wonder how life would have been different if this or that…

Trying to spread positivity at every level from self love to patience with myself first and then others. Embracing who I am because I am the only “ME”.

peace love and joy and now light to all

pax

Victoria

This is me…

I am enough, more than enough; I do not need to dwell on my past experiences to solve them. Sorry AA but inventorying life just doesn’t serve me anymore.

I use crystals’ energy now, garden, cook, clean, tidy (there is a difference), connect with family, friends and strangers who you never know who will become a good friend. I also take my meds and supplements every single bingle day.

This is me…

I don’t feel I need therapy anymore except my free grief one working through anticipatory grief around my dad’s declining health. But he turns 83 next month! I love him so much and dedicate this blog to his health, physical, mental and spiritual.

I love my mom too and am so glad I still have her in my life although she still drives me crazy at times haha. Will really miss them both when they are gone. sad face:(

I try to use my time wisely so will keep this brief.

I have a mental health disorder and am doing pretty damn good. I am enough. I embrace my shadows and am no longer afraid for what the future may hold…

This year has changed so much.

My heart is heavy tonight.

This is me…

it comes and goes this heaviness

for the world.

pax

Victoria

Psychotic episode from 2007…

Things were intensifying. Many messages and late nights feeling the heavy presence of God. No drugs, no alcohol, but some stress of my grandma’s passing may have induced schizophrenia/schizoaffective disorder. Dx’ed in 2008.

Things other people take for granted became next to impossible like going to the store. Visits from God at these times or my disorder in full psychotic state, not sure really but it was pretty cool except for the time when~

I was walking down the spice packet aisle at my local grocery store and suddenly the command came to buy one of each. I ignored it at first but suddenly I found myself melting to the store if I did not do this weird thing. I hate to ever cause a scene so after several attempts to ignore what I thought to be God testing my obedience, I did it. I felt the paralyzing of my limbs when I tried to ignore the strong inner command.

$200 later I was leaving the store with bags of spice packets half of which I gave to a friend who I believed had shared psychotic disorder. Paralyzing, commands and testing are not of God I believe. I know now it was this dastard bleeping disorder. And luckily enough, do not have psychotic experiences since started taking goterpy cbd oil full spectrum the past few years.

I voluntarily entered UCLA in January of 2008 and the minute I started taking anti-psychotics meds the symptoms began to cease. The messages stopped mostly. God does break through at times in important things such as certain friendships and others I get the green light.

I must now release these terrible memories and do some cord cutting with my quartz crystal tonight, when the house is quiet…

Wishing you all recovery, peace and love

pax

Victoria

Empty space~and a question for my readers

Empty space in my aura today

freed myself of negative thought patterns

using a crystal

Don’t know what to replace it with

more mantras

historical information

the possibilities are endless

feeling good this Sunday but a little bit lost without my negative thoughts script that I have been playing in my mind for years. I never meant to harm anyone, especially myself. I have been hurting myself by holding on to them and didn’t know how to release them. Much to be learned still but crystal magick had its day today in my home.

Wondering if anyone is interested in reading about my psychotic moments? Thinking about blogging about them so probably will anyway but I love my reader’s feedback so let me know in the comments, or like this post or send me an email if this is something that interests you at victoriamariealonso@yahoo.com

These strange experiences are a part of me and sharing them will help to dissipate their power. I was out of control in a very controlled way. From buying one of every spice packet at the store to believing that the wind was because God was angry at my priest.

Blessing to all

pax

Victoria

Learned mirth…

I have not always been a person full of mirth, but have read that it helps with mental state and go me always trying to improve my mental state.

Having a mental disorder can be challenging and the last few days I have been really trying hard to keep it together. But ever since covid hit, I have done so well despite the constant changes in all our lives and the many difficulties brought about by many factors many we are well aware of. Some of my own internal struggles have been surfacing.

I don’t have a therapist right now, but do have people to talk to. Tried a few but having a master’s in psychology makes me very picky and being an empath makes it hard too to find someone who can help me.

What does this have to do with mirthfulness? Well, I have decided to make it a part of my day to find the lightness in everything, through making jokes or just doing creative fun things that bring others joy.

Right now I was messing with my husband and it was great. Just one example of making a hard situation easier by making light of it. It really does help. I watch Jimmy Fallon often and love his jokes and demeanor while telling them. I listen to concerts when the singer talks about positivity about their music and life and my unconcious is having fun processing these listenings and making them a part of who I am.

Don’t take life so seriously I have heard many times in my life and finally I’m not, by choice.

I am sick of my duties lately though, oh I wish I could joke about that. My husband gets to go camping and I don’t go anywhere far or for a few days so we have plans to fix the pop up trailer and go camping before winter. This makes me happy but I want to go somewhere now. Still impatient, yep that’s me.

Must share this as it cracks me up to think about it but the other night I totally scared my adult daughter. She was mad at first and it wasn’t entirely intentional but gave us a good laugh.

What makes you laugh?

pax

Victoria

Events can be powerful…

My time in NY was filled with various emotions. And today being 9/11 it is fitting that I have been writing about my time of homelessness in NYC. I often do that, write about something that I don’t connect until later. Such a sad day.

My time in NYC taught me a lot; not to take for granted that God has my back, not putting myself in dangerous positions anymore and to forgive myself for the things I did when I was pretty much insane.

My mom thinks that I had schizophrenia all my life or at least since 8th grade but I am not so sure about that really. I rebelled and ran away first to AZ and then to NYC. I was an atheist and did not want to live one more minute with my controlling parents. I was ready to see the world.

In fact I did, I visited Rhode Island and Philadelphia, New Jersey and much of New York. It was fun seeing these new places but I have no desire to return, even though I do in my dreams.

I was hoping for a release of something by writing about it and it did help.

I must fight negative thoughts about the time in my life when I didn’t give a flying fuck about anything. I must forgive and try to forget to make room for positive experiences even though not traveling at all right now.

It may have been prodomal symptoms at age 13-20 but who can say for sure. Once I started having children, I gave up my crazy life for the most part and really settled down. But then after getting really religious, I was given the gift of schizophrenia at age 36, so that is a long time in between to wait for the schizophrenia to arrive I think at least.

When did your symptoms begin? OR is it hard to narrow down like mine. Hoping for some feedback.

Feel free to email me at: victoriamariealonso@yahoo.com with any comments on this or any topic,

As usual

pax

Victoria

My homelessness on the streets of New York story…

I don’t know when my prodromal symptoms started but I was a crazy teenager to say the least. I was a punk rocker on drugs and at the age of 18 I decided to fly to New York and try my hand at theater…

I was born and raised in California and knew nobody there but my high school drama teacher convinced me I was a natural for stage theater, so ran with that. I went on one audition and forgot my singing lines because I was stoned ha ha! Didn’t get the part.

I had 800 dollars from a car accident so went with that and hope to get “discovered”. But the thralls of the punk rock scene, drugs, sex and anything outrageous appealed to me so off I went with a one way ticket to La Guardia airport.

This is not fiction. I arrived at night and ended up staying at the apartment of the cab driver who was very nice but wanted more for him allowing me to spend the night so I was out of there. I did not believe in God but looking back I see how much God protected me during this very insane time of my life.

I found a cheap hotel, Hotel 17, in lower side east Manhattan. And from there I set up camp. I panhandled for money and did what I had to do to survive but ended up on the streets in a squat (an abandoned condemned apartment building) with fellow punk rockers. We were a tribe and did everything together, well mostly.

We had fun getting high and living off the kindness of others, whether it was to take a shower or to receive a meal. We panhandled for drugs or a slice of pizza and I used a Swedish accent to feign the need for help which was real. I looked for a few jobs and would rotate between the cheesey hotel and the squat.

But then tragedy struck…

part two tomorrow

pax

Victoria

Releasing negativity slowly…

So many mistakes or missteps I like to call them…

I would never intend to hurt anyone; but yet this part of my body, my mouth, says things sometimes that just are not helpful. I am not perfect, and trying not to be anymore. Letting things go is what I need to do.

But my OCD along with my schizophrenia/schizoaffective disorder prevents this at times. But I am learning as I go.

The problem is that I joke around a lot and sometimes the truth in the joke is just not a good vibe…

But I believe in the power of the mind even though mine may have a disorder. I choose to release these thoughts when they arise and just repeat the mantra, I am good, I am holy, i am humbled. And then think about something good and positive

I surround myself with positive energy. My son is a huge positive force in this house and is spreading his positivity getting paid to play video games on twitch. I observe at times with his permission and i am just so pleased with how he interacts with others and always tries his hardest to answer all the comments. He is an inspiration to me and the many who pay to watch him play.

I don’t need money yet today find myself in murky waters due to switching banks. new bank has a hold on all checks. Today is a holiday, so no one I can call. Life can still be challenging for sure but doing much better these days than ever.

So much helps me!

I am finally free from religion and loving my new blog http://www.allformycreator.com peace love and joy. It charts my spiritual progress or interests as I navigate through new ideas mainly alchemy, the physical, spiritual and mental aspects of life. Felt like this blog needs to focus more on the disorder where my other one is all about God and connecting with Him though nature, animals, people and the mundane.

Check it out if you are so inclined.

Back to topic.

RELEASING NEGATIVITY AS YOU READ THIS

there is so much negativity in having a mental health or brain health disorder. so much misinformation and stigma. it sucks really but must rise above. The fact that I can’t work a real job does not mean that others cannot. I work hard around my house and gardens and manage some personal real estate.

Its mainly fun for the most part but days like today that are hot leave me feeling drained and bored. Nothing is fun! But life is not supposed to be about being fun all the time. That would be boring really. Imagine living at Disneyland 24/7 that would get old and would lose its magic.

So I am taking this time today to do some reflection on my routine. With covid so much has changed, so must roll with the changes. I’m a work in progress and it just keeps getting better. As long as I can stay out of the hospital and function well I will be content.

As to the negativity I fight, well that was learned from my mom. I must unlearn it and fight this pattern that has held and served its purpose for long enough.

Positive thoughts, vibes, prayers and peace to you all!

Pax

Victoria

can’t fight with God and win…

I want nonmaterial things. And God doesn’t give them to me.

I want grandchildren now. Still waiting…

I want to work, not in the cards for me and I already am working just not getting a paycheck… I give up on this one God at last. My disorder is not conducive to working outside my home except for volunteer work.

I want Inner Peace. I have it at times but it comes and goes like the wind. Hate noise, except for music, disturbs my soul.

I want to not worry about things like money, but right now am taken care of so should not worry about tomorrow right?

I want to lose weight. Have lost 35 pounds in a year. Pretty good me thinks. Got 30 to go and doing it. Love love love working out with my daughter in our homemade gym out of an old shed.

I want crystals. All kinds big and small. I guess that’s material though but hey gotta learn more about the different ones and I have a birthday coming up. My family would think I was weird if I didn’t ask for something other than inner peace. that was a joke.

i’m tired so ending this rant.

I love you God. Thank you ahead for all you have already given me and for all that is to come. I pray for good times for me and for all my readers and their families.

pax

Victoria

Dream big they say but impossible for me due to my disorder…

I am not cured by any means but have been thinking a lot about the fact that I am doing really well right now but my condition is fragile and I had to set some boundaries this week, which was really hard to do.

Dreams for the future are bleak at times. I met with a financial advisor yesterday and am thinking about my life in the next twenty years. I cannot think I will be content doing what I am doing now. I feel the need to work and make my own money again but have no idea what I would like to do.

I don’t need to work but find it enjoyable just saying “I have to go to work”. The perfect job for me would be being a teacher again so going to look into online courses I can teach. I really enjoyed my last job teaching sociology at the community college level. I did a great job until stress took me out.

I know I will be fighting with God as the delusion remains that I shouldn’t even be thinking about working. My husband makes bank but having something to call my own is really calling to me right now.

I am on permanent disability since 2015 but did work in 2018. I can still work and earn my disability. I beg with God to allow this. I have the energy and putting my attention on students again feels right. Going to do some research and check into it.

I mean there has to be a great need for teachers right now right? I’m thinking sociology again as I love that subject matter. I earned my bachelors in sociology in 2010 and my Master’s in psychology in 2012 post diagnosis schizophrenia/schizoaffective disorder and being a student is easy to me but working is a different story.

I have been doing this thing lately though where I write out what I want and then it comes true. I have written down furniture, and stuff for my garden so I am writing now that I want a job.

I am following the recent meme that I saw on my empath group that said to make an imprint on the universe rather than letting it make an imprint on you. So instead of just waiting around for things to happen to me and you, making a conscious choice for things to be different.

I like that!

Finding my balance in life ain’t easy but now that I have so much more focus thanks to supplements I now take, feeling brave and fearless for the moment ha ha. That’s me, never a dull moment.

pax

Victoria

Spreading the message of positivity…

Hope for this city, state, country and world.

In a world full of negativity how does one stay so positive? It’s not easy at times, and having a diagnosis of Schizophrenia/Schizoaffective Disorder and being on permanent disability leaves me with a whole lot of free time to do whatever the I please.

I find my days interesting to say the least; mental health is good for this season of pandemic and political discussions, trying to find the good in all despite the many people who aren’t. It’s that simple for me.

I hate drama. My husband and daughter thrive on other peoples and I avoid it at all costs because I am an empath.

I do not know when I first had prodromal symptoms of Schizophrenia. Looking back I made a lot of decisions that were questionable.

But I have always been headstrong and demanding of myself to be in the best shape, physically, mentally and spiritually. I try not to preach with words but it is hard on here, so I must say that since starting out with strength training for a month, four days a week, I am very happy with the mental results and feel my body getting stronger every day, even on rest days like today.

I have learned to make the most of what I have, even if it isn’t much. And I see potential in every life upon the earth.

Am I strange to have such hope? I believe I am. I am not naive. I see the corruption. But I will vote and do my part.

Positivity surrounds me all day, music, people, dogs and cats, plants and all of nature that of which God created for us to enjoy not to abuse. So every time I water or take care of my pups, I feel blessed to be able to take care of them.

I want to have it all and won’t settle for less.

I am not my diagnosis. I am much much more. I can think clearly now that I am no longer psychotic and life is good because I choose to say that.

I make my imprint on this universe rather than allow it to make an imprint on me. I put out there all that I wish to come to pass. And today I decided I wanted to spread a message of hope. I hope I have succeeded. Hard days still come, but it is rare now rather than the rule.

hope this blog finds you all well

Peace, love and joy to all!

pax

Victoria

Overcoming social anxiety…

Ever since the pandemic hit I have barely gone out for fear of my daughter who is immune compromised. I have used all the service platforms and curbside whenever possible. I still do curbside but have now started going to the store.

At first when I tried I had severe anxiety attacks and a really bad day. Then I learned to go to the store at off times and it is actually feeling good to be out and everyone almost is wearing a mask and social distancing.

Today I did a lot of errands in the morning, got a burrito which I ate quickly and then fell asleep. I missed my therapy appointment because my phone was charging and I didn’t plan to nap so long. But it’s been super hot here too in Santa Maria, Ca and feeling lethargic during the hottest times of the days. Our weather is usually 70’s so we are melting at 89 degrees.

So I finally woke up and actually was relieved I didn’t have to talk about my anticipatory grief with my dear dad. I think I will go to once a month from here on out. It brings me down more than lifts me up but it is helpful to process occasionally what I am going through. I know he will die but he just keeps going which I love but it’s hard and takes a toll.

He is my lifeline right now in many ways…that’s all I will say about that.

I did try a new therapist who was Gestalt. I don’t recommend this type of therapy for people with schizophrenia. I heavily disliked it and canceled my following appointment.

I’m pretty good most days. Still getting fit and losing this dastard weight I gained on Risperdal. Down 35 pounds since Sept 2019.

Hope and pray you are all well.

Drop me a line anytime at: victoriamariealonso@yahoo.com

pax

Victoria

Navigating murky waters…

Good evening all! or good morning or afternoon!

We are 93 million miles from the sun! Wow! Just in case one didn’t know.

I tried to do something diet wise without checking with my pdoc. It wasn’t wise. I tried to do a fruit and veggie cleanse but by today the second day I found myself not doing well with my psych meds on just those. So I stopped…

I do not consider this a failure except that I should have checked with him. But there was all this encouragement so I did and it was fun for one day. Lesson learned. I am learning to love me even when I mess up.

My theme for August is patience which is a virtue I am getting better at but have a long way to go. I realized tonight that I need to practice it with myself first…

I have a mental health disorder that needs to be babied at times. That is the truth. I say weird things sometimes and am totally uncomfortable in many social settings but do better one on one. I am learning things about myself just when I thought I was done learning.

I am starting to study again. Right now current studies are alchemy, empath energy and anything fitness. The home gym is coming along nicely and have used it for a week and a day! When I have a gym membership I have great intentions when I sign up but never end up using it. Now I have a free gym in my backyard my kids put together in an old shed and I love being out there especially when it is sunny.

Also been gardening quite a bit which is huge progress thanks to my supplements. Got my son to start taking it as he suffers from lack of motivation and can’t see I notice a difference. I felt it right away I think. Poor memory still at times…meds side effects stink.

Lastly, wanted to touch on a topic Fractured Faith recently blogged about. Recovery from anything really and in my case is recovery from Schizophrenia/Schizoaffective disorder. To recover means to return to normal. This is impossible to me, please share in the comments if you feel differently. I love to hear others stories! I will never be the same as I was before I received the gift of Schizophrenia in 2006 at age 36. 50 now and doing the best minus today than ever.

Thank you for reading.

Be with God,

pax

Victoria

Negative symptoms solutions…

Dear readers,

Welcome to my blog (first published in 2013) which journals my road to almost complete recovery from schizophrenia since diagnosed in 2008. For my brief bio click here.

This month I want to talk about what is least understood by many, the negative symptoms of Schizophrenia, which can cause poor quality of life in many. Loss of motivation, previous things that gave pleasure don’t please, lack of focus and attention to detail and there’s more but these are the main ones that have affected me. For a great article on negative symptoms click here.

Since my bio was written though I have had another breakthrough with new supplements I have been taking for over 6 months and have seen amazing results! See my story below especially if you suffer from low motivation, energy and focus. For proof of how far I have come taking it check out my May series 2020!

Now to my new transformation story~

I have suffered from lack of motivation, energy and the ability to do more than just sit in my chair and do nothing ever since I stopped working in 2015 due to stress which has caused me to relapse before. 3 hospitalizations since 2006 isn’t too bad I think anyway.

Don’t have positive symptoms like delusions or voices anymore and I know that is because of my psych meds which I take along with supplements now and together they help me to be recovered as much as one can be from schizophrenia.

I was barely able to get the basics done. I have always found comfort in having a tidy and clean house; but my daughter used to clean the house for me up till recently. I just didn’t do it or if I did it was quick and without attention to detail. 

And the gardens, I would get them going for a while then let it go due to lack of energy and motivation.  Life sucked. 

I felt really bad about not getting anything done all day especially since I don’t work anymore due to my disability and how my husband would complain.  I would rotate from being on my phone in my meditation room, to the kitchen table where I sit now on my laptop and if I blogged I felt like I had had a productive day.  Gardens lay in disarray and I accepted the fact I thought that I would never do more than this the rest of my life…

Well, now the good part!  I started a new supplement regimen last year, adding Vitamin B-12 sublingual for energy ($4 at walmart), which my daughter now takes too and we both have noticed our energy levels increased since starting it. 

I also take Goterpy CBD oil full spectrum, which has helped with the delusions and stress.  It has also helped me to quit one of my vices… 

And then in Feb of this year 2020, I started taking and now selling Shaklee Mental Acuity Plus for memory and focus and motivation.  It started helping me right away be in charge of my life once again. 

If you are interested in taking this product consider buying it from me. I will help you out personally and I’m thinking about starting a facebook group for new users to journal about their transformation too, specifically persons with schizophrenia. Anyway email me at victoriamariealonso@yahoo.com and I will send you the link to my website and to the product that I am so wishing I had taken sooner.

To read more about how it has affected me during this pandemic continue below if you’re still with me.

Then the pandemic hit whoa!!! And I was forced to be at home all day and thanks to my regimen I found myself thriving at last despite the world’s current chaos.  My house is cleaner and tidier than ever, my gardens are expanding nicely and my focus, memory and attention to detail are sharper each day. I do take a good lay down nap every day and rest on Sundays.

I am content at last although the work never ends in the garden or home because it is like life- it never stops changing, shifting, growing, dying, giving beauty and food for the family!  I still sit in my chair but only in the mornings and evenings now.  I pay more attention to detail of inner work (spiritual) and external (house and gardens, bills etc.…).  I cook dinner mostly every night where before it was occasional and I do the dishes before bed every night.  Life is good so I have to share.

I believe the combination of these three supplements are what are contributing to my well-being.  I don’t blog as much anymore because I am too busy with all my projects to sit and write.  I do keep a journal though so I am still writing, just not for the world as much anymore.

A portion of all my profits will be donated to my favorite non-profit CureSZ.  And I will gladly support you along the way via email or phone! I want to really help others feel as great as I do.

Email me with any comments or questions you may have about any of these products at: victoriamariealonso@yahoo.com

Peace to all!

Pax

Victoria

Send you my love…

Another Jason Mraz song lyric stuck in my head.

But I do send you all my love! Whatever your diagnosis, past, color etc…

We are all children of God! Every life is precious to God and me…

Welcome to my blog which dates back to 2013. Diagnosed in 2008 with Schizophrenia and later fine tuned to Schizoaffective Disorder same year. Earned my Bachelors in Sociology in 2010 and Masters in Psychology 2012. Worked in the mental health field for four years until stress took me out and I have been on permament disability since 2015.

I wrote a May 2020 series on coping skills unlimited which is my greatest work to date as it has all come true.

I used to sit all day since going on disability. All day. But being self quarantined has caused me to do all the wonderful things I have dreamed of doing now that i have the time and energy. And then writing about it in May 2020 has helped exponentially.

I have had to take a break from blogging for a bit. May kind of wiped me out but feeling satisfied with what I got done. With all that has been going on in the world and my heart, I have been more pensive than usual…

Mental health or brain health as I prefer to call it a brain disorder, does not go away when things happen. It can exacerbate it or if one is in touch with triggers and patterns in our lives, we can battle it and win. And on the days that I think it is winning, I can look at my day and say to myself, “you did your best with what you had for the day”.

My energy level has gone back down this week despite my many protests. I need to be ok not doing much too! The reward system worked well today and I actually had energy to blog. My thoughts are all over tonight…

Julia~my dearest friend who lost her husband over a month ago. Been holding a lot of space for her since he passed. Thank you if you have any prayers for her as she is in need of a miracle. I got to hang out at her house the other night and after supper we planted some plants. It was a warm evening and it was a perfect night. I don’t believe in coincidences and I know God wanted me to be with her that night because my old Mercedes broke down right as I turned down her road. made it to her house on a hill and there I stayed all evening. I drove my car all day with no problems but being stranded there was so perfect!

Covid is still greatly affecting me. Been staying at home because of my high risk daughter, which really agrees with me (the staying at home). When I do go out depending on which essential trip I have to make I am often anxious and scared of people not wearing masks. So much has changed in my life because of Covid. Not ready to write about it at least not tonight.

Protests- wish my son could go. he wants to but is honoring his sister’s health and her being high risk. This movement, oh how I pray it changes lives. It already has but we need more so that George Floyd and many black people did not die in vain…

Been using my coping skills as I can but with low energy hard to do my faves, yoga, gardening and tidying, but been keeping up with the dishes (my nemesis) and the house and watering. Plus self care, pet care, bills, medical help (have 5 current afflictions), and journaling about my dad and reading more of Dave Markowitz’s books that have changed my life along with spiritual reading. Actually took a spiritual retreat Sunday all day which included Mass on line, full rosary and rest.

So I guess I am good…hope you all are too:)

pax

Victoria

p.s. tomorrow more on June 2020 caregivers month and will hopefully have my daughter as a guest blogger about her experience on how she has navigated as my main caregiver since age 14! So glad I don’t try to work anymore and that i am doing so well…

May 2020 Series~

Welcome to this series, which may be the first of many. I am doing extremely well during this pandemic; been working on my mental, physical and spiritual health to a great degree. I wanted to share with all of you how my life has changed during these most difficult times. I look forward to each day and although I am mainly very focused, I still have my moments of difficulty but am symptom free.

Prior to this pandemic, I would just sit for hours all day long and maybe get the dishes done. But now, sitting isn’t what I want to do anymore. Ironically, writing about all these topics of what has benefited me, has been beneficial.

Here are the topics so far for the May series. Feel free to click on the link to go to the page. Any comments are welcome!

The topic for the June 2020 series is Caregivers! It’s my daughters birthday month and I think this theme is fitting because she has been my main caregiver since I was diagnosed in 2008. Although I don’t need her support anymore like I once did, her care for me was priceless. If anyone is a caregiver and would like a certain topic discussed, I would be happy to oblige as I am able. As usual I can be reached at my private email: victoriamariealonso@yahoo.com

Peace to all of you

pax

Victoria

The one lost sheep I am trying to help…

Dear readers,

Not sure who is getting my blog posts but wanted to make sure this one got out to all for prayer….If this is a double email for you, my apologies….

It has been a rough week for sure and I am pulling out my bag of tricks to feel better.  I know what works and what doesn’t and am seeing a new therapist now which is very helpful.  I am certainly doing well in my recovery because I have got through a couple of very hard things without relapsing on many levels.

My dad (who is in extended care due to a major stroke and is paralyzed on his left side) got very sick and we thought it was pneumonia, which if it was we were not going to treat due to his mental decline, but it was just a bad cough and he made it through.  Even though he is not always cognitively present it still provides comfort that he is alive; everyone at extended care loves him and he still makes sense the first five minutes and I will take that and hope he is still alive for many years despite the cost of 15,000 dollars a month to keep him in an excellent facility.

Then the past week my mom got gravely ill and we thought she was going to die.  I cancelled my class that I love to teach because I was a basket case and witnessed a miracle of her getting better after asking many people to pray for her recovery.  The thought of losing both my mom and dad the same month has been very rough but I taught my sociology class today even though it was hard to focus and I have been relaxing a lot, watching netflix (fave show right now is heartland) and eating some healthy and some not so healthy foods to cope with the stress.

Yet, despite all that I am going through tonight I am focused on this one little lost sheep (student) who is trying very hard but is failing my class.  The rest of my students are passing with high grades for the most part but she is not.  So tonight I referred her to an early alert program which I should have done sooner but better late than never.  I won’t give up on her!  So if you can pray for her to get the help she needs I would greatly appreciate it.

I feel like I know personally what the bible talks about going after the one sheep that has gone astray, leaving the rest of the herd to help the one that is lost in my class!  I don’t see it as a failure on my part because she is the only one who is struggling but I have to do all I can and pray, pray and pray.

Life is good right now!  I have both my parent for the moment, my three kids are doing well and my marriage is strong.  My husband, who does not begin to understand my diagnosis, has really been compassionate in his way and I have expressed my thanks to him.  I love my job teaching sociology 101 and love to challenge my students in new and interesting ways.  I hope they will ask me to teach again in the Spring 2019 but we shall see.  Any way around it, it has been a great experience and very rewarding.  I don’t make much money but love teaching!

My birthday is next week and I have many plans, Morro Bay with my dear daughter, Chinese buffet with family, pizza and movie night and horseback riding on the beach.  I feel spoiled! 49 years young!

I am still taking the CBD oil from GOTERPY which has greatly reduced my schizoaffective disorder symptoms.  I am no longer delusional which is great to know that I am not the greatest person to ever live lol.  Sounds silly but until I started taking the full spectrum CBD oil, I still partially believed it but now I know I am not and it is a great relief!

Hope everyone has a good Friday and thank you for your prayers and positive thoughts for my lost sheep, that she may return with a decent grade and pass my class.

Pax

Victoria

Schizophrenia and DID disorder…

I am once again finding out about myself and it is a little scary. This is a different kind of post today because I am once again having an epiphany about my mental health.

But before I begin welcoming you to my mind I want to welcome my new followers with at least one of them being genuine. I so appreciate you all taking the time to read and learn and welcome comments or it seems to be emails is to be preferred. Feel free to reach me at victoriamariealonso@yahoo.com . I answer all my emails so far and really love getting to know new people with concern over loved ones with Schizophrenia, Schizoaffective Disorder and now DID disorder which I believe I have had since age 13 or earlier.

What is DID?

 “Dissociative identity disorder (DID) was formerly called multiple personality disorder. It is a mental illness that involves disruptions or breakdowns of memory, awareness, identity and/or perception.” from Cleveland Clinic.

I have at least two distinct identities I can identify, one is very happy yet wild and one is very reasonable and disciplined. I can see pictures of me in both identities and it is very real. I struggled a lot as a teenager and I know it was from a very strict controlling environment growing up. PTSD or something like it. That and being adopted and being in three environments as a baby perhaps set it up.

The struggle is real for me though as I really don’t know what to do right now. Thinking about calling my pdoc for an earlier appointment to get diagnosed. Why do I want a diagnosis? For my disability case mainly. And to have someone confirm what I already know. And to get help but the help would be to do more therapy. blah blah blah, been there done that but not with this?????

And how I realized it was from attending those damn mental health groups where one participant had 32 identities! It is good to have an explanation but seriously I am so overwhelmed with grief right now.

My Schizoaffective Disorder is good right now though with the right meds and proper sleep and nutrition.

The worst part is that I don’t want to tell my daughter. I’m embarrassed to have yet again another problem. But it would explain certain things and she has always been wonderful. But my husband! Oh my!

This is weird to admit on here but still not giving up even though it is hard to look up right now.

peace love light and joy

Victoria

Only human…

We can never achieve perfection, so why do I still seek after it elusively? My upbringing? guidance from above and beyond or just plain old inner drive? perhaps it is a combination of the three

I used to be a people pleaser but now I’m like nah I don’t want to go or better yet I love to say “really you don’t want to trust me with this and that whatever”. It lets them know my boundaries and I make no apology.

Now when it comes to being a grandma, well that is an entirely different story. I know and love that they will expect a lot of me, and I pray I do well. Life is precious! How I do pray for this new little one…

I’ve been gardening every day lately. Getting my hands dirty, feeding the soil, planting, watering, and more. Ah it does bring me such joy. I took it to the next level this year researching and bought a cute little journal for gardening notes. I actually tidied up my potting bench I got last year. How I like things tidy.

My laptop will be here soon. For now sharing with my daughters…She will be moving out soon which will be bittersweet. She’ll still be close by though…

Concert next week. Guess who????? My very own Jason Mraz in Orange County drive in! me and my daughter. Will be great.

Got my second vaccine today. Arm sore but no big deal. Very happy for things to get to a new normal and no longer living in fear of getting covid, but still taking the necessary precautions.

Busy week ahead. Lots of errands and an eye appointment and gardening in between. Hope you all have a great week!

peace love light and joy

pax

Victoria

Welcome to my brain…

Musing today about much, good and bad. It has been a restful day mixed with attempts at activity some of it with completion. I didn’t sleep well, got woken up by the gardener next door. Tired from the hoeing yesterday but did manage to get a few things done in the garden.

I am really negative right now but am fighting complaining. So much good has happened today; daughter got promoted to paralegal in training, started sponsoring an 11 yr old boy in Africa for his education (it’s legit) and ate well, took a power nap, relaxed in the garden, cleaned the kitchen for 20 minutes and made dinner. So why do I feel fucked up in the head?

Could be because I haven’t been attending my mental health groups because a participant with 32 identities triggers my delusions so I have stopped going. They/them are very confusing relating to the topic of the group their struggles with all the identities. Makes me think wow I’m glad don’t have that; but then again maybe I do. Do you see my dilemma?

The support of the groups was nice but unfortunately don’t see another way to get around this huge trigger. I do feel there are two me’s at times, the wild one and the reasonable one. Still seeking the wise one. It is eluding…

All the voices in my mind are calling across the line.

Why does life have to be so hard? I was so happy yesterday but feeling paranoid and slightly delusional today but not psychotic thank goodness.

I feel like I am losing everything, so I plead with God and the Universe for help on this mental health journey. My dad is fading away, dear friends, mental health groups that were promising…

But I choose to be brave and keep going no matter what until I draw my final breath in hopefully many many years.

I comfort myself with becoming a grandma in Oct, a great relationship with my mom and dad, my new child in Africa, the gardening I will do tomorrow afternoon and for no financial stress at the moment.

Struggles with mental health are real my friends. But life is worth living~Justin Bieber love you<3

pax

Victoria

My favorite hobby…

I am happy today because I made great progress on my garden. Gardening more tomorrow if my body can take it! I am not used to physical labor but had stupendous success today with a hoe and building mounds for my veggies. I have spent $200 so far on plants, edging and soil. Also planning a flower section to keep it pretty and learning about companion planting (which plants work well with each other). So far have asparagus, eggplant, zucchini, chives, tomatillos, peppers and 6 tomato plants (early girl and beefsteak)! I bought early girl tomatoes because my mom is always talking about how they taste the best and they are ready in only 50 days! I am taking extra care with 2 of them because my mom is excited to have some.

My mom is my best friend right now and my daughter too. I am getting used to not having friends after an intense friendship suddenly ended. It is hard to not think grandiose thoughts about it not being God’s will for me to have any close friends. I do have a few casual friends but am thinking that it is best to not have close ones. When I start spending lots of time with a new friend, strange things happen to end the friendship. This has happened since I was diagnosed in 2008. And it hurts so much for both of us when the friendship ends, especially being an empath or hsp (highly sensitive person). I can’t even read comments safely on Facebook because of their negativity affecting me.

I am obsessed with gardening and it takes my mind off of not having friends to hang out with! This is the happiest I have been in a while though so I am gonna ride this wave.

My garden is small but it suits us and it is manageable. I need to relax more out there but once I get out to the side garden I have so much to do but am managing by breaking the work down in small chunks. My daughter helped me weed, which is awesome! But my son who used to love gardening with me when he was young just isn’t interested. I tried to manifest it but it didn’t work. That’s ok though because we have been spending time together which doesn’t always happen.

My kids are 29, 26 and 22 and grandbaby on the way due in October! My daughter is planning to move out by fall so I am planning to dedicate her room into a guest/kid room for my grandchild! Got to see pics of the sonogram; the baby has doubled in size from last month:) And my daughter in law is hoping I will baby sit which I offered when they came to dinner and a movie last night. I offered and she shyly but happily said she was already counting on it.

So much joy right now!

Wishing you all a wonderful tomorrow!

peace, love light and joy

Victoria

Sunday pondering…

Good evening!

I’m a blogging on my phone tonight; a new laptop 👩‍💻 is on the way!

Fell into some regret today, some dissatisfaction with my way of doing things because I began to compare my way to others and that is never a good thing! I am me, the only me I know! I must do as I see fit with the many gifts God has given me.

I had a good weekend though! Not too much trouble 👿 but if I was perfect what fun would that be? I visited my dad which was hard but recovered today with some prayer , walking, gardening and taking a drive with my pup!

Much thought lately about my childhood; it was a strict one. Still affects me today. Journaling really helps me to discover current patterns that may stem from my upbringing. More will be revealed…

I’ve already mapped most of my week out and hopefully nothing interferes with my plans. Gardening, writing, walking and organizing my home cleaning schedule with the Tomm method. Excited about my week 😊🙏

Wishing you all well!

Pax

Victoria

It’s Friday!

Not that that means a lot to me because I don;t work a m-f job but my husband does so it is reason to celebrate for him. A lot going on and will share soon. I have found support by researchers on the link between schizophrenia and ginkgo bilboa for negative symptoms. Will be doing a full report soon but the reality of my own experience and this report really makes me want to scream from the rooftops.

My computer has been acting up so partially why been silent and why I am making this very short as to get it out there. Hope you all have a great weekend and will be blogging very soon my findings in the study.

peace love light and joy

Victoria

Updates on Mental Health groups…

Good evening!

Been stuck in my own head trying to wrap my brain around all the new groups I have been attending starting last week! I haven’t felt like blogging because of this and just haven’t really been in the mood. So tonight I lit a candle and am burning incense to inspire me. It’s working!

I want to share a few things I have learned so far and to share that it has all been the most positive helpful experience so far! These are the free mental health groups that I found and it is all virtual and local if things ever open up again I can meet the faces on Zoom. They do have a few in person groups but you have to wear two masks and I can barely breathe with one so I’m like nah. I’ll wait:)

The first class I attended was on coping with loss. Just three of us so very intimate. I shared my story about my dad still being alive paralyzed partially after some major strokes and how hard it is after close to 5 years living like this with my dad being alive but unable to talk to him because he sleeps so much:( The group was very sympathetic and I really liked learning that everything I am going through is normal for grief processing. I shared how I just don’t think about it or allow myself to, because it makes me so sad. This is ok! I thought it was wrong, forgetting about my dad, my heart and soul. But it is not. It is survival and an excellent coping mechanism

Next group was on dealing with depression and anxiety. What I got the most from this was that we need to use our wise mind. See diagram below. We all have a rational mind and emotional mind and balancing the two leads to using your wise mind. It has helped me greatly in making some pretty important decisions as of late. This is a DBT model if you are interested in learning more about using your wise mind.

Today I virtually attended a sound bath with crystal bowls. It was pretty cool and got me so relaxed that I have not done anything after until now! Would be better on a day when I don’t have a lot to do but it was nice to be relaxed for a few hours.

And last but not least was the DRA group. Dual recovery anonymous. Very interesting. It was a larger size than the others and there were three people who had been clean and sober for many many years. It gave me hope but I’m bummed because the class is only once a week and this week I have an appointment at that time:( It was also interesting because 4 people in the group myself included carried the dx of Schizophrenia and two of them were the ones with a lot of clean time. No nothing! I am inspired!

So that is the recap of what has been going on in my days. I try to only attend one group a day so it isn’t overwhelming. This week I plan to attend Intuitive eating and health; Increasing self-love and compassion; yoga and a couple more but I forget. I just have to organize my days around them so restructuring my time is a bit of a challenge but navigating it as best as I can.

I must be gentle with myself though and not get too overwhelmed by information but the groups aren’t demanding and they are very lbqgt+ oriented so it is a good mix of all types of people with all sorts of disorders. I’m glad I’m pretty good at not comparing myself to others. I am more on the vocal side but that’s just me. Some people are so quiet but often the same people are in each group so it’s nice to see familiar faces.

That being said though and I will say I have been journaling quite a bit lately and really discovering who I am. I am especially obsessed with my childhood and my upbringing. I’ve been making some connections lately which is great just don’t know yet what to do with the information. Perhaps one of these groups will help.

Hope this is helpful for ya’ll.

peace love light and joy

Victoria

Life is short and long…

Found out today from a reputable source in the schizophrenia field that covid is especially dangerous for people with schizophrenia. She wasn’t sure why but I want to encourage you all to take good care😊 I got my first vaccine already so I’m happy about that.

I also like staying home. It’s wonderful to support local families in their endeavors to make money. Just bought some cute Easter 🐣 bags for all my loved ones! Delivered and all!

Happy Good Friday to all of you. It has been a somber day…

Peace love light and joy

Victoria

Late night musings…

Welcome to my mind where drama still exists maybe more than others, maybe less but for me it is not always a safe place. I get myself into trouble, not police haha. But around 2pm-3pm every day I get really anxious. I’m pretty good at figuring things out so am going to tackle this as well. Maybe some cbd oil, hate to take more anxiety meds but never abuse it so I will try cbd oil first and then if that doesn’t help take a half a klonapin. It really sucks. I’ll be having a great day and then wham I don’t know what to do.

I have tried various measures like planning my day out the night before and it has helped me to be more productive and organized but I am lost at that time. Anybody else experience a time of day like this of restlessness?

Anyway, today was a beautiful day in sunny California. Gardened with my daughter in the evening when it cooled down. It was actually 82 degrees here today!

Didn’t feel like writing my book today but still waiting for my editor to proof the rough draft but still much to do.

I am getting ready for Easter dinner for family on Sunday so much to do! I love having my close family over and especially with my pregnant daughter in law not able to entertain so it falls on me for now. I don’t mind. I have some flowers I need to buy and plant in a half wine barrel my hubbie found somewhere hehe. And I am painting my kitchen cabinets white with new black knobs. Red tulips on my black and white checkered tablecloth. I love order!

Another windfall of money came my way. I can’t believe it but put it straight in savings except for flowers! I have manifested this with and without hard work. I am now trying to manifest more connection with my kids. It’s working. I don’t care about money but do care about my loved ones. Going to make a donation to my favorite charity CureSZ and start a mutual fund for my future grandchild like my mom did for mine!

Balance is my mindset right now with everything. No more extremes I’m really gonna try. Today was great and terrible. Tomorrow I’m going for even keel.

Starting my new mental health program tomorrow on loss. We shall see!

Hope ya’ll have a great night.

peace, love light and joy

Victoria